Friday, December 10, 2010

So, yeah.

I'm in a blah place in life. All of my friends have noticed. I've not returned phone calls, been on dates & hell, I have a problem returning emails.

But, I'm getting better.

I've been feeling stuck in a rut for quite some time. It's a combination of many, many things. But, mostly with the death of my Grandmother. Yesterday was her 80th birthday & she wasn't here to celebrate.

I have been trying to get J off the couch for hours to go get me a freaking bagel. Why is he home? He has been ignoring me all day long.


With the help of my sister's creative mind I contemplating a business venture. I know, most businesses end if failure. Just ask J how his is doing. JUST KIDDING! We still have a roof over our head & food in our bellies. Anyways, it's no surprise I inherited a small fortune. I just want to put the small fortune to good use. Mix that with my love of exercise (zumba specifically) & you get the idea.

No more talking. I have a bagel to fetch.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Friday, November 5, 2010

I peed on myself.

That's right. I did. It was hilarious.

Picture this if you will. Lola is running late on her way to Fairfax to a gym where she doesn't belong or had never been. Her bestie, Hottie #2 is teacher a step class & Lola wants to join her for step & dinner aftewards. She is driving frantically because, well, she is late. That's nothing new. Lola has horrible night vision & now that it gets dark before 6pm, she should be banned from going anywhere, but by the forces of nature, she is not.

I am lost. The address will not pull up on my GPS. (I know, I went from 3rd person to 1st person. It's ok. It's mah blawg) So, I decide to turn around thinking I had driven past this so-called gym that exists. I hit a curb. I blow out my tire. I even ruin my rim. I'm in the middle of nowhere Fairfax. I park the car in a neighborhood & I am surrounded by nothing.

I have to pee. I walk up the street & notice a gas station a few blocks away. It is pitch black. I am in the middle of nowhere & this gas station is the only end in sight for me. I take the trail. I hear a noise in the bushes. And, then I SEE the bushes move. I go back to my car. Epic fail.

I could pee in the woods, but I see a few joggers out & the thrill of being caught with my pants down does not appeal to me. I could knock on the door to some random townhouse hoping some nice neighbor will take pity on me on this horribly cold evening & let me use their bathroom. Yeah, no.

So, I have an idea. I have a cup in the car & I'm gonna pee in it! J is 1/2 an hour away & I just don't want to hold it for that long. I lock the doors, jump in the backseat & pull my pants down. I can't see what I am doing. Did I mention it was PITCH FUCKING BLACK? I turn on the light in the backseat & squat. I miss the cup. Pee is running down my leg, on to my leather seat & I stop peeing. I readjust myself over the cup & let it flow. The cup fills. I am not done with the peeing process. I stop, open the car door & let the pee out. Pee, you are free!

Okay, take twenty. I continue to pee & this time I overfill the cup & pee gets everywhere, again. Fuck. I am trying to clean up pee, hold a cup full of pee without spilling any more of it & my ass is hanging out. All of a sudden, a jogger runs by & I am caught, well, with my pants down & my big, white ass pressed against my backseat window. Oh yeah, the light is still ON!

Hmmm. I am now in a bit of a jam. Flat tire in dark neighborhood at 8pm, not a problem. Fuck, I'm not in a jam, I have a situation. I let the jogger go by wishing he didn't see what I think he saw. And if he saw what I think he saw I hope he doesn't have nightmares about my big, white ass for the rest of his life. I open the car door, dump the pee & put the cup in a plastic bag. I grab my sweat towel that I won't be needing since I will never make step class. I clean up the seat, the console, my ass, my legs, my crotch & I finally pull my pants back up.

I'm wet. It's cold. And, to make matters worse I had only emptied HALF of my bladder. Fuck it, I'm waiting.

What seemed like the longest wait ever, J arrives. He is in the backseat trying to find the jack to my car when he puts his hand in something wet. He wipes his hand dry on his jeans & says, "What the hell is all over the seat?"

Double snort.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Fall is here & I'm back to blogging again.

It's fall. And, things are changing & I don't just mean the leaves.

I just returned from Texas. Oh, the great state of Texas! It started as a birthday trip for J & it turned in to I get to go to Texas to help go through Nana's house & emotionally divide up her life between me, my sister, my cousin, my aunt & my uncle. Fun, eh?

The good news is that I am inheriting a beautiful oriental rug & Nana's Grandfather clock. The bad news is that I am not getting the mink. And, although I have never been one for animal fur, I could really pull off that look. However, another family member decided she needs the mink that doesn't fit over her boobs because South Texas gets so cold that I guess she needs it for warmth. Having big boobs does not keep you warm in those bitter cold Texas winters & so, I'll just buy my own set of big boobs, I guess.

I refuse to be petty, so instead of trying to reason with her, I'm just going to put it in my blog. Ha. Not petty. No way. Me, never?

I did enjoy hanging out with my cousins & going to the local watering hole for a fun, drunken night. I truly do have some of the best cousins EVAH! I also had some quality time with my sister & my nephew. I also made up with my brother-in-law after the rich & snobby nonsense that we both took a little too far after my wedding. Some people break bread when they forgive each other. We went to CHED & smoked a peace pipe.

Settling my Grandmother's estate is hard & has been a very emotional experience. I am truly blessed to have been left with more money than I will probably ever have in my lifetime, but I would gladly give that back & my right arm to have both of Grandparents alive & healthy.

Double sigh. It's going to be a rough winter. And, I don't mean because I am minus one mink coat.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Wishful Monday

Today is a day of wishes. Why? Because I said so. This is my blog & I'll do whatever I want.

1. I wish I had a million dollars.

2. I wish I knew what I was going to do with a bushel & a half of apples. Apple picking yesterday went quite well.

3. I wish I could get 70 followers on this blog. I've had 69 for 2 months now! C'mon. Someone hit the FOLLOW THIS BLOG button for me.

4. I wish I lived closer to my family. I miss them.

5. I wish hummus had no calories.

6. I wish my tailbone didn't hurt or feel like it was out of place. My butt is lumpy.

7. I wish my children did not throw tantrums like they did when they were 2. These tantrums are worse, actually. I'm sure I will be drinking a lot of wine tonight.

It's Monday, so we'll see how many wishes come true for me this week!

Have a wonderful week!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Get off of my property, Lola, or I'll call the cops on you.

Yep. The crazy ex-wife actually said that to me on Friday evening.

Le Sigh.

White trash, much?

Long story short, Friday night Ex called J because the Boy's skateboard got "stolen" off of her front door step. She was already angry & taking it out on the Boy. For some reason it was his fault. And, she was outwardly blaming his two friends who were there helping J & I look for the board around the neighborhood while she stood on the front porch, arms crossed, cussing the world...

She's yelling at the Boy, his two friends & then she starts yelling at J. She's causing a scene in front of her home. The Boy wants to go home with us. We want to take him. She accuses J of stealing her son & she threatens to call the police if we leave with him. She goes inside & slams the door, locking him out. He gets in our car & of course, we are afraid to leave with him for fear she will call the cops.

I tell the Boy that perhaps he should go tell his mom he wants to leave with us, so it doesn't appear that we are, well, you know, stealing him. What kind of behavior is this anyways?!?!?!? Who does this in front of their children?!?!?!?!?

She is upstairs yapping on the phone to someone lying about the events that have just taken place.. in her mind. She is telling someone that we are yelling at her & at this point, I've not even opened my mouth. I am staying in the car to avoid a scene.


She locks the Boy out & won't open the door. When she finally does she is screaming at J & the Boy. J starts yelling back. (how could you not?) It's a train wreck, so I jump out to attempt to keep some semblance of peace. Epic fail.

Before I can even open my mouth, she says.. (and I quote)

"Lola, get off my property before I call the cops on you!"

What the fuck? I simply tell her they are all acting ridiculous & she should think of HER SON who is crying, has been embarrassed in front of his friends & wants to leave her home for fear of what she'll do next. Of course, I don't say all of that because my jaw is still on the ground, literally.

I just say that sometimes she think about her kids first. And, she goes off on me, the Boy & J. J tells the Boy to go inside & that we'll come back to get him. Meanwhile, we go home & call the police ourselves to inquire the consequences, if any, of actually letting him come home. They were helpful & stated that unless he didn't want to go to our house, they wouldn't remove him. They would, however, come out to hear both sides & make an informed decision as to where he would best be cared for at that moment. Well, we know it would be with us, but we want to avoid putting him in that situation.

We call him 20 minutes later & his mom has let him out of the house, back over to the two friends that supposedly stole his skateboard & all is right for now. She even texted J saying that we won & she apologized to the two kids she wrongfully accused.

Do you know where the skateboard was? We found it, laying in front of the gutter. It had rolled off of her front porch & landed on the curb in front of the gutter.

Mark my words. We are going to court to get custody of these children. I will not allow her to scar them like this. I have too many visions of my own childhood filled with yelling, fighting, cops & more.

She sucks.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bow chicka bow bow

Sunday morning, I grabbed my laptop charger out of my briefcase & opened my computer. The first thing I see is a huge nut sack courtesy pornhub. I laugh. Outloud.

The night before the Boy had called me asking where my charger was to my laptop & I couldn't remember what I had done with it, so I told him just to use the other laptop. Now, I see the urgency in the request. The laptop had apparently died mid video.

I went inside, laptop in hand, & directed my question at the two teenage boys on my couch.

"Which one of you was looking at porn last night?"

I fully knew it was the Boy. His friend was babysitting the night before & was not here. The Boy was embarrassed. And, I just laughed.

When I called J to report the news, he was shocked. Not that his son had been watching porn, but that I had called him out in front of his friend.

I'm not stupid. I know they've seen porn together on MY laptop. How do I know this? I check the history & although they delete from the tool bar, my cache is dirty with cock & balls. I look at porn on occasion, but I know to delete EVERYTHING. Snort. Plus, I prefer girl/girl so no cock & balls necessary.

What does a parent do in this situation? My sister said it best. You have to teach your child that sex leads to viruses & virtual sex leads to viruses. So, either way you will infect something with an STD.

I guess it's time to buy him a Playboy magazine or something. I'm all about promoting self "love".

Monday, September 20, 2010

It's random, I promise.

Is it sad that my biggest debate this morning is whether or not I want to take an Adderall because I only slept 2 hours last night. No wonder my friend who gave them to me also is prescribed Ambien.

Last night a Redskins coach bought Hottie #2 & I a drink. I was wearing a Cowboys t-shirt. So, did he think I was a MILF or did he just feel sorry for me? (Cowboys, 0-2)

I have to go to Walmart today. I was just introduced to Perhaps I'll dress up like Madonna circa the "Like a Virgin" era & see what happens.

It's 10:00am, do you know where my dog is?

Have a great Monday.

Go to bed, Lola.

It's a typical kid-free weekend in the hizzle & come Sunday, I am wiped out. Hang on Friday night with neighbors around a bonfire on my new patio. (J worked really hard on it this week & is very proud) Saturday we call for reinforcements & hit up the Irish Pub complete with Irish car bombs, DJ, ice luge, one Deleware friend celebrating her birthday, Hottie #2 & company & decided it was smart to just call the cab on the way there & the way home. Why bother with having to go get your car the next day? It was that kinda night. I should blog about it & I will. You know, you know, you've read it.

When I have more spare time. I still haven't told ya'll all the fabulous wedding details.

One thing at

a time. Blogs are like accidents. They just happen when you weren't expecting it. And, tonight it's all about this blog.

Today was a typical lazy, kid-free, hungover type day. Except, Hottie #2 had invited me to hang out to watch the football game & let our dogs play. (they are besties, too. It's cute) J doesn't want to go because he is tired & we've just left a one year old's birthday party. I took one for the team & just went. It's 8pm & bed sounds great. Well, now it's 2:30am & bed is great, but I have a blog to write.

It's about relationships, friendships & assholes.

Hottie #2 is what I typically call my "ultimate single girlfriend". Which, after tonight, I will revise. It isn't because she's unavailable, because she is still single. But, I realized tonight that perhaps not everyone takes glory in the fact they are single. Hottie #2 basically & for lack of better words got dumped last week by a guy she had been dating happily for 3 months. I know, what you're thinking... how bad could it be after only 3 months. She'll get over it.

And, she will. But, it basically was one of those, "It's not you, it's me" type situations. And, she really doesn't know how, why or what the fuck just happened there. Over the years I've met quite a few of the guys she has dated & when I met him, he just struck me as THE ONE. Not the one she'll necessarily marry, but the one who isn't going to dick her over. I've never really seen one girl get screwed over by as many guys as she has. Everyone she meets is too needy, too clingy, stupid (sorry Troy), thinks they are too cool, just wants to fuck... blah blah blah. You name it, I've seen it.

Now, if you are going to say if a girl with a Masters degree, no extra baggage (and by that I mean ex-husbands/kids), sweet, beautiful, amazing listener, fun & just the perfect candidate for a suitable, non psychotic mate can't hold a boyfriend that it just must be her, you are wrong. (her banging body doesn't hurt, either) At one point, I possibly thought maybe she was just too picky with guys, but after this latest douche, I realized something. That is not the case.

So, tonight was not really about football in case you were wondering. I wore my Cowboys tshirt & she wore her Redskins. She cheered for Peyton Manning & I for Eli. BUT, for the most part we sat, drank & played Photo Hunt in awe of the high score & how if we put enough money in the machine, sure we could beat that score!

We never did.

A guy bought us drinks, we ended up socializing to the nearly closing bar after 3 hours of Photo Hunt & after the "I'm only having one drink" night escaladed to the shots lovingly called a Blonde Headed Sluts, we were having a party. Just like we always do. Just as we had done the night before, in fact.

I followed her home to retrieve my dog & we started the girl talk. I mean, we ignored reality for hours so it was over due. The topic of the douche that dumped her came up & how she happened to see him at the mall this week with another girl. Then I start reading his blow off emails to her & it clicks. The guy is either fucking another girl or he's totally afraid of comittment. He pussied out. Hottie #2, like most women, is insecure & he knew that. So instead of just being honest about what went wrong, he pulled that old card about how she deserves better, blah blah, lie, blah, lie, asshole.

So if you are still following this equation, Hottie #2 thinks it was HER, because he never really explained why, how or what the fuck just happened here. Yes, of course, the girl he was with could have just been his friend, but. but. but.


She deserves a decent guy & a functional relationship. And, I really hope she gets it, sooner rather than later. I can't think of anyone who deserves that more.

If she can put up with me being a Cowboys fan, she can do anything!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Introducing the missus, Texas style!

J planned our first dance in super spy, top secret fashion. We bantered back & forth on songs, but ultimately he wanted it to be his decision. I was only somewhat nervous. And, while I had some frightening images of us break dancing to "Baby Got Back" or "Can't Touch This", I somehow knew he'd make the right selection. The only thing I asked him was did we have to two-step for our dance. I can two-step for days aross the great state of Texas, but J has only recently learned & although I love him for trying, he hasn't really mastered it, yet. (he tends to step on my toes A LOT!)

He came through & made the right choice. We ended up slow dancing to "Free" by Zac Brown Band. It's a song we both enjoy & although, I was pleased, I wasn't surprised. Little did I know he had something far less predictable up his sleeve. Halfway through the dance the song cut out & the DJ announced he was having technical difficulties. I announced that it was time to start break dancing. Snort.

The next thing I know, J is running to the DJ booth, grabbing our cowboy boots from under it & we are changing our shoes! "Whatever It Is" by Zac Brown Band starts playing & we sure as shit, two-stepped. It was like the night we got drunk & played that song over & over from the good old iPod docking station while dancing across our bedroom floor. The music in our bedroom was so loud that night that we woke our next door neighbor up at 3am! Oops.

My Texas family was in cahoots & everyone else was cheering him on as he twirled me around the dance floor. J honored my Southern roots & it was simply perfect. Right then I knew that I had married the right person & that I would endure all in which he has to offer me for the rest of my life. Snort. And, I will absolutely try to do this with a smile on my face & dinner on the table by 6pm sharp every night. Maybe I'll even bake him a pie or two. (Nana did that for Papa in the first years of their marriage & it worked for them!)

I love this man. He has tamed the wild beast that Lola once was...

So, without further ado, I present the first wedding pictures to grace my blog. And, of course, my song of the day.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

My sister just told me that all cheaters are douchebags. I did cheat on my ex-husband. I cheated on him with my bestfriend. That was very douchey. I admit that.

But, I have changed. Or better yet, I have found my perfect match in a mate. I am married to someone who supports me emotionally, physically, sexually & everything in between. We are open with each other. I have everything in him that I didn't have in anyone else I've ever been with. He's a total package for me.

And, I am, for him. A total package and then some extra suitcases...

As far as changing, I have learned my lesson that cheating just really ruins your life & everyone else's life, too. And, J cheated on his ex-wife, too. We've both been there, done that, got the t-shirt & bore the scarlet letter "A".

Neither one of us is any different now, but we both just understand what it takes to make each other happy & we're okay with that.

So, yes, sister - cheating is douchey, but not all cheaters are douchebags. Some of us have overcome our pasts & decided to make wiser decisions as we gain age & experience.

Love you! <3

Monday, September 13, 2010

All in all it was a bad trip.

I am seriously going to blog about this.

The other night J & I were having a bit of action. Action = wacky tobacky. We partake from time to time. It is a great stress relief, it cures all of my aches & pains & well, I just enjoy it.

Well, I did enjoy it. Until Saturday night.

We were out in the backyard having a few hits before bed when all of a sudden I had one hit too many. I mean, really, I only had 3, but this stuff was potent. And, by the time I went inside I could hardly stand. Great role model for my sleeping children, btw. Luckily, they were seriously sleeping.

I got upstairs & started panicking. My heart was racing. My mind was spinning. And, I told J to call 911. Para. Which, thankfully he did not do. I seriously thought I was dying & now that I'm in a sober state of mind, I cringe to think that I almost made an ass of myself by going to the hospital on a pot overdose.

J held me for an hour with his hand on my chest. No, he wasn't molesting me. He was making me feel comfortable by keeping track of my heart rate. That is love, baby. I ended up nodding in & out & at one point I jumped in my sleep. This started the panic attack all over again. I fought sleep thinking if I closed my eyes I wouldn't wake up. I was praying. I was asking for forgiveness of all of my sins & boy, that took at least an hour! If not more...

I remember telling J that it was laced with something, but yet, he was fine. Finally, I snoozed & in the morning I felt completely fine, except for a headache from not getting enough sleep. And, I'm pretty sure my action days are over. For now. I don't need to ever feel like I'm dying again, unless I really am.




Friday, September 10, 2010

Step in to the light...

Am I the only who can see that you are just trying too hard? It makes me cringe to see that you want something back that you fucked up so many moons ago. The harder you try to get it back for you, the more I feel sorry for you.

Do yourself a favor & just move on. I'm just an outsider, but I can't even imagine being in this equation. Eeek.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Suddenly Wednesday

Wednesday. For many reasons it used to be my favorite day of the week. These days, it's just another day in the life of a married lady with a million kids. I remember when my blog was about a single mom with twin daughters. Boy, how things change.

My daughters started first grade yesterday. I'm feeling nostalgic. And, a bit melodramatic. With a touch of sarcastic flair...

Against everyone's advice, I put the girls in the same first grade class. Most counties have a rule that they separate twins and my children have been separated since they started public school two years ago. In preschool, they were always together, but when they went to pre-K they were in difference classes. Kindergarten, they each had their own class. This year, I wanted to try something different, so I requested to have them together. It's only day two, but so far so good. And this way I only have to be room mother for ONE class. Insert paranoid face here.

The Boy started middle school. For some reason, our county doesn't start middle school until 7th grade. And, today as I'm chatting with an old friend of mine on facebook from West Memorial Junior High in Katy, TX, I made the remark to her about how my stepson just started middle school & since we were besties in middle school, this is making me feel REALLY, REALLY OLD!

I'm on yahoo with my sister right now discussing old friends from high school & I just asked if she was feeling old, too. And, she is. On another note, my sister & I just went on another month's hiatus & we've finally made up. It happens about once a year where we visit each other, get in a fight and go for an extended amount of time without speaking. This time I even took her off of my facebook. Snicker. It's part of our somewhat, tumultous relationship. Life's too short for this petty shit. I'm glad we moved past it, because I really missed wasting my time with her on yahoo every day.

Can you imagine being 29 years old, still living at home, not working in two years & having your parents still paying your bills?? That's a random thought.

So, my big Wednesday plans are going to go something like this- Right now, I'm yahooing with my sister & discussing random people from high school & how sucky their lives are. Then, I'm going to shower & get ready to have lunch with my dear friend, Ladyhawk. I don't see her often enough & so, I'm looking forward to catching up. Then, I'm going to finish girl scout troop planning, clean the main level of the house & wait for the kiddos to come home from school.

My sister & I have moved to on to discussing people on facebook who don't have cute babies. We are going to hell. But, at least we'll be together.

Happy Wednesday to all.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A letter from the past.

My sister & my aunts were going through my Grandmother's office this weekend. My sister found this letter my Nana wrote the donor family from my Mom's liver transplant 3 months after my Mom passed away.

Warning - it's sad, but beautiful letter. Get the tissues.

Dear ones,

This a very difficult letter for me to write as i do not know to whom i am writing. And there are times such as these when a thank you cannot and is not sufficient. As a mother, for me to try to convey to someone that I do not know and will probably never be given the opportunity to thank personaly how deeply grateful my family and I are to you, so unselfishly gave the greatest of gifts your loved ones organ for transplant. The gift of a liver was the gift that could save my child's life and our gratitude is beyond words. Our family has thought of you so often, we have prayed for you and continue to hope that God's richest blessings will be yours. We know that your lives have been filled with pain and that there is any empty void that cannot be filled by the loss of the one you loved. We also know that you have to be a wonderful family, as in your darkest hours of grief you would think of someone else.

The gift of a liver transplant meant that our 45 year old daughter would have the opportunity for life, and to have a better quality of life. Unfortunatlty, for us God must have had a better plan, our daugher came through the 12 hours surgery, and even had to have a second minor surgery to repair a leaking bile duct two days later. After seven days she was moved from ICU to a room. That evening she was able to walk down the hall. The next morning they took her for what was to be a routine test, a chest x-ray and lab work, and although we did not know it, a liver biopsy. Later we where told that the reason for the biopsy was that this was the only way they could determine if her body was rejecting the transplant, and if so, they could change her anti-rejection drug. It was not. In a liver bioposy one patient in 1,000 would bleed, one in 10,000 would hemmorage. Our daugheter hemmoraged and suffered cardiac arrest. They where able to restart her heart after a period of time, and then do another necessary surgery. This left our daugher in a coma and fifteen days later we lost her without her ever regaining conciousness. She had suffered severe brain damage from the cardiac arrest.

I know that perhaps I should not have told you about our daugher's death, but I feel that you want to know as I am sure that everyday you wonder about who had the organs of your loved one, and how they where getting along. Our daugher was a wonderful, wonderful child, mischevious, a great sense of humor, and who loved life and her family. She was a single parent and left two daughers, 19 and 21. She had a very good job, and was very good at her job.

I just want you and all your family to know that you will always hold a very high and special place in our hearts. We know your pain and your sorrow. My husband and I will be married 51 years. We are the parents of three other children and have nine grandchildren. We lost our first grandchild in a car wreck when she was 16. Our daugher that we lost was our 2nd child, and just like you and your family, will never get over the loss, but we are learning to live with it, and we wish that life could have been different for you all and for us.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I can only hope that this letter reaches you someday, and if you should wish to correspond with us, i would be so happy to hear from you. Even if i never do, please know that in this this great big world, there is a family that will ever be in your debt. A debt that can never be repaid.

In grateful appreciation, DSK

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Outer Banks

I am so off on blogging, but it's all because of my wedding. And, that's over. I realize I need to blog about that, too, but first things first.

I just returned from a one week stay in Nagshead, NC. J & I & our adorable (I mean annoying) kids....

Plus -

His oldest sister, her estranged husband, their two nieces from NY & their son.
His younger brother, his wife & their baby that I want to steal.
His younger sister, her husband & their two babies - one toddler & one infant.
His youngest brother & his girlfriend.
And his mom. And her husband.

Oh. the. drama.

I'll start from the bottom & work my way up.

Mom is crazy, lazy & spacey. Her husband is supportive of this type of behavior. The Grandmother complained about her grandkids, having to watch any of them & I felt incredibly guilty about having asked her to watch Thing 1 & Thing 2 for 25 whole minutes so I could take a quick run. (J & his kids came 2 days after me) She looked right at me & said, "It's not you!" Take another percocet, Granny, and give me one, too. Snort.

Fireman & Lawyer are single with no kids. Fireman is a hot specimen of brother & Lawyer is great until she starts complaining about all the kids. Again, with the kids. Everyone knew who was coming ahead of time. I don't want to hear it about the annoying kids. Half of them are mine, bitch. They got in to a huge, pour your drink in your face, type fight one night during a routine game of Asshole. It didn't end so well. J & favorite Brother chased Fireman in the dark towards the beach following wet footprints as he stumbled around town drunk. Gertrude & I tried to calm her down by tell her all of our horror stories with our men. I mean they are all brothers & pretty much all have the asshole gene. We tried teaching her that sometimes you just have to deal with it instead of resorting to wasting good alcohol! I'm still wondering if they are headed towards splitsville.

The parents with two under two... Ariel parents the two year old by saying "NO". There is nothing worse than telling your child no all the time. He's a boy, he's 2 & he really is cute. Give him a chance to do something, will ya? Then maybe you won't be so stressed out. Her husband just looks at her & says things like, "Number 2(the baby) needs you & since I can't make her happy will you stop whatever it is you could be possibly doing & take care of her. Oh & fix me another drink will ya?" Sigh. Sometimes having a douchebag husband who doesn't help out sucks.

Favorite Brother, his wife, Gertrude & their baby are well, my favorites. Aside from having the burden of a 9 month old, they are still fun & with it. They are not assholes, but they did get on each other's nerves. Especially when he lost the car keys & she blamed him for losing them because he drinks too much. It was all fun & games until Big Sis found the keys in baby's diaper bag where Gertrude had left them. This was long after we stopped digging through the garbage bags to look for them. Ooops. Conclusion: Thank goodness the keys were no where to be found so no one could drink & drive!

Big Sister with all of her issues. She actually rode down with me & the twins because she hates her husband. She's in love with another man who happens to be in rehab. Of course, it's not his fault. Nor hers. But, dammit, divorce the husband & stop bringing him on "family" vacations where he feels like a dumbass for even being there. They slept in separate rooms & she spent her entire days & nights with her Droid on her ear talking to the guy she tells everyone else she is just friends with. Dude, I heard you in the car on the phone with him for 10 plus hours. You love him. Or something. And, since I have all of this affair & being in love with someone else bullshit under my belt already, I was a good source of companionship & wisdom. She now has the name of my divorce attorney & I hope it works out for her. She deserves happiness.

All in all, it was a great time. The Boy learned to skim board & subsequently, I learned to do it as well. It is NOT easy. I also body surfed in 8 foot waves which I had never done. (hurricane activity in the Atlantic...) I am still unpacking & recovering & school starts next week. I also rocked a bikini for the first time in 20 years. What? What? I'm tan in places I haven't been in a long time & it feels good to show off the body you never had, even after having twins. Oh & in our game of Asshole, somehow I got the nickname Big Sloppy Pussy or bsp for short. Snort.

I'm back & I'm ready to blog. Amen.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Yes, I am still alive. Fuck you very much.

The wedding is in one week.
The wedding is in one week.

I have never had a wedding. I am very, very excited. It's been a busy summer. The kids are driving me nuts, Thing 1 & Thing 2 are still fighting, Lavagirl is still whiney & the Boy is still needy. And, I've had TK (my 17 year old cousin from TX) living with me for the summer. So, our full house is fuller.

Right now I am writing my wedding ceremony. My cousin is singing a romantic version of Heaven by Bryan Adams as I walk down the aisle. (or deck, as we're getting hitched pool side) Almost my entire family is coming! With the exception of my Uncle...

My sister will be here in two days with my nephew!

The rest of the family will file in starting Thursday.

I am fucking elated, but somewhat nervous about getting married in front of 80 people.

My daughters are walking me down the deck/aisle. Hearts. Hearts. Hearts.

It's a 10,000 dollar wedding of my step mother in law's dreams, but fuck it. It's going to be OSUM. (that's how Thing 2 spells awesome)

My Bachelorette party is Thursday night. Watch out! We are going to ride a mechanical bull & ride in a fancy, schmancy limo.

I gotta get back to my ceremony.


Friday, June 18, 2010

Last year's wishes, are this year's apologies...

Ahem. I don't know what that was about, but I'm drowning in a sea of wedding plans & I hate every minute of it. Although, I know I am about to marry up & take one hell of a ride.

I don't have an interesting blog this week, really. I'm tired, I'm cranky & I'm ready to spend my days lounging at the pool. School's out in a week & if my kids don't start getting along I'm going to start whacking them.

Have a great weekend. I know I will be.

Carry on!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Now I lay me down, in front of a Lifetime movie.

Yesterday was glorious. I did almost absolutely nothing. J & I went out Saturday night with Hottie #2 & ended up spending yesterday hungover. Yes, we are getting old. And, no, this blog isn't about Saturday night, although, it was wild.

I just want to pause from this blog to share a laugh with you. I'm watching (don't laugh) Saved by the Bell this morning & I'm completely outraged by Zack Morris' shirt. It's denim, has a tribal print on the back & completely matches his jeans. Not to mention, he is wearing white tennis shoes. I may be laughing all week about this.

Anyways, Sunday, as I was not getting up off of the couch for anything, I was watching this Lifetime movie that hit really close to home. It was about a high school girl whose friends turned against her & started bullying her. I know, it was just a movie, but she even tries to overdose on her mom's sleeping pills. It really hit too close to home.

Not many people know it, but I went through something very similar when I was in 7th grade. I don't remember why, but my clique of friends turned against me & a few of the "bigger" girls started harrassing me in the hallway. I was getting teased, pushed & I was frightened to go to school To complicate matters, my mom was in rehab & I was living with my less-than-understanding Grandparents.

I started cutting myself. I would use my compass to take the plastic off of my disposable razor & I'd use the razor to cut myself. I also contemplated suicide & even wrote a suicide letter. When my mom got home, she went through my room & found everything. I ended up in a hospital where I finished 7th grade while getting the psychiatric help I needed.

I know that it was just a movie, but it really sparked up a lot of memories I have about what happened to me. After I completed my 90 days in the hospital while finishing up 7th grade, I spent the rest of my summer in an outpatient treatment. I learned to stand up for myself & when I started 8th grade, needless to say, I did not have the same issues. I do feel for those who went through something similar, because no child should ever be afraid to go to school.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What do you do when your vagina needs a quick sprucing up?

Clitter, anyone?

A big THANK YOU to MJ. Not only did you convince to me to go out on a date with J when I wasn't so sure he was my type (you realize this makes you solely responsible for this damn wedding, right?), but you also turned me on to Clitter. I mean, now that I'm getting married I may need a little something something extra to make sure he sticks around!

For clitter or worse!

What's worse than clitter? I do not know. Fabulous looking herpes? A sparkle baby? Maybe I should conduct a poll.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Oh MJ, how I love thee, let me count the ways.

1. You drove to Northern VA to see me. Enough said.

2. It was like old times. Drink too much alcohol, stay up way too late, lazy as shit Saturday mornings & I still pick up after the kids, immediately. OCD, much?

3. You tell stories like I blog. You are funny. You are awesome. And, had you wanted two hashbrowns I would have sprung for them, but instead we shared oatmeal.

4. SHOTGUN! Snicker, snicker, snicker, snort.

5. The 15 year old boy that slept over loves you, too.

6. Douche bag, anyone?

7. For once, we did not run out of beer nor did we need to make a beer run at 11:35pm.

8. I am now addicted to Basketball Wives. Thank you for turning me on to something new. That isn't the first time that has happened. Insert paranoid face here.

9. You give great head. I mean therapy. Yeah, therapy. I feel very theraputic.

10. I have a blast when I am with you even if I chase after you with a bottle of windex in one hand & a broom in the other. Please come back to visit soon. I heart you 5 million.

For you, my heart.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Random songs pop up & I got a place to put `em.

Songs from my past. And, then I just get giddy with excitement & post them! On my blog! Wahoo!

I love youtube. Here's another.

And last, but not least.

Totally fucking random. Enjoy.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A break from reality, or house cleaning!

Yes, people, I have a life. I have to clean this house - top to bottom - in an hour. Then get ready to volunteer at the school. (Oh why isn't school out, yet?)

Then I am having lunch with my male neighbor & we are taking a drive to Arlington to get swim suits for my twins. They start swim team today.

Oh, I have drama & it needs to be blogged, but I have to do these things.

Duty calls. Or something.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day Weekend randomness

I love long weekends... especially kid free weekends. ha.

So, I was out with my girlfriends on Friday night & my friend, Hottie #2, asked me to stop writing depressing blogs & try to think of something fun to write about.

Just like old times.

I did have quite a few cocktails on Friday & a shot of tequila prior to going to the movies on Friday night, We went & saw Sex and the City 2 & it was phenomenal. I would love to be Carrie Bradshaw. I have quite the obsession with expensive shoes although I do not own a single pair of Jimmy Choo or Manolo Blahniks. One day, Lola, one day!

Saturday, J & I slept in & then in the late afternoon we went to his dad's house for wedding planning with the step mom & swimming in the heated pool. I was really worried about wearing a bikini in front of J's dad. He is a pervert, albeit, I find him strangely sexy. He's in his mid 50's & I will be honest with you... if J looks half that good at that age, I will be one lucky lady! It's not just dad's looks, but his personality makes him very, very attractive. No worries though, I already tried my luck at home wrecking & it didn't work out so well for me.

J is going to die when he reads this blog.

So, J's dad & step mom continue to try run my wedding show & insisting that we get married at 10am. What the fuck? I have no intention of having a morning wedding, I don't care if they are helping us pay for it. It's just not in my vision. And, I'm the bride, dammit.

But, swimming was fun. J's dad only brushed up against me lightly, once. What fun! (insert paranoid face) What can I say? Sometimes I do fantasize about being his 4th wife. Every time he marries he goes for a younger bride & I certainly fit that bill! Plus, I could own three pairs of Manolo Blahniks, a shit load of Tori Burch purses AND spend my days redecorating my already gorgeous home! And, if I get tired of that, I'm going to lay out at the pool every day cocktail in hand. It's good to have dreams...

Along comes Sunday. Hottie #2 asked me to have a cookout, so we obliged. We invited J's family, his kids came up from their mom's house, some of J's work friends, Hottie #2 & her friend Hottie #3 plus her fiance. Wow, full fucking house. We drank, ate & drank some more. Well, I didn't really drink that much. I couldn't get in to the wine. Occasionally, that happens. I'm afraid Hottie #2 was disappointed in me because I more worried about the crumbs on my floors rather than pouring myself a drink.

When everyone had left, it was me, J & the Boy. He is boycotting his mother's home & that's another blog for another day...

We get an invite to go a few streets away to hang out with a couple that J has been friends with for a while. They have a son that is in school with the Boy & so, at 10:30pm we leave the house to go hang out. When we arrive, we run in to a couple that had previously been to our party & a handful of late 30 something, attractive people. The kids all went inside to watch Transformers & the adults were sitting on the back patio with drinks in hand & many, many empty wine bottles. Although it is somewhat annoying to surround yourself with drinky people when all you are drinking is a diet coke out of a red, solo cup, it was fun to have some adult conversation. Drinky people are entertaining.

Then the strangest thing happened. (no we did not get naked) The man of the house, J's friend, went upstairs & then resurfaced with some "action". (that's my code for herbal refreshment) And, as I listen to this very attractive soccer mom that probably moonlights as a barbie doll talk about smoking a bowl at night after her kids go to sleep & then indulging in Hershey Kisses that she keeps stashed in her nightstand drawer next to her sex toys, I knew I had just met some really fucking cool parents. And, I immediately knew I was to write a blog about my experience. These people had this down to a science. The patio was dark with the exception of a few citronella candles AND the lady of the house lit an incense cone to hide the evidence.

And to think, these are PTA parents!

The next thing I know, I become the ultimate party pooper! Out of nowhere (snort) I felt this raging migraine from hell coming on & we had to exit the party immediately as when I get a migraine I am known to vomit. That put a huge damper on my buzz, but I knew that I had something interesting to put in my blog other than death & taxes.

What's on my Monday agenda? Golf with the boy & J. Yes, I am finally going to put my pink clubs to use...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


are my favorite.

I am insanely in love with them. And, I have been for quite some time. I don't know how they pack so much buttery, cheesy, salty goodness in one little cracker, but the snack gods are smiling down on me today.

There is nothing like a box of cheez-its, a diet DP & an australian shepherd to share them. Throw in a love triangle episode of Dr. Phil & you have the perfect snack time.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Lola has lost it.

I can't sleep. I have this new sudden fear that by going to sleep I put myself in danger of not waking up. And, now I have a phobia of dying. I'm pretty sure it's because I don't know if I believe in the after life, which I sometimes feel people make up to comfort themselves because they, too, have a fear of dying.

Long story short.

I'm a mess.

I'm fucked.

What the fuck?

I swear, I have lost it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Save the drama for your mama!

As my Nana was passing away, my family was falling to pieces. Everyone was moody, upset, emotional & really bitchy. I suppose that is to be expected. However, I think family members should really lean on each other in times of need, not shit on each other.

My dramatic moment happened the night Nana passed away. I had been staying with my one aunt, because she was upset that the last time I was home I stayed with my other aunt. (that's where my sister was staying and it was closer to the hospital.. and it doesn't hurt that she has a pool in her backyard & her house is clean) Anyways. Aunt K had her feelings hurt so like a good niece I was sleeping at her house. Nana had just passed away & we were all at Aunt D's house going through pictures & making funeral arrangements. And eating ham. Ham is the world's worst funeral food, yet, if someone dies, you get a big, fat ham!

A few months ago my Nana had told me that after she died I would need to stay a few days later for the reading of her will. Okay. We were all planning & so on & I happened to ask the question about that issue.

Big mistake.

My Aunt K went ape shit. She rolled her eyes at me, went outside & told Aunt D that we hadn't even buried Nana yet & I was already wondering about the will.

Not so fast, lady.

My question to the executor of Nana's estate was simply inquiring about the reading of the will & would she happen to know when it would take place. I needed to get my return flight home & was trying to figure out what day I was going to leave. I do have four kids & I had been out of town for quite some time already plus I had been gone every other week for about 2 months. It was a simple question. Non evasive. A practical answer would have been fine.

I got attitude.

I have never been so hurt in my life as hearing it later from Aunt D that Aunt K thought that my biggest concern was what was in that will. Well, fuck. I already knew what I was being left. Nana had talked to me about it over the years. She owns a ranch in Blanco County, TX that was to be divided four ways. However, because I am no longer a Texas resident she had asked me if I wanted to be bought out because of that. And, when I was home for Christmas she had another talk with me about my inheritance. After my mom passed away I blew through thousands of dollars & have nothing to show for it except probably a battered liver. I pissed it away on bar tabs & drugs. I was 22 years old & an idiot.

Alot has changed in 10 years. So, I'd like to think.

Long story short - I was honestly just looking to see when I could fly home. The contents of the will were not on my mind at the time, but getting home to my family was.

I borrowed Aunt D's car & went to pack up my shit. There was no way in hell I was staying in her filthy ass house one more night. Was that shitty of me? Probably. But, I was hurt. When I returned I sat on the front curb chain smoking & talking to J on the phone. Well, crying to J on the phone. Aunt K left without so much as a goodbye to me & I just lost my shit.

I realize she was stressed. Her mom had just died. She was in jeopardy of losing her job due to being out for so long. And, it was really just a bad time. However, treating me like shit was not something I was prepared for nor did I handle it very well. I'm not used to being the black sheep of the family.

It took a few days, but she finally came around. I actually apologized to HER for HER misunderstanding my question & she went back to her normal self.


Save the drama for your mama, baby!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Laying Nana to rest...

If you read my blog, you know that my Nana has been very sick. After traveling back & forth to Texas for the past two months, she finally passed away last Thursday while I was home for my cousin's college graduation.

I flew in on Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning we got the call to rush up to the hospital because it was "time". We waited & she kept right on living. Wednesday evening my cousins & I went out to celebrate Graduates last final exam & while out, we got the call that it was, again, "time." We gave our lemon drop shots away, paid the bar tab & rushed out of there arriving at the hospital suprisingly sober! We all stayed by her side until 4am. Again, she just kept on living...

Thursday morning we got the call, yet again. After a morning of praying with her, singing to her & letting her know that it was okay to go, she finally took her last breath. I had kept telling her to not worry about our agenda & to just worry about her own & she finally listened. Her final days were rough. She sounded like she was drowning & she was absolutely miserable as her lungs filled up with fluid. I prayed daily for God to take her, because she certainly didn't deserve to suffer this way.

I had happened to be in Target when she passed away. We really didn't think she was in a rush to go after the few "false" alarms. I took my cousin & sister to Target & we got the call. Graduate cousin was there, as well as the rest of my family. She said it was the most peaceful thing, ever. I did get back there & spent the next few hours with her until they took her. It was easy to see that she was finally at peace.

The next few days were whirlwind of activity & emotional outbursts. My family basically fell apart for a few days & we all took it out on each other. At one point, I packed my stuff from one aunt's house & moved it to another aunt's house because of the drama. I'm not proud of how we all handled it at first, but we all ended up uniting & getting our shit together!

The graduation was a wonderful distraction. And, we went ahead with our plans for a graduation party the following day. Nana was really big on education & a college graduation would have been one of her favorite events to celebrate.

After my cousin's graduation we had to get on with reality. We buried my Nana in her family's cemetery in Round Mountain, TX (population 111) on Monday. Nana's six granddaughters each wrote a paragraph about her that my sister & Texas Kate read at the funeral. I was still writing an hour before the service due to the worst case of writer's block I ever had! (not to mention the panic attack I had the night before while writing!) I will post mine here in the next few days.

After we buried Nana we left the Texas hill country & came back to Corpus Christi, TX... the place she had called home for the past 30 years. We had a lovely memorial service for her on Tuesday. By Wednesday, I was ready to fly home. And, luckily J was able to get me on his return fight. We arrived home at 1am last night!

It has not fully sunk in, yet, but I know the next few weeks will be rough for me. I've said it before, but my Nana was one amazing lady & she will be missed by many, but especially by me.

I sure do wish I could get kolaches in Virginia!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Ooooh, my baby's got a secret.

How open are you about your past? I mean, we've all done things in which we aren't exactly proud. How much of your shit are you allowed to actually keep stuffed inside your own closet? Are you obligated, for any reason, to share the sordid details of your past life to people with whom you have a relationship?

My answer is this:

If it directly affects your relationship, then yes, by all means spill the dirt. But if part of your past never touches anything you lay your future hands then, well, what is the point? If there is a chapter in your life that you want to rewrite then by all means, publish it!

Random Wednesday night thoughts, for a random Wednesday evening.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

It is with deepest regret I post

that my Nana has not passed, yet. Instead, she lays in a hospital bed suffering. Really? This is beyond not fair. I did as instructed & spoke to her on the phone. I told her it was okay go go be with -insert names of dead people here-. If she hangs on until next week I can tell her in person.

I realize there is a point in which you have hope for your loved one & do not want them to die, but we are way past that point. Now, it's just insane how much you want a person to let go so you don't have to watch them suffer.

Either way, I feel selfish. I guess we'll just see what happens.

In the meantime.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

A good time, brought to you by me.

It's Friday night. J & I decide to head up to Carpools. There is a scene that we dig up there & so we are going with it. Unfortunately, J lost his ID & last time we couldn't get in because they card at the door after a certain time.

No biggie. We decide to get up there ASS early, before they start carding.

We pick our spot at the bar in front of the game machine. No laughing. I really enjoy playing those games. We order our obligatory red bulls & vodka. When J & I are tired we go out & drink those because honestly, it gives us wings. And, at some point in the night, brass balls. So, we're hanging & eating our greasy cheeseburgers. Aunt Helen's brother happens to be there. Aunt Helen is J's ex girlfriend. She's the girl that dumped J three months prior to us meeting. Basically, I was the "rebound" girl there.

Two years later...

J & surfer boy ex-girlfriend's brother are catching up & I find it incredibly creepy. What if Aunt Helen shows up? Ick. Luckily, she doesn't. And, we keep drinking. We're looking for someone in the bar to play with & it just so happens we are two of fifteen people there that night.

We have a shot. Or two.

Then, two cute girls come sit down next to us at the bar. You know how I heart me some cuties.

Another shot, please.

The girls go outside on the patio & I tell J we should split up. J & I have game. Oh yes, we are professionals at this game. I tell him to go outside & spark up a conversation with them while I finish my luck at the game. (I wasn't going to let 10 credits go to waste, or to the big guy sitting next to me)

About twenty minutes go by & I am out of credits. My interest has moved to bigger & better things. I sashay my hot looking ass (new, tight jeans) outside & I crack a smile. J is sitting down with the ladies & they are all having a great time. I sit down with my huge grin & one of the gals immediately says, "You must be HER!"

J has a good habit of meeting cute girls at bars & telling them all about ME! It's really cute. We pair off. My interest is towards the petite blond who I end up talking to for the next two hours. We have everything in common. And, I knew we were to be insta-friends. J is juggling chubby brunette with amazing dimples & surfer boy ex-girlfriend's brother. The drinks are flowing. The air is warm. And, I am enjoying my new friends.

Finally, around midnight, J claims it is time to go. When he is done, he is done. So, I exchange numbers with blondie & invite her out for dinner the next night. I had already planned a girl's night out with two of my girlfriends. She accepts & J & I exit bar plotting our midnight snack. I normally do not partake in post alcohol induced snacking because I'm constantly watching my figure. He drives through Wendy's.

When we get home J parks the car & we sing to each other for about 20 minutes. Doing ridiculous things like this reminds me of why we are so great for each other. We have this uncanny ability to release our stress & troubles in our every day life by doing simple things together like blasting the radio, dancing & singing, like teenagers.

We stumble inside happily greeted by our beautiful puppy. And, for a moment, all is right in my world.

The next morning I am greeted vigorously by a relentless hangover.

Ahhhhh, Lola Starr, this is your life!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Randomness

1. Hottie #1 & Weiner just cancelled on us. Apparently they can't get along long enough to go hang out with us. Boo!

2. J has no ID. That pretty much limits what we do all weekend. Grrr.

3. When in Nordstrom Rack, watch out for the Tart buying the sequin tube top! Cha-ching!

4. When in Nordstrom Rack, be cool. Be very, very cool. Everyone is staring at you. And, they are all better dressed than you are!

4. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

5. I wrote my paragraph today for my Nana's funeral & she has not passed away yet. I figure it'll take me months to revise it & it's always better to plan ahead. Is this wrong?

6. I miss my sister. Nini, I love you!

7. I have a sudden craving for Luby's Cafeteria. I want the fish, mac & cheese & chocolate ice box pie. Sadly, there is no Luby's in Northern VA.

8. I am taking myself to see the remake of Clash of the Titans next week!

9. I need to put on my makeup so we can go out. I'm starving.

10. Why do I need a 10 when I have two 4's?

Have a great weekend!

Not another depressing blog.

Really, I'm sick of being sick. I've spent the past two days in bed, sleeping. I am sick. Or am I? I went to the doctor & it's "viral", but I think my sleeping 21 out of 24 hours is more than that.

That fog has cleared.

So, today is Friday. My mother came to me in my dream last night & told me, again, that my sister & I had to tell Nana it was okay to go home. My sister is going this weekend to complete that task. I will not be flying. (I'm sick, duh!) But, she will allow me to do my part on the phone. It's sad & depressing, but this is not another depressing blog. I don't care what I've typed thus far.

The good news is that J has done an amazing job caring for the children while I've been on my own private "death" bed. All things considered, him & I have had a good week. I appreciated him this week.

I woke up with my lymph node in my neck swollen so badly, but J gave me a happy pill & the pain has subsided. I'm going to the mall. I have never felt skinny in my life, but I'm starting to look thin-ish. At the doctor yesterday I was down to 142, which is almost insane for my body type. Needless to say, I am swimming in my clothes right now. Swollen neck or not, J & I are going out tonight with our besties, Hottie #1 & Weiner, & I am not wearing a moo moo. I'm going to enjoy this size 6 body for a minute & find something extremely flattering.


Because it will make me forget about all the other shit in my life, even if only for one night.

So, while things aren't peachy keen, jelly bean, they are calm for the moment. Even if I am typing under the influence of prescription pain medicine, I am content. For now.

Enjoy the weekend. Hold the ones you love close. And, may everyone who reads this find peace... even if it comes in a bottle.


There. I gave you a snort. Go on! Have some fun!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Another blah blog on another blah day.


That's where I am right now.

My Nana is dying. My relationship is taking some serious hits. And, my children are testing my patience. All, in a day's work, right?

I need some clarity. Some focus. Some food. (I've lost about 5 more lbs in the past few weeks without even trying!)

I did have a dear friend, Ladyhawk, come visit me on Friday & she made me a to-do list. I am proud to announce to her (she reads my blog) that I have finally returned my library books! And, more. I have actually made a dent in the list & it feels good.

It's nice to have someone's help, even with the little things.

So, I will continue to pound away on my list & maybe in the process find some clarity in all of this.


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I could pour my heart out here

or I could just tell you that my life is falling to pieces & leave it at that.

There are times in your life when you just want to crawl in the bed, pull the covers up over you & not wake up for 100 years. Well, my time for that is now.

My body aches, my stomach is in knots & I can't sleep. I am stressed to the max. I just spent six of the longest days of my life advocating loudly for the most amazing woman I've ever known. I get home last night & every time I turn a corner there is a slap in my face. The ex purposely didn't invite my daughters to Lavagirl's birthday party. My girls are devestated. We owe Reston Association 1700 dollars & can't even park in our spots. My house is a mess. J & I are fighting about all of the above because I cannot be calm about anything now.

I just want to scream. Or cry. Or both.

I have so many funny things to blog about, but I just am not motivated today. Maybe tomorrow.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

German Shephards, Taco Soup, Feeding Tubes, Sleep Deprivation & Sexting

all things happening in texas at this moment in time!!

Hi, It is Lola's sister!

1. Ive pretty much been awake since Tuesday Morning at 6:30 am.

2. I miss my son and my husband

3. My Nana just got back from recovery, and now is the proud owner of a feeding tube. Lets hope this helps!

4. My nana is shivering.

5. My Nana cussed me out all night. Do people who are the sweetest people eva get mean when they may or may not be dying. Im voting yes at this moment in time, but i still love her like a fat kid loves cake.

6. My sister is sexting with a drunk fiance. He may or may not be sleeping on the front porch. This sounds like a another blog in the making.

7. We bought vodka in honor of reading chelsea handlers book are you there vodka its me chelsea.

8. Only in Katy texas can you go to a liquor store where they also rent uhauls to find behind the counter a german shephard baring teeth and barking at customers.

9. Just had the best taco soup in the world. Lola made it and it was the best!

10. We are gonna play slap jack b/c I am to tired to think of how to play spades.

PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEEYOTCHES!

ps. my aunt is charging her phone in the bathroom, and she is talking to someone she so thinks we cant hear maybe but she so just farted and didnt skip a beat in her convo on the phone

Blogging while my sister is laying next to me in a hosptial room in Katy, TX on a rainy Thursday afternoon.

What really happens when we die?

As I sit here in my Nana's hospital room listening to her plan her funeral (what that really means is I am listening to her ramble about canceling a meal & who is going to open the cemetary gates) I am pondering this morbid topic, again.

Is there a heaven? And, how do we get in line for it? J & I had this conversation on the way to the airport yesterday. He told me he was afraid of dying because he wasn't really sure he believed in heaven. Is heaven just a place someone dreamed up so we don't have to be afraid to die? I don't know about you, but the thought of rotting in the ground is not appealing to me by any means. But, I'm a realist. I don't necessarily think we will bounce from cloud to cloud with the angels, either. It's one of those things I try not to think about because the outcome of my thoughts leaves me a bit sad, but as I watch the life leave my Nana I can't help but wonder about it all over again.

I can admit it. I am also afraid fo dying. I'm nowhere near ready to leave this Earth, but I know from experience that I could go at any given second on any given day. And, that sucks. I really hope there is a nice place we all go when we depart because I confess: the thought of that brings me comfort, too.

Did I just conform?

Anyways, this blog sucks & I am tired of thinking about death. I will sit here & watch my sister sleep. She has been up for two nights with Nana & she has earned herself a nice nap.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

This blog brought to you by vodka at 30,000 feet.

I am flying to Houston as I type & I'm online. How crazy is that? I did not know airlines had wi fi, but I am very excited that it only cost me 10 bucks. The vodka I am drinking cost me 6 bucks. The flight attendant gave me a buy one mini bottle of Finlandia get one free. So, happy Lola is getting buzzed before visiting her dying Nana.

I'm fucked.

No, seriously, I am at peace with this. Nana told my sister this morning that our mother told her she cannot die until I get there. After speaking to my long lost friend, MJ, I am convinced Nana is straddling two worlds. The real world & the after life. It is so crazy, but I don't think it's dementia. I will write more when I actually get there & lay eyes on her.

And, what day of mine wouldn't be ruined without a little ex-wife drama. The fucking cunt is refusing to invite the twins to Lavagirl's birthday party. Madison invited the twins & now we get to tell all three girls that Thing 1 & Thing 2 cannot attend because ex-wife is a whoreface bitchfucker.

Life is too short to be angry, so my vodka is cleansing my anger away.

I love flying.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Leaving on a jet plane, again.

Texas calls & I answer. I'm packing my bag, again, and heading down to the great state that I call home. Boy, this traveling is getting expensive!

One thing you have to understand is that my family is very close. We have been through a lot through the years. I had a cousin die at 16 in a car accident. Allison & I were very close. I was only 15 when she passed away & I remember my mother waking me up very early one morning to tell me Allie had been killed. It was a nightmare for me at 15. But, with the strength of our family, we all made it through that tragedy.

Five years later my mother passed away. She had gone through a liver transplant that was successful! Right before she was scheduled to leave the hospital they performed a routine needle biopsy & punctured the main artery in her liver causing her to hemorrhage. She died on the operating room table as they tried to stop the bleeding & there were able to revive her, but she was ultimately brain dead. We left her on the machines for 13 long days praying to God for a miracle. He didn't grant us one. I was 22 years old when I had to sign the paper to take her off of life support. My sister was 19. We were "orphans". But, we made it through that horrible experience with the help of my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles & cousins.

Three years ago we lost the most wonderful man to a stroke. Papa had been a cancer survivor & was battling Alzheimer's at the time when he had a stroke. He fell out of bed one night & the next few days were brutal. At this time I lived up here in Virginia so I could not be with them. I remember asking when I should come & I didn't end up going until after he passed away. I still kick myself for not going with my gut & getting on that plane right when I got the call that he was in the hospital.

My Grandparents had been married for 53 years & Papa's death took a huge toll on Nana. But, she survived with the help of her 3 living children & grandchildren.

Last September, I was sitting in the elementary school cafeteria when I got the call that my Aunt Karen has died in her sleep the night before. I was heartbroken. She was an amazing person & I admired her greatly. My mother used to tell me that I was a lot like my Aunt Karen & I took great pride in knowing that that meant my Mom thought I was just as amazing as she had been. I left immediately for home to be with my seemingly shrinking family.

Now, my Nana is fighting for her life. Or, not fighting. I know she's ready to move on to the next chapter, but selfishly, I am not ready to lose her. It's tough living 1300 miles away from your family because I know they need me. The ones that can take turns sitting with her at the hospital, but the ones that can are very few. We all have our own lives. We have families, jobs, commitments, etc.

So. I'm rambling. The point is, once again I am faced with do I hop on the plane & go down there or do I wait? Is Nana going to gain some strength & her memory back to have a "better" visit? Everyone in my family tells me something different. Don't come now because she may be better next week. Come now because next time you come she may not know who you are. It's confusing. And, I know the choice is mine.

My family will survive the five days I am gone. Yes, it'll be hard on them, but I know when I am needed. And, that time is now.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Talk about a bad day.

Not today. Today is a good day. Today is a great day!

Last Thursday, however, was not a great day.

I took Thing 1 & Thing 2 for their 6 year old check up & the doctor told me that my children are obese. I just blogged about this topic last month. Sigh. Do I think they are obese? Fuck no. They are tall & they are big, but obese? So, I have to monitor what they eat & tell them no when they ask for things I am not supposed to give them. Sigh. They are not supposed to gain any significant weight for 2 years. What the fuck. Mother is not happy.

Lavagirl got in trouble for scratching a kid at school. She has never put her hands on anyone at school, although she does use physical force with the twins. She has hit, pushed & kicked both of them. It infuriates me, but that's another blog for another day. The bottom line is that she cannot express her emotions with her words so she uses her hands. Not good. Not good at all.

The Boy forged his mother's signature on his progress report. Sigh. He is 12 & I know this is just the beginning of him experimenting with trouble, but I hope this is the last of it. He is grounded. Grounded is not a word in his vocabulary. All weekend long he wanted to do this & that & the other. J finally broke down & let his girlfriend come over for dinner last night. I was not happy. But, who am I? Just the make believe mom.... hahaha!

How ironic it was that we had issues with all four children in one day?

What did J & I do about it? We went out for margaritas. Snort.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Playing with the Queen of Tarts

Queen of Tarts - "What did you do to your hair?"

Lola - "I sweated" (I HAD just left the gym!)

I tucked my tail between my legs & fled Target as fast I could. I forgot my juice pouches. Sigh.

Oh well, there is always next time.

Glee is back on next Tuesday, btw!

Signs, signs, everywhere are signs...

Four months until the wedding & I have no caterer, no officiant, no decorations, no flowers, no cake & no DJ.

I have nothing.

I have tried to join those wedding websites. The Knot, The Wedding Channel, you know? But, I just can't get motivated. J hasn't even picked groomsmen. I think he's even less prepared than I.

Is this a sign?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

She's baaaaaaaaaaaack.

I'll update you in list format. My favorite.

1. I love Texas. I love cowboy boots, bluebonnets, Sonic happy hour, my family, Mo's Place, horse back riding, baby ducks & delicious Mexican food.

2. I've been up since 4am. It is almost midnight. I should sleep.

3. Today is Easter & I have eaten a TON of chocolate candy. Fat day!

4. I am looking forward to hitting the gym tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks.

5. My Nana is not doing well.

6. I had sex today! And, it was amazing. I think J may have missed me while I was gone. The Easter bunny bought new lingerie!

7. I just ate more chocolate.

8. My dad did show up to lunch & brought my younger brothers. I wish they were really a part of my life, but I know they never will be. It is incredibly sad. My dad, that is.

9. I have cable television for the first time in over a year. What should I watch first?

10. My divorce is finally final. (Ladyhawk, we should go celebrate by having lunch this week!)

I'm exhausted - physically & mentally. I do have faith that this week I will resume my "normal" life & not lay around in bed all week. My goal is to work out four times this week. I also want to have sex four times this week. Fuck it, I may do everything times four this week just so I have something fun to blog about.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Grandmother has cancer.

So, yeah. It's been a rough week. I've managed to sleep past 10 And, I have four kids. That is nearly impossible to do unless you have an enabler. (thank you, J)

I am depressed. (either that or pregnant, and if you read my blog you know I'm not having sex so we can cross that off the list of things wrong with me)

I leave on Tuesday for Texas with Thing 1 & 2. Naturally, J's ex wouldn't let me take his kids & J actually isn't coming because of work. I guess we'll see if he can survive 6 days without me! I'm sure he can & then he'll figure out he doesn't really need me afterall & we will can the entire wedding thing even though I purchased my dress yesterday. Snort.

I'm really not doing well. I try not to let anyone know, but then I write a blog about it & well, now 33 strangers who follow my blog know that I'm a basket case. Friends, please pass it along.

Anyways, I may be scarce for a while when I am gone. Or, I may be back to blog about the cousin chronicles. I mean, how can I go to Texas without going honky tonkin' with my cousins?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sometimes you just have to drown your sorrows in a bowl of ice cream.

And, as OCD as I am about my weight, things must be pretty damn bad for me to pop the top off of some Ben & Jerry's.

I know you guys are sick of reading about J's ex-wife. I'm sick of writing about it. I'm embarrassed to admit I cannot get over the facebook incident. Not only, was I not over it before, but then she actually made the Boy log in to his facebook & delete me as his parent. Against his wishes... Rub the salt in my wounds, bitch.

I know my concerns should be with him & how unfair it was to him to make him to something he didn't want to do. (did I use him, enough in that sentence?) And, I am concerned. But, I also feel that she just took a big dump on me. She & Grandwhore have made a complete mockery of me. Me. The woman who helps raise her children when she's off galavanting around not raising them.

Tonight was the Science Fair at the school. Ex called J to remind him to bring the Boy as her father was going to be there to see his project. Well, why couldn't she bring him? It's her dad. J said she had to work. Fine. I almost went, but by the saving grace of a box of Stouffer's mac & cheese that takes an hour to bake, I was saved. But, J did take the kids. All of them. Including mine. And guess what? She was there.

So, not only was I uncomfortable going when I thought it was just her dad going to be there, but I freaked when I found out she was there. And, my kids were there. Yes, I know I sound crazy, but I don't want them near her. I can't be near her. She is the one who should be ashamed of her behavior and yet, I feel like the walking idiot.

And to top it all off... J is about as unsupportive as a bra without underwire.

This all just sucks so bad that I am eating a bowl of ice cream & saying "FUCK YOU" to the world.

For once, I am defeated. And, I have the calories to prove it.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life


Simply hilarious. It's like Tucker Max for chics! (if you don't know who Tucker Max is google him NOW)

My book club (which consists of me & my hot friends) picked this book for our first ever meeting. While my friends were off partying it up in VA Beach (I mean, running a half marathon) I actually read the assignment. It's an easy, fun read & I even found myself reading parts to J - who in turn was laughing hysterically. It's a book about her collection of one night stands. Each chapter is a different one night stand & you honestly won't believe half the shit she gets herself into... she is my IDOL! I want to be HER! LOL!

How does one girl get a date with her Ecstasy toting Gyno & end up watching him have sex with another man? It's almost hard to believe some of the stuff she's done, but then I think about the stuff I've done & I believe that some crazy shit can happen to good people. Snort.

My blog is my place to creatively write. Some days are better than others. My goal is to take the funniest blogs & publish them into a novel. I have a few more years worth of writing until I can start on that project. I guess I better get myself into some trouble SOON so I have something to write about!

Today, I got nothing. I have gas pains, a zit the size of Texas, my Grandmother finds out her test results (cancer or not) & my hardwood floors look a mess!

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow.

Friday, March 19, 2010

So, I'm going to do it...

I'm going to let my children meet my father. This is a huge deal. My father has never played a role in my life. I have blogged about this before. As usual, I have writer's block so I'm revisiting old topics.

I am going to Houston in two weeks for the twins' Spring Break. My Grandmother isn't doing well & she's been at my Uncle's house since she left the hospital. Her health inspired me to take an impromptu trip home. And, since we're going to be there I emailed my father. It's about time he met his six year old grand daughters. When he didn't respond to my email I text messaged him & he assured me that he would not travel that week so that he could visit with us.

We'll see how it goes. He isn't known for his follow through.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

An ode to my besties...

I haven't blogged about them in a while. Hottie #1 & Hottie #2 are my besties. We are a threesome force to be reckoned with! Seriously.

Every girl needs a bestfriend (or two). These are the girls you can count on for ANYTHING. These are the girls who stand by your side through thick & thin. These are the girls who will tell you that the wedding dress hangs on you like a sack & does nothing for your amazing figure you've been working hard on for the past year. These are the girls you can make out with when you are drunk & it not be weird the next day. (they are both great kissers! LOL) These are the girls who don't care if you fart in front of them even when it smells. These are the girls you wake up to meet at 6am for a jog ON A WEEKEND. These are the same girls who jog slowly because they know your pace is far slower. These are the girls you trust with everything & expect nothing in return. These are the girls who will stand by your side when you get married this summer. These are the girls you can't live without & when you haven't seen each other in 2 weeks it really sucks.

Even though we are all so different, we complement each other. Hottie #1 is 39, been married a few times, two children, one teenage boy & preschool daughter. She is going through a divorce & just moved in with her boyfriend, Weiner. (who is J's best friend) She is hot! I mean, traffic stopping gorgeous. If you go anywhere with her you see men wiping their drool in to their napkins. Hell, women drool over her, too. She gets hit on more than anyone I've ever met! She is blond, thin, fake boobs & great ass. And even though she is barbie beautiful she is not stuck up. She has the most bubbly personality & she may be too sweet sometimes. ha! Hottie #2 is only 26, beautiful, no kids, no plans on having any, great career, well educated & can't keep a boyfriend for longer than a month. She is very, very picky & sometimes uses men for sex. Snort. She has long, dark hair, an amazing curvaceous body & loves her dog like most people love their children. She is the wild child in the group & going out with her is guaranteed to the night of your life!
I am now done being mushy.

We are having a much needed Girl's Night In at Hottie #2's house this evening. No kids, no men, no drama... just us, wholly guacamole & few bottles of wine.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Childhood obesity

And, I'm not just talking about the kids you see on Maury who are 2 & weigh 100lbs because sometimes I think those shows are fake. There is no way in hell a mother actually feeds her 2 year old a gallon of milk, 20 pancakes & a pound of bacon for breakfast. Is there?

I know a child who is 9, 5'1 & weighs 160lbs. That is more than I weigh. He has low self esteem, his parents don't get along, his father picks on him & calls him names & he is now failing 4th grade. Basically, his life sucks. And, I'm not sure being obese is his biggest problem...

We were out to dinner a few weeks ago with him & his family. He wanted to order off the adult menu & I tried to convince him to order off the child's menu, but he shook his head, crossed his arms & said, "NO!". His parents let him order off the adult menu & his plate was piled so high with Mexican yummyness. He ate the entire meal & left not even a morsel. He helped J finish his meal! By the time he was done, his stomach was obviously full & bloated, but he still managed to eat dessert. (and finish my dessert, too) Why his parents allow this, I don't know. I've tried to tread lightly on the subject, but it's family.

I have always watched what my children eat & monitor closely their exercise. They are not overweight, but they are big girls. And, obesity runs in both my side & their father's side that I know I will always have to monitor this... That's my job...

So, why is it this poor, overweight child isn't better taken care of? Sometimes you just have to stop buying the candy, chips & donuts. It is hard to say no to your child, but it's going to be alot harder to deal with all of the issues that come with being morbidly obese.

I just don't what I can do to help without seeming like a jerk. Becuase, I know I'm a dick sometimes, but I try to wear a halo around family. Paranoid look here.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

You know what happens when you assume, right?

I find it terribly frustrating that my former internet "friends" couldn't just email me to ask me for an explanation of yesterday's blog. Instead, some people flew off the handle at others & created a lot of drama that was absolutely hurtful to some.

So, with that being said, I am posting my response written on this blog to a member of a website that thought my blog was about them. Since you weren't capable of asking ME about this matter instead of assuming it was & decided to post about it on my blog, I will post right back to you so everyone can see. I have nothing to hide.

Thanks for bringing this drama to my blog. I have three more followers today then I had yeterday.

Dear Scarlet,

My blog is semi-fictitious (please don't tell my readers) & this entry is not based on one single internet site or gathering. I would probably not go around telling people this blog was about your site unless you want to ensue unnecessary drama.

I have been on my fair share of message boards & written similar vents on this exact same topic on this very blog! Feel free to search them out & again, those are not about any one site in particular.

I am sorry for any confusion,

Monday, March 15, 2010

Internet people can be dicks.

If you are reading my blog, chances are you are an "internet people". And, according to my title, you can be a dick. haha. I don't really mean YOU. I promise I wouldn't offend all 26 of my readers in such a fashion!

But, I had a guest over a few weeks ago that I met from the internet. We met for the first time a few years ago & have seen each other occasionally since. We aren't BFFs, but we get along really well. We respect each other mutually & she's been there for me through some tough internet times. She's a pretty groovy chick even though we are completely opposite in almost every, single way imaginable. /end mush

She happens to belong to a internet group where they are totally clique-ish. Think Mean Girls. Snort. If you aren't on the inside, you are on the outside. And, well, it sucks for the Janice Ians of the world no matter what they do they will never get their cool pass for the secret forums or inside jokes. Some could say, "It's just the internet, get over it!", however, it is usually more personal than you think. Sometimes internet people throw special gatherings & invite their cliques & special friends aka Army of Skanks. They might claim it is an open invite for all of their internet homies until an outsider or two shows up. The Army of Skanks waste no time swinging their balls around seeing who can be the biggest dick. I guess they figure if they keep being crapweasles that the outsiders will eventually stop attending these "open to all, family friendly, peace, love & crabs" events.

It annoys me. It annoys me to the point that I want brand these so-called "dicks" with a scarlet H, for hypocrite. So I say, take your Army of Skanks & fuck off.

That is all.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sunday, it's a wrap!

I'm over this day that I can't think of anything witty or fun to write about.

So, I'm not going to blog. I'm going to get my PJs on & get in my bed. I'm angry, annoyed, lonely & the only person I like right now is my dog.

The end.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I called for back up & all I got was this stupid Grandwhore.

Two weeks ago, the Boy & I were sitting down at my laptop hanging out like we normally do. We were on my facebook looking at something when he asked me why I didn't list him & Lavagirl as my "children" on my facebook page. I had only listed Thing 1 & Thing 2.

So, I listed them. And, I tagged the link to his page because he has his own facebook account. No big deal. I am his soon to be stepmom & he has been calling me his stepmom for over a year. I could spend all day justifying this, but we have our own special bond & I'm not even sure if "stepmom" does it any justice.


Life goes on as normal & a few weeks go by. Then I get an email from the EX.


I have received some messages from my family members about you listed as the Boy’s parent on his facebook and stating that he is your son. Could you please remove that? Thank you for your understanding.


I was stunned. Really? I am fuming now because I didn't state he was my "son", but, yes, it does say on his page that I am his parent. I guess she should friend her son on facebook instead of telling him she doesn't want to be his friend & perhaps he would tag her, too.


The Boy asked me to do it last week. There was no option for step child. I don't see the big deal as he wanted to be listed as one of my children and he is as far as I am concerned, step or whatever.

There are some things you are just going to have to get over.

I hope you understand that this is one of them. It is facebook, not real life. We all know you are his mother.



A little bitchy? Yes. But, I'm tired of taking it in the ass by her. If you've read my blog for any amount of time you can probably find some of her thrusting behaviors.


You aren’t married so technically you aren’t even his step-mother yet but I can see you won’t respect my request so I will handle it with the Boy.


You don't have to be legally married to be an extra parent to someone.

It amazes me how you are so juvenile when there really is no reason to act this way.

I know where I stand in your children's lives and changing a facebook status will not change that, legally married or what not. And, there doesn't have to be this tension surrounding it, but you continue to create it!


Ps - he has to remove it from his page for the tag to remove.


Seriously. Do I need a license to be a practicing step mom? I have done more for those children in two years then she's probably done in 12.

So, the Boy comes home & his mom calls him. Then his dad calls him. I wasn't present for either conversation, but we were in the kitchen when he said, "I don't know what to do about this facebook situation."

I told him that his mother was upset, but that I wasn't changing my facebook. If he needs to change his, I would help him. He told me his dad told him he didn't have to change it. And then he said...

"I want to leave it the way it is."

Then, I get this email from the EX'S MOTHER, WHO I HAVE NEVER MET.

To whom it may concern:

As parents (birth, adopted, step, real, make-believe, …etc) we have an obligation to teach our children morals and values. One of these is to respect other people – their opinions and feelings.

As adults, we also sometimes need to hold back and be a better person by not attacking others if/when we don’t agree with what they say or do. This is what differentiates adults from children, who don’t know better.

Also, as ‘parents’, we sometimes have to do things that may not be what our children want or ask us to do. I am one of the people who were taken back by seeing who was listed as the Boy’s mother. If this was a request by the Boy, then it may have to be one of those situations where the adult makes the decision not to comply.

My stupid daughter’s request was simply “Could you please remove?”. Based on reactions of her family members, she has feelings and was simply asking for you to respect them.

I am hurt by the response to her to “Get over it” ; for being “so Juvenile”; and for creating tension surrounding it.

J, as a parent, I would hope that you would only let into your children’s life, someone who is going to love and care for your children as they would their own. The person should respect the fact that their mother IS AND WILL BE their mother always and forever, AND she deserves more respect than is being given.

Thanks for your consideration and respect of my feelings,

Grandwhore's name here


Dear Grandwhore,

Who the fuck cares about your feelings?

I believe I am qualified enough to be listed as the Boy's parent on facebook. Since I've known him, I am the one who has helped him with his homework at night. I am the one he asks to play Rock Band. I am the one he confides in when his girlfriend breaks up with him. I am the one who helps him plot on how to win her back. I am the one he asks to accompany him on his 6th grade field trip. I am the one who climbs 3 stories & walks across a tight rope in a harness because his friends tell him he has a cool "stepmom" while on this said field trip. (Mind you, I am afraid of heights) I am the one he climbs next to in bed & tickles. I am the one who has had him sitting on my lap at the tender age of 12. I am the one he hugs when he comes home every day & I even get extra hugs when I haven't seen him a few days. I am the one he invites to eat lunch with his 6th grade friends. I am the one who eats lunch with him at school when he invites me. I am the one who stays up with him until midnight to finish a science fair project TWICE when his own mother refuses to help. I am the one who taught him how to fold laundry & unload a dishwasher. I am the one who has been mothering him since I met him because he wanted to be mothered.

And more importantly, I am the one he asked to list him as my child on facebook.

I hope to teach my children, biological & make-believe, that respect is something that is earned, and that we just don't respect people because of one of their title's in life. I have done anything & everything for your daughter when it comes to helping her with the children.

Oh & now I see where your daughter gets her juvenile behavior. It became very clear right after I opened this email from YOU.


That last email I only wrote for you guys. Snort.