Monday, September 29, 2008

Come home

Please come home, 'cause I miss you.

And it isn't because the kids drove me mad, either. Insert paranoid face here.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Top ten reasons you're not answering your phone

10. You are drunk & passed out in a cave.

9. You are drunk & passed out in a cave with a cave whore.

8. You got so excited that the Redskins won that you stripped down completely naked & excitedly paraded down the streets of Charleston, SC. You got arrested & you haven't been allowed your one phone call, yet.

7. You are out buying me diamond earrings at 9pm on a Sunday evening.

6. You heard how I loaded up our kids, took them to Chick-fil-a, sat in the drive thru for a good five minutes waiting & not realizing they are closed on Sundays. Thus, creating five disappointed children who had to settle for Taco Bell & McDonalds since they all couldn't agree on the same fast food joint for dinner.

5. Because I have been a little shitty on the phone with you the entire time you've been gone due to stress & extreme fatigue.

4. You decided to go to bed early since you stayed up all night drinking with your brother last night.

3. You fell in the ocean & got bit by a Tiger shark. It just so happens the shark bit the hand you use to make phone calls.

2. Your Aunt locked you in a closet with a broom, a lighter & a pound of marijuana. You are smoking yourself stupid. I'm not quite sure of the broom's purpose.

1. You don't want to call & thank me for the 1,000th time this weekend for keeping our children safe, fed & happy-ish for 48 hours straight while not going completely insane.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The single mom & her kids plus 2.

Pass the beer & xanax, please.

It's Friday. Usually Fridays are glorious, exciting days. This Friday - not so much. Not only is it raining, dreary & a bit chilly, but I have the longest weekend ahead of me. J is going out of town (on a private jet!) to his Grandparent's house until Tuesday. He's claims he is going for testing, but I have a feeling he'll have more fun than he will mention.

Just so you know, I was invited to go. And I really wanted to get on that private jet to Charleston, SC. Unfortunately, I cannot take off Monday & Tuesday for ANY reason. I'm the only Realtor on my team who is going to be here next week & so my plans got shot down. (I hope the plane doesn't!)

So, I did the next best thing. Snort. I offered to keep his children instead of having to send them to his mom's in Maryland. I have the A's this weekend & now I have the M & the T. And I love his kids. I really do. They are fabulous. And I love my kids. Sometimes. But when you get the 3 girls together (ages 4, 4, & 5) it can & usually is a little chaotic.

Oh & I have to take them shopping for J's birthday. The single mom & her kids plus 2 at the mall, alone. I figure if I can pull this off that I can do ANYTHING. And I mean that. Did I mention I'll also be caring for the 6 month old Boxer puppy who pees everywhere?

If I live to tell about this Monday's blog should be interesting.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

This is only a test.

Yep. It's Thursday. Thursday is the most tumultuous day of the week for J & I. Let's see, last week we fought about him helping his ex get in to rehab. The week before was the wedding garbage. At his brother's wedding a few weeks ago the Pastor was giving a little sermon & something I haven't been able to forget - YOU CANNOT KEEP SCORE. (and if you know me AT ALL you know that I would rather gnaw off my own arm than listen to anything a religious person had to say) But, I still insist he had a good point. When J & I fight we usually drag up old shit from a few Thursdays ago turning the little bomb off in to a nuclear warhead.

So, now, it's Thursday. And I'm not mad at him. He has not done anything wrong. I still love him. And, it's 11:30am.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Smitten Kitten

An IM goodbye exchange between J & I. I love him. There I said it. I do.

J (9/24/2008 12:07:16 PM): peace out yo
Lola (9/24/2008 12:07:21 PM): peace, beeyotch!
J (9/24/2008 12:07:28 PM): peace hooker
Lola (9/24/2008 12:07:37 PM): I don't get paid
Lola (9/24/2008 12:07:42 PM): I'm just a ho, not a hooker
J (9/24/2008 12:08:46 PM): this is true
J(9/24/2008 12:08:49 PM): and you are god
J (9/24/2008 12:08:50 PM): good
J(9/24/2008 12:08:52 PM): damn good
Lola(9/24/2008 12:08:53 PM): I am god, too
J (9/24/2008 12:08:57 PM): yes you are
J (9/24/2008 12:09:00 PM): a sex goddess
Lola (9/24/2008 12:09:03 PM): awww
Lola(9/24/2008 12:09:05 PM): how sweet
Lola (9/24/2008 12:09:13 PM): nicest thing you've said to me all day long.
J (9/24/2008 12:09:14 PM): see ya beotch
J (9/24/2008 12:09:18 PM): oh good
J (9/24/2008 12:09:20 PM): i love you
J (9/24/2008 12:09:23 PM): how about that
Lola(9/24/2008 12:09:24 PM): i love you, baby
J (9/24/2008 12:09:26 PM): you like that
Lola (9/24/2008 12:09:27 PM): thank you.

Now, I had to leave out the very end due to explicit content. This is the internet & everything I say can & will be used against me. But, he makes me melt like butter sometimes.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Random Tuesday thoughts

Yes, I know sassafrass only has one s. Just in case you thought I couldn't spell.

I have been to the doctor, courthouse, DMV & reinstated my car insurance that I didn't know had lapsed.

I don't know why I won't just go to the post office & have my mail forwarded to my new address. It's causing me a lot of financial stress to not have my bills in one place.

I desperately need 10,000. I'm hoping the forces that be will cut me a check really soon.

Today is National Bisexual Day or whatever. And I can't even get some hot lovin' because I have a UTI.

The past few days have just sucked. Someone send me a vibe. I mean good vibes.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Panic! At this fiasco!

There are two things you should know about me.

1. Everything in my life is complicated.

2. It's not ALWAYS my fault, entirely.

Today sucks.

1. I had to surrender my drivers license on Saturday night. The reason? My boyfriend got a speeding ticket on a suspended license. So they took mine, ran it & guess what? I'm suspended, too. (failure to pay speeding ticket) Wugh. How can I buy wine tonight with no ID?? I had no time to run down to pay the ticket not to mention head to DMV to reinstate my license. I also don't have any money. See #3.

2. My closings today were a nightmare. Talk about dropping the ball... the lender, not me. We sat there long enough for 4 settlements!

3. My bank account said $70.00. I got paid on Friday. I didn't spend 1,000 plus dollars this weekend. Apparently, I had a tax lien from the great Commonwealth of Virginia. And I would have known about it had I forwarded my mail from the townhouse my ex & I own to the condo I'm now renting. This one was my fault entirely. The accounting department gave me a paycheck of $335.00 - which was the amount of the lien. *ROLL EYES* So, they fucked up. And that wasn't my fault. Thankfully, my boyfriend can bail me out of tight financial messes. And it makes him happy to do so. Really, it does.

4. I ate a gasoline soaked cookie today. Well, I spit it out, but 2 hours later I still taste gas. Someone in my office brought in cookies from the back of her car from an open house yesterday. I guess there was a gas can back there. Now, I feel sick.

Is your head spinning, yet? Mine is.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Lost & Found

It's funny how that sometimes when you think all is lost in a situation you can experience something that helps you find it all over again.

The wedding weekend was fabulous. Not only did J & I get along, but we actually had a great time. I was dressed perfectly, acted accordingly & got plenty of nods from his entire family. We do make an interesting match & I think that's a lot of what is so exciting about our relationship.

And, in my drunken stupidity Saturday night I lost my dress. We came back from the reception wasted off of something called "Swamp Water". I remember my spanx just KILLING me so I changed immediately. I must have placed my dress in the most obscure spot because the next morning as I was packing I could not find the damn thing! J called the lodge & gave them his contact information just in case they found it...

And they did.

And now my perfect, romantic, sweet & loving relationship has been found, again. And it feels almost as good as the return of my perfect, size 8 blue dress.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A Letter to the Ex

Dear Charmaine*,

It was very lovely to meet you Saturday night. When I shook your 80 year old Aunt Helen hand on Saturday I knew that you were not the epitome of high class. Your Forever 21 dress expired about 8 years ago... you know, the day you turned 22. Making out with your new boyfriend in the hall way outside the reception & getting caught with that dress up over your ass was your ticket to being made fun of for an infinite amount of time. If I had a nickel for every time I heard from friends & family members how you didn't belong there, you were no good for J anyways or that I'm a much better catch I'd have enough to treat you to a brownie sundae. Nice job on the weight loss & I wish you great success in not gaining your third ass back. I guess I'd better take you out for a glass or 5 of wine instead of the sundae.

Furthermore, please quit calling my boyfriend with your kidney stone problems. Try the infectious disease hotline. You probably have them programmed in to your speed dial.

Warmest regards,


*name has been changed because her name sucks & this one is better.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The games people play

I swear I did not create this blog to journal all about my relationship with J. But, dammit, he's the only thing remotely interesting in my life. You don't want to read about my latest pedicure or my need for highlights.

J's brother is getting married this weekend. (His bride's name is Lola, too!) Back when J & I first started dating this summer he asked me to go with him. And naturally, I agreed.

Fast forward.

The wedding had gotten swept under the rug of non existence all summer long. About 3 weeks ago I think I asked him if he still wanted me to go. Of course, a girl has to plan an entire wardrobe around a wedding. I needed time to do this. This is where J's confession comes out.

"My ex-girlfriend is going to be there."

Well, fine. She exists. I get it. She's a friend of the bride. Can't fault Lola #2 for that! She & J are still friends. Whatever. (You know I wouldn't really have a problem with it if he wasn't so secretive about their friendship. But, flip the coin & maybe I don't want to know anything about their "friendship") And, yes, they were together for 6 years. That's the length of my marriage. The point is, I'm his girlfriend now & we're happy. So, what's the big deal? I told him at that moment that it was fine that she was there & I would not hold it against him. I am a 31 year old, well-mannered (when I want to be) lady & I would never do anything to embarrass him or his family.

Oh & guess what? I am way cuter than she is. I get one free catty pass, right?

Well, last week I decided it was time to purchase the dress I would wear for the blessed union of the two love birds even though J hadn't brought it up in about 3 weeks. I still purchased a knock out dress, fabulous shoes & if I could just get a pair of Spanx by Saturday I will be good to go. J showed ZERO interest in my dress. None. I don't know, he's pretty stylish & a bit metro-sexual. I figured he'd be dying to know what I would be wearing. Nah. No interest. I was disappointed to say the very least.

And then this week goes by without ONE WORD from him on the wedding. Keep in mind that this is a destination wedding. West Virginia here we come. Snort.

By the time Tuesday rolled around I knew he was uncomfortable about something & decided to play this game. I'd wait for him to come out with it & then get mad while accusing him of not wanting me to go. It all made perfect sense inside my pea brain. I really am an asshole. Just sayin'.

This morning here goes the IM. (and I'm para-phrasing & making you guess who is saying what)

"I'm stressed"

"About what?"

"You don't want to hear it."

"Of course I do"

"I'm worried about the wedding."

"Oh, really? Why?"

"I'm afraid my kids will pay more attention to What's Her Name than you."


We have the excuse I was looking for. So, for the next hour I get mad. I'm mad because I know he's really worried about me being at the wedding with her. I don't know if he's afraid I'm going to be a douche, an asshole or embarrass him in front of his family. Part of me thinks maybe they are a little more than "friends" & he doesn't want me to find out thus creating a lot of anxiety for him.

He got very upset I jumped to conclusions, but without communication you naturally assume the worst. Am I wrong? I would think that in a reversal of roles I would do everything I could to express just how much it meant to me for him to go somewhere even if my exboyfriend/girlfriend was in attendance. It's naturally an awkward situation & if he's awkward than how can I not be?

Well, I am still sitting up on my high horse not believing that he just forgot to tell me the plans for the wedding. Less than 24 hours until we leave & he's just now telling me. What the fuck? This requires me to take 1/2 a day off work, skip the gym tonight to pack & go find a new outfit for the rehearsal dinner that I didn't know I was invited.

"I suck at planning."

That's his excuse.

Now, I'm wrong on many levels here. I know I am. But, I'm hurt that he made no mention of any wedding plans all week because he's uncomfortable about his ex-girlfriend being there. I made it very well known that I didn't care if she was going to be there.

Fuck it, weddings are fun & I have a hot dress to wear.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


That's the note I found in J's car door this morning.

Two weeks ago he went to Atlantic City with a few guys for his brother's bachelor party. Now, I had no fear of him flying off the faithful deep end while there. I know he thinks he's all that & can get any chick he wants, but I know better. (and it isn't because he's not good looking, because he is)

Let me just mention how often he called me during his night of drunken stupidity. He must have mentioned he wanted to marry me 10 times that night. Groan. I think at one point I told him to go have fun with the guys & to quit calling me. In all fairness, he was hammered. But, whatever. And now I may be thinking he was feeling a bit guilty. Snort.

So, two weeks later & J offers to take my car for an oil change. I am driving his car & I find that note. I start thinking what a jackass. And I want to get mad, but I don't. I guess it's because I feel sorry for him because I know he didn't get the note's intender to AC with him.

But, honestly, why didn't he hide his evidence? Was it because it was no big deal to him & he was just fucking around or is it because he's a man & let's face it - men are that dumb.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The perfect date

Saturday night & no kids - That's a rare occurrence. No matter how hard we try it seems that either J or I have some extra baggage on the weekend. And about once a month we get lucky & get a kid free day or two.

Please don't think we don't love our children. Har.

So, after hours of him asking me what I want to do I finally tell him.

"Look, I want a sushi dinner!"

And shortly after my declaration we arrive at the sushi place. J's a total sushi virgin. So, we're listening to the specials as I start excitedly checking off the order form. We got a couple different rolls. A salmon & cream cheese roll. A California roll with real crab meat. And a spicy shrimp tempura roll.

The appetizer comes. Barely cooked tuna with wasabi sauce. I'm not impressed. The salad comes & since Japanese dressing is to die for we literally almost lick our plates clean. J tried the Miso soup which is always delicious. He even pointed out the pieces of tofu.

After much anticipation the sushi arrives. The first thing I notice is that the Brotherly Love (salmon & cream cheese) has fish eggs on the top. Now, I love sushi, but I hate fish eggs. The thought of eating them makes me gag. But since this is J's first real sushi experience I just knock the top of the fish egg tower off my sushi & go to town. Raw salmon. Blech.

The California roll & the shrimp tempura were both actually good.

J tries the fish egg salmon cream cheese thing & tries to put on a happy face. I think his exact words were, "Interesting!"

Moving on to the yummilicious rolls I see J starting to slow down. And he can normally eat me under the table. A few minutes go by & he confesses...

"I just threw up in my mouth a little!"

He claims he tried to like sushi. And deep down I know he did. But after that the dinner was ruined & we finished our wine while joking about how we'd never come back to this place.

And the icing on the cake...

He paid NINETY DOLLARS for a dinner he hated.

So you see, it was the perfect date.