Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Grandmother has cancer.

So, yeah. It's been a rough week. I've managed to sleep past 10 And, I have four kids. That is nearly impossible to do unless you have an enabler. (thank you, J)

I am depressed. (either that or pregnant, and if you read my blog you know I'm not having sex so we can cross that off the list of things wrong with me)

I leave on Tuesday for Texas with Thing 1 & 2. Naturally, J's ex wouldn't let me take his kids & J actually isn't coming because of work. I guess we'll see if he can survive 6 days without me! I'm sure he can & then he'll figure out he doesn't really need me afterall & we will can the entire wedding thing even though I purchased my dress yesterday. Snort.

I'm really not doing well. I try not to let anyone know, but then I write a blog about it & well, now 33 strangers who follow my blog know that I'm a basket case. Friends, please pass it along.

Anyways, I may be scarce for a while when I am gone. Or, I may be back to blog about the cousin chronicles. I mean, how can I go to Texas without going honky tonkin' with my cousins?

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Sometimes you just have to drown your sorrows in a bowl of ice cream.

And, as OCD as I am about my weight, things must be pretty damn bad for me to pop the top off of some Ben & Jerry's.

I know you guys are sick of reading about J's ex-wife. I'm sick of writing about it. I'm embarrassed to admit I cannot get over the facebook incident. Not only, was I not over it before, but then she actually made the Boy log in to his facebook & delete me as his parent. Against his wishes... Rub the salt in my wounds, bitch.

I know my concerns should be with him & how unfair it was to him to make him to something he didn't want to do. (did I use him, enough in that sentence?) And, I am concerned. But, I also feel that she just took a big dump on me. She & Grandwhore have made a complete mockery of me. Me. The woman who helps raise her children when she's off galavanting around not raising them.

Tonight was the Science Fair at the school. Ex called J to remind him to bring the Boy as her father was going to be there to see his project. Well, why couldn't she bring him? It's her dad. J said she had to work. Fine. I almost went, but by the saving grace of a box of Stouffer's mac & cheese that takes an hour to bake, I was saved. But, J did take the kids. All of them. Including mine. And guess what? She was there.

So, not only was I uncomfortable going when I thought it was just her dad going to be there, but I freaked when I found out she was there. And, my kids were there. Yes, I know I sound crazy, but I don't want them near her. I can't be near her. She is the one who should be ashamed of her behavior and yet, I feel like the walking idiot.

And to top it all off... J is about as unsupportive as a bra without underwire.

This all just sucks so bad that I am eating a bowl of ice cream & saying "FUCK YOU" to the world.

For once, I am defeated. And, I have the calories to prove it.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life


Simply hilarious. It's like Tucker Max for chics! (if you don't know who Tucker Max is google him NOW)

My book club (which consists of me & my hot friends) picked this book for our first ever meeting. While my friends were off partying it up in VA Beach (I mean, running a half marathon) I actually read the assignment. It's an easy, fun read & I even found myself reading parts to J - who in turn was laughing hysterically. It's a book about her collection of one night stands. Each chapter is a different one night stand & you honestly won't believe half the shit she gets herself into... she is my IDOL! I want to be HER! LOL!

How does one girl get a date with her Ecstasy toting Gyno & end up watching him have sex with another man? It's almost hard to believe some of the stuff she's done, but then I think about the stuff I've done & I believe that some crazy shit can happen to good people. Snort.

My blog is my place to creatively write. Some days are better than others. My goal is to take the funniest blogs & publish them into a novel. I have a few more years worth of writing until I can start on that project. I guess I better get myself into some trouble SOON so I have something to write about!

Today, I got nothing. I have gas pains, a zit the size of Texas, my Grandmother finds out her test results (cancer or not) & my hardwood floors look a mess!

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow.

Friday, March 19, 2010

So, I'm going to do it...

I'm going to let my children meet my father. This is a huge deal. My father has never played a role in my life. I have blogged about this before. As usual, I have writer's block so I'm revisiting old topics.

I am going to Houston in two weeks for the twins' Spring Break. My Grandmother isn't doing well & she's been at my Uncle's house since she left the hospital. Her health inspired me to take an impromptu trip home. And, since we're going to be there I emailed my father. It's about time he met his six year old grand daughters. When he didn't respond to my email I text messaged him & he assured me that he would not travel that week so that he could visit with us.

We'll see how it goes. He isn't known for his follow through.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

An ode to my besties...

I haven't blogged about them in a while. Hottie #1 & Hottie #2 are my besties. We are a threesome force to be reckoned with! Seriously.

Every girl needs a bestfriend (or two). These are the girls you can count on for ANYTHING. These are the girls who stand by your side through thick & thin. These are the girls who will tell you that the wedding dress hangs on you like a sack & does nothing for your amazing figure you've been working hard on for the past year. These are the girls you can make out with when you are drunk & it not be weird the next day. (they are both great kissers! LOL) These are the girls who don't care if you fart in front of them even when it smells. These are the girls you wake up to meet at 6am for a jog ON A WEEKEND. These are the same girls who jog slowly because they know your pace is far slower. These are the girls you trust with everything & expect nothing in return. These are the girls who will stand by your side when you get married this summer. These are the girls you can't live without & when you haven't seen each other in 2 weeks it really sucks.

Even though we are all so different, we complement each other. Hottie #1 is 39, been married a few times, two children, one teenage boy & preschool daughter. She is going through a divorce & just moved in with her boyfriend, Weiner. (who is J's best friend) She is hot! I mean, traffic stopping gorgeous. If you go anywhere with her you see men wiping their drool in to their napkins. Hell, women drool over her, too. She gets hit on more than anyone I've ever met! She is blond, thin, fake boobs & great ass. And even though she is barbie beautiful she is not stuck up. She has the most bubbly personality & she may be too sweet sometimes. ha! Hottie #2 is only 26, beautiful, no kids, no plans on having any, great career, well educated & can't keep a boyfriend for longer than a month. She is very, very picky & sometimes uses men for sex. Snort. She has long, dark hair, an amazing curvaceous body & loves her dog like most people love their children. She is the wild child in the group & going out with her is guaranteed to the night of your life!
I am now done being mushy.

We are having a much needed Girl's Night In at Hottie #2's house this evening. No kids, no men, no drama... just us, wholly guacamole & few bottles of wine.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Childhood obesity

And, I'm not just talking about the kids you see on Maury who are 2 & weigh 100lbs because sometimes I think those shows are fake. There is no way in hell a mother actually feeds her 2 year old a gallon of milk, 20 pancakes & a pound of bacon for breakfast. Is there?

I know a child who is 9, 5'1 & weighs 160lbs. That is more than I weigh. He has low self esteem, his parents don't get along, his father picks on him & calls him names & he is now failing 4th grade. Basically, his life sucks. And, I'm not sure being obese is his biggest problem...

We were out to dinner a few weeks ago with him & his family. He wanted to order off the adult menu & I tried to convince him to order off the child's menu, but he shook his head, crossed his arms & said, "NO!". His parents let him order off the adult menu & his plate was piled so high with Mexican yummyness. He ate the entire meal & left not even a morsel. He helped J finish his meal! By the time he was done, his stomach was obviously full & bloated, but he still managed to eat dessert. (and finish my dessert, too) Why his parents allow this, I don't know. I've tried to tread lightly on the subject, but it's family.

I have always watched what my children eat & monitor closely their exercise. They are not overweight, but they are big girls. And, obesity runs in both my side & their father's side that I know I will always have to monitor this... That's my job...

So, why is it this poor, overweight child isn't better taken care of? Sometimes you just have to stop buying the candy, chips & donuts. It is hard to say no to your child, but it's going to be alot harder to deal with all of the issues that come with being morbidly obese.

I just don't what I can do to help without seeming like a jerk. Becuase, I know I'm a dick sometimes, but I try to wear a halo around family. Paranoid look here.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

You know what happens when you assume, right?

I find it terribly frustrating that my former internet "friends" couldn't just email me to ask me for an explanation of yesterday's blog. Instead, some people flew off the handle at others & created a lot of drama that was absolutely hurtful to some.

So, with that being said, I am posting my response written on this blog to a member of a website that thought my blog was about them. Since you weren't capable of asking ME about this matter instead of assuming it was & decided to post about it on my blog, I will post right back to you so everyone can see. I have nothing to hide.

Thanks for bringing this drama to my blog. I have three more followers today then I had yeterday.

Dear Scarlet,

My blog is semi-fictitious (please don't tell my readers) & this entry is not based on one single internet site or gathering. I would probably not go around telling people this blog was about your site unless you want to ensue unnecessary drama.

I have been on my fair share of message boards & written similar vents on this exact same topic on this very blog! Feel free to search them out & again, those are not about any one site in particular.

I am sorry for any confusion,

Monday, March 15, 2010

Internet people can be dicks.

If you are reading my blog, chances are you are an "internet people". And, according to my title, you can be a dick. haha. I don't really mean YOU. I promise I wouldn't offend all 26 of my readers in such a fashion!

But, I had a guest over a few weeks ago that I met from the internet. We met for the first time a few years ago & have seen each other occasionally since. We aren't BFFs, but we get along really well. We respect each other mutually & she's been there for me through some tough internet times. She's a pretty groovy chick even though we are completely opposite in almost every, single way imaginable. /end mush

She happens to belong to a internet group where they are totally clique-ish. Think Mean Girls. Snort. If you aren't on the inside, you are on the outside. And, well, it sucks for the Janice Ians of the world no matter what they do they will never get their cool pass for the secret forums or inside jokes. Some could say, "It's just the internet, get over it!", however, it is usually more personal than you think. Sometimes internet people throw special gatherings & invite their cliques & special friends aka Army of Skanks. They might claim it is an open invite for all of their internet homies until an outsider or two shows up. The Army of Skanks waste no time swinging their balls around seeing who can be the biggest dick. I guess they figure if they keep being crapweasles that the outsiders will eventually stop attending these "open to all, family friendly, peace, love & crabs" events.

It annoys me. It annoys me to the point that I want brand these so-called "dicks" with a scarlet H, for hypocrite. So I say, take your Army of Skanks & fuck off.

That is all.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sunday, it's a wrap!

I'm over this day that I can't think of anything witty or fun to write about.

So, I'm not going to blog. I'm going to get my PJs on & get in my bed. I'm angry, annoyed, lonely & the only person I like right now is my dog.

The end.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I called for back up & all I got was this stupid Grandwhore.

Two weeks ago, the Boy & I were sitting down at my laptop hanging out like we normally do. We were on my facebook looking at something when he asked me why I didn't list him & Lavagirl as my "children" on my facebook page. I had only listed Thing 1 & Thing 2.

So, I listed them. And, I tagged the link to his page because he has his own facebook account. No big deal. I am his soon to be stepmom & he has been calling me his stepmom for over a year. I could spend all day justifying this, but we have our own special bond & I'm not even sure if "stepmom" does it any justice.


Life goes on as normal & a few weeks go by. Then I get an email from the EX.


I have received some messages from my family members about you listed as the Boy’s parent on his facebook and stating that he is your son. Could you please remove that? Thank you for your understanding.


I was stunned. Really? I am fuming now because I didn't state he was my "son", but, yes, it does say on his page that I am his parent. I guess she should friend her son on facebook instead of telling him she doesn't want to be his friend & perhaps he would tag her, too.


The Boy asked me to do it last week. There was no option for step child. I don't see the big deal as he wanted to be listed as one of my children and he is as far as I am concerned, step or whatever.

There are some things you are just going to have to get over.

I hope you understand that this is one of them. It is facebook, not real life. We all know you are his mother.



A little bitchy? Yes. But, I'm tired of taking it in the ass by her. If you've read my blog for any amount of time you can probably find some of her thrusting behaviors.


You aren’t married so technically you aren’t even his step-mother yet but I can see you won’t respect my request so I will handle it with the Boy.


You don't have to be legally married to be an extra parent to someone.

It amazes me how you are so juvenile when there really is no reason to act this way.

I know where I stand in your children's lives and changing a facebook status will not change that, legally married or what not. And, there doesn't have to be this tension surrounding it, but you continue to create it!


Ps - he has to remove it from his page for the tag to remove.


Seriously. Do I need a license to be a practicing step mom? I have done more for those children in two years then she's probably done in 12.

So, the Boy comes home & his mom calls him. Then his dad calls him. I wasn't present for either conversation, but we were in the kitchen when he said, "I don't know what to do about this facebook situation."

I told him that his mother was upset, but that I wasn't changing my facebook. If he needs to change his, I would help him. He told me his dad told him he didn't have to change it. And then he said...

"I want to leave it the way it is."

Then, I get this email from the EX'S MOTHER, WHO I HAVE NEVER MET.

To whom it may concern:

As parents (birth, adopted, step, real, make-believe, …etc) we have an obligation to teach our children morals and values. One of these is to respect other people – their opinions and feelings.

As adults, we also sometimes need to hold back and be a better person by not attacking others if/when we don’t agree with what they say or do. This is what differentiates adults from children, who don’t know better.

Also, as ‘parents’, we sometimes have to do things that may not be what our children want or ask us to do. I am one of the people who were taken back by seeing who was listed as the Boy’s mother. If this was a request by the Boy, then it may have to be one of those situations where the adult makes the decision not to comply.

My stupid daughter’s request was simply “Could you please remove?”. Based on reactions of her family members, she has feelings and was simply asking for you to respect them.

I am hurt by the response to her to “Get over it” ; for being “so Juvenile”; and for creating tension surrounding it.

J, as a parent, I would hope that you would only let into your children’s life, someone who is going to love and care for your children as they would their own. The person should respect the fact that their mother IS AND WILL BE their mother always and forever, AND she deserves more respect than is being given.

Thanks for your consideration and respect of my feelings,

Grandwhore's name here


Dear Grandwhore,

Who the fuck cares about your feelings?

I believe I am qualified enough to be listed as the Boy's parent on facebook. Since I've known him, I am the one who has helped him with his homework at night. I am the one he asks to play Rock Band. I am the one he confides in when his girlfriend breaks up with him. I am the one who helps him plot on how to win her back. I am the one he asks to accompany him on his 6th grade field trip. I am the one who climbs 3 stories & walks across a tight rope in a harness because his friends tell him he has a cool "stepmom" while on this said field trip. (Mind you, I am afraid of heights) I am the one he climbs next to in bed & tickles. I am the one who has had him sitting on my lap at the tender age of 12. I am the one he hugs when he comes home every day & I even get extra hugs when I haven't seen him a few days. I am the one he invites to eat lunch with his 6th grade friends. I am the one who eats lunch with him at school when he invites me. I am the one who stays up with him until midnight to finish a science fair project TWICE when his own mother refuses to help. I am the one who taught him how to fold laundry & unload a dishwasher. I am the one who has been mothering him since I met him because he wanted to be mothered.

And more importantly, I am the one he asked to list him as my child on facebook.

I hope to teach my children, biological & make-believe, that respect is something that is earned, and that we just don't respect people because of one of their title's in life. I have done anything & everything for your daughter when it comes to helping her with the children.

Oh & now I see where your daughter gets her juvenile behavior. It became very clear right after I opened this email from YOU.


That last email I only wrote for you guys. Snort.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Or lack of sex, baby.

J & I have been fighting about this for months now. He keeps telling me sex doesn't equal love. Duh.

Sex = sex. And, that's a perfectly good equation, to me.

I know this isn't the first time I've blogged about this. And, it probably won't be the last, unfortunately. J's sexual issues stem from a few things. On the top of his list of excuses why we can't make love are -

1) "I'm stressed out."

Normally, he uses this one as a last resort & quite often it'll be the first time I've heard about him being stressed out & it is almost always work related.

2) "I'm tired."

Well aren't we all? We both work full time (albeit, I work more inside the home than out) & we are raising four children. Of course we are BOTH tired. But, that is still not a great excuse. Sex can take as little as 10 minutes out of your day if necessary. Right?

3) "The more you complain about our lack of sex, the more I don't want to have sex."

This one is my favorite. It makes no sense. Of course I am going to complain. And, if he complained every day about how I didn't do the dishes, don't you think I'd get tired of hearing it & do the damn dishes?

Seriously, break out the wine & cheese & violins... it's a pity party of one. I'm tired of sex taking a back burner. This is what is wrong with so many relationships these days. If you constantly put each other's needs on the back burner then you may as well turn the burner off & let the fire burn out.

Sex doesn't equate love to me & I know J will tell me he shows me other ways that he loves me. And, he does. But, that's not enough.


The girl who just wants her man to want her.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I gained 4lbs in a week.

I don't know how. I mean, I don't always watch everything I eat, but I'm pretty good about food choices. I work out 4-5x a week. I am training for a half marathon.

I stepped on the scale & it put me 4lbs heavier than last week. I'm in panic attack mode, seriously.

So, this week my goal is to lose those 4lbs. If I can gain them in a week, I can lose them in a week, right?

Pray for me.


This could get ugly.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Have you seen Julie & Julia?

You know, that movie where that chick starts a blog about Julia Childs? She cooks every recipe out of her infamous cookbook & blogs about each creation.

Do you remember the part where she got her first comment that wasn't from her mother or husband?


I feel like her right now.

I have readers who aren't related to me or known me personally for years. It's fantastic. And, it isn't that I don't heart my friends & family, because you know I do, it's just kinda cool to know my word vomit is being read by others.

So, thank you new readers! You have made my Saturday afternoon! (which was otherwise uneventful with a house to clean, a shower to take & a sleeping dog & fiance by my side.

I may even get back in to blogging more, because my life is still full of crazy drama. I just feel bad when J has to read my feelings on my blog.

Double snort.

Monday, March 1, 2010

This message brought to you by restraints.

My black hole got deeper today. Can anyone help me from falling in?


Oh & please send me a maid so I can enjoy something other than domestic bliss.

That is all.