Ahem.

Now that I have your attention, listen.

Listen very, very closely.

Do you hear me?

I HAVE GONE OFFICIALLY MAD!!!!

Snort.

No, really, I haven't driven off the deep end of reality, but I did do something I never thought I'd ever do in five million years....

Do you want to know what it is???

I will tell you...

if you listen.

So, last night J & I went out to a club in DC. It's our new favorite spot. And, every Saturday night there is a theme. Last week it was St Patrick's Day night & I wore a Catholic school girl outfit. This week it was Spring Fever & bathing suits were optional. Now, I left the house is jeans & a really cute backless shirt. I stuffed my teeny bikini in my purse thinking MAYBE I would wear it, but probably not. Well, a few drinks in to the night & a request from a new friend, I changed in the ladies room & put on my teeny bikini.

I wore a bikini in public. And, even though I have worn it to the beach to get a tan, I wore a mom suit to the public indoor pool earlier in the day. Because, well, wearing a teeny bikini while playing with your children in the indoor pool where there is absolutely NO SUN seems ridiculous to me. And, considering who I seem to run in to at the indoor pool, I am glad I didn't try to pull that off... It was sufficiently strange enough without having to worry about things popping out. Snort.

But, yeah, I put on the teeny bikini, coupled it with my killer heels & strutted around the club with a small onset of lookers...

Who am I? Who have I become? What has come over me?

You know what? After YEARS of struggling with my body image, I am finally comfortable with what I have. I instruct aerobics for fuck's sake (yeah, we aren't all stick figures, I swear) & I did get quite a few compliments last night in my teeny bikini. Hell, I've birthed twins & I am PROUD to be able to wear a bikini in public PROUDLY. Did I mention the word of the day is PROUD?

Please do not confuse this with me thinking I still can't stand to lose a few or tone up a bit, because let's face it, that's always an option. But, it feels good to just let go of your inhibitions & DO THE DAMN THING!
Until next time...

Mooo fucking moo

Mooooooooooooooo...........

I try really hard to not pass judgement on people. But, now I'm passing judgement on those who pass judgement on others. It's a little bit of an oxymoron, but well, this is my blog & I can say whatever I want. Hmph.

The pasture is green over here on my side of the fence & I would like to keep it that way. I hate to get all fired up over people who don't really matter to me, but what can I say? I'm a human, not a cow. And, when a person matters to someone that matters to me, I would rather stay on my pasture, but sometimes I need to walk right over to the other side of the fence & say "HEY, YOU SUCK!"

So, go mooooooooo somewhere else. Don't be such an all-knowing bitch. Don't bend the truth to suit your needs. And stop dishing out advice that you don't even take yourself. Because, you're nothing but a judgemental cow.

Put that in your milk & drink it.

Mooo.

I do have it all & I am happy. Oh yeah!

There. I said it. My life IS actually like a fairy tale. Now, I'm not saying it's a Disney fairy tale, but it's more like a Grimm Brothers. (Hansel & Gretel, anyone) But, still... I ALWAYS get my happy ending. Snort.

I just spent three days with an amazing person. Momjeans & I have had an almost seven year friendship with plenty of UPS & quite a few DOWNS. When we get together over some drinks not only do we talk about our future (commune in a camper, anyone?), but we also re-live some of our past. Yesterday, part of our past just kinda snuck up on us & hilarity ensued.

I've blogged about my past troubles with Internet message boards. Yes, it's no surprise that I don't always play well with others on boards claiming to be supportive. But, ya know, I seem to do okay with legitimately supportive boards?!?! About six years ago I had a huge falling out with a ton of members from a twin message board (www.twinshock.net for those who are nosy). Free publicity from my 70 followers :) Anyways, I don't really remember much about the fight except it started with Momjeans accidentally posting as her name under my account while staying at my house & ended up with my being banned for forgetting to log out of my account - leaving the entire site in danger because Momjeans had access to private forums! Oooh. How dumb of me?!!! However, during the time I was supposed to be banned, some idiot admin on the site accidentally gave me permission to each & every private forum on the site. Coincidence, much? I ended up reading a ton of their stupid shit stabbing at this supposedly "support" forum & copying & pasting it for all to read. I really did earn my new nickname, Cum Dumpster, for sure! However, I was really upset about losing what I thought were all of my friends & back then it was the end of the world. (back of my hand pressed drastically against my forehead & a big, dramatic sigh goes here) Needless to say, my life absolutely did go on & I hadn't really thought about that really lame incident in quite some time!

So, yesterday, Momjeans attended a Zumba class with me. I was instructing & she put on her Zigs & braved the whole scene with me to show her support towards my new career path! That was pretty freaking awesome of her. Hearts! She posted on her facebook that she was going to class to show her support & while she received a lot of "likes" & well wishes, someone obviously wasn't feeling the love & that was a person from about six years ago who probably dubbed me Cum Dumpster. (that's still my favorite term of endearment EVAH!) Instead of posting to Momjean's facebook, the girl posted on her own facebook wall something like this - Please tell Lola that I still think she is a twatface cunt. Don't quote me on that, but it went something like that.... the lovely words twat & cunt were there somewhere. I don't suppose she has learned in the past six years how to insult anyone without using parts of the female anatomy.

I laughed when Momjeans asked me if there was something I had done recently to this said person that would inspire her to openly express her unrequited adoration for me on her facebook page. Seriously, after six years wouldn't it be appropriate to let go of the hatred towards someone you had never even met in real life & know absolutely nothing about?! The drama six year prior is certainly at this point laughable, but the obvious hatred towards me as a person many years is a bit cuckoo!!! Now, I'm not sure, but this may be even funnier than the fact that I am banned from www.twinstuff.com until the year 2014. Double snort.

Ahhh, the good ol' days when all I had was infant twins & front row seats to all of the most entertaining Internet drama that a sleep deprived twin mom could ask! OMG, did I put my commas in the correct place?!?!?!?!

Anyways, it is fabulous that I could snap my fingers & come up with something entertaining to write about in my lately otherwise BORING blog.

It's been a while................

It really has been a while. A long while. And, I finally have 70 followers instead of 69. That's exciting, especially since I haven't even written anything other than notes to the kid's teachers in ages.

Life is changing. But, it's all really good stuff. I am now a certified Zumba instructor & I am opening my OWN dance fitness studio. (well, I do have a business partner) Lola Starr, business owner, fitness instructor, girl on fire! Who am I these days???????

I enjoy being a stay at home mother, but it's never been the only hat I wanted to wear. I am so over being a real estate agent it isn't even funny. And, I think I found something I am not only really good at doing, but that I enjoy tremendously. So, if anyone is looking for a party workout, let me know. I hope to have the studio up & running by end of Spring.

My relationship is going well. We had some really great weeks & some really off weeks, but things are coming together. I did manage to kick a hole in my bathroom wall the size of Texas, but angry Lola has passed. I hope.

My girls are turning seven this week & the ex & I are doing a joint party. That's a big step for us & I'm glad that we continue to be really good friends. It does make things in a divorced situation that much easier. I wish I could say the same for J's ex, but after the past horrible events I blogged about with her, things seem to be on an even keel for now. She's in a serious relationship & when she isn't taking exotic trips all over the world without so much as telling her children she is out of town, she is actually being NICE, again. So, that's a good thing. I try not to dwell on it much because I don't really care about it that much.... or do I?

JM & I had a very interesting Friday night. We were in DC, met a really nice couple from Reston, but encountered some really weird shit along the way. I don't think it's something I want to blog about, but maybe one day.

The drama with my own family is still presenting itself. Now, there is just more shit to add to the fan. I can't really blog about that either since I know a lot of information I am not yet supposed to know. We'll talk about that next time.

And, since I'm skating around things I don't want to blog about, I will tell you all something I do want to blog about...

My sister is about to kill her plumber. She just informed me.

Carry on & have a great week!

So, yeah.

I'm in a blah place in life. All of my friends have noticed. I've not returned phone calls, been on dates & hell, I have a problem returning emails.

But, I'm getting better.

I've been feeling stuck in a rut for quite some time. It's a combination of many, many things. But, mostly with the death of my Grandmother. Yesterday was her 80th birthday & she wasn't here to celebrate.

I have been trying to get J off the couch for hours to go get me a freaking bagel. Why is he home? He has been ignoring me all day long.

Snort.

With the help of my sister's creative mind I contemplating a business venture. I know, most businesses end if failure. Just ask J how his is doing. JUST KIDDING! We still have a roof over our head & food in our bellies. Anyways, it's no surprise I inherited a small fortune. I just want to put the small fortune to good use. Mix that with my love of exercise (zumba specifically) & you get the idea.

No more talking. I have a bagel to fetch.

Song of the week.

Bless your heart.

I peed on myself.

That's right. I did. It was hilarious.

Picture this if you will. Lola is running late on her way to Fairfax to a gym where she doesn't belong or had never been. Her bestie, Hottie #2 is teacher a step class & Lola wants to join her for step & dinner aftewards. She is driving frantically because, well, she is late. That's nothing new. Lola has horrible night vision & now that it gets dark before 6pm, she should be banned from going anywhere, but by the forces of nature, she is not.

I am lost. The address will not pull up on my GPS. (I know, I went from 3rd person to 1st person. It's ok. It's mah blawg) So, I decide to turn around thinking I had driven past this so-called gym that exists. I hit a curb. I blow out my tire. I even ruin my rim. I'm in the middle of nowhere Fairfax. I park the car in a neighborhood & I am surrounded by nothing.

I have to pee. I walk up the street & notice a gas station a few blocks away. It is pitch black. I am in the middle of nowhere & this gas station is the only end in sight for me. I take the trail. I hear a noise in the bushes. And, then I SEE the bushes move. I go back to my car. Epic fail.

I could pee in the woods, but I see a few joggers out & the thrill of being caught with my pants down does not appeal to me. I could knock on the door to some random townhouse hoping some nice neighbor will take pity on me on this horribly cold evening & let me use their bathroom. Yeah, no.

So, I have an idea. I have a cup in the car & I'm gonna pee in it! J is 1/2 an hour away & I just don't want to hold it for that long. I lock the doors, jump in the backseat & pull my pants down. I can't see what I am doing. Did I mention it was PITCH FUCKING BLACK? I turn on the light in the backseat & squat. I miss the cup. Pee is running down my leg, on to my leather seat & I stop peeing. I readjust myself over the cup & let it flow. The cup fills. I am not done with the peeing process. I stop, open the car door & let the pee out. Pee, you are free!

Okay, take twenty. I continue to pee & this time I overfill the cup & pee gets everywhere, again. Fuck. I am trying to clean up pee, hold a cup full of pee without spilling any more of it & my ass is hanging out. All of a sudden, a jogger runs by & I am caught, well, with my pants down & my big, white ass pressed against my backseat window. Oh yeah, the light is still ON!

Hmmm. I am now in a bit of a jam. Flat tire in dark neighborhood at 8pm, not a problem. Fuck, I'm not in a jam, I have a situation. I let the jogger go by wishing he didn't see what I think he saw. And if he saw what I think he saw I hope he doesn't have nightmares about my big, white ass for the rest of his life. I open the car door, dump the pee & put the cup in a plastic bag. I grab my sweat towel that I won't be needing since I will never make step class. I clean up the seat, the console, my ass, my legs, my crotch & I finally pull my pants back up.

I'm wet. It's cold. And, to make matters worse I had only emptied HALF of my bladder. Fuck it, I'm waiting.

What seemed like the longest wait ever, J arrives. He is in the backseat trying to find the jack to my car when he puts his hand in something wet. He wipes his hand dry on his jeans & says, "What the hell is all over the seat?"

Double snort.