Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Leaving on a jet plane, again.

Texas calls & I answer. I'm packing my bag, again, and heading down to the great state that I call home. Boy, this traveling is getting expensive!

One thing you have to understand is that my family is very close. We have been through a lot through the years. I had a cousin die at 16 in a car accident. Allison & I were very close. I was only 15 when she passed away & I remember my mother waking me up very early one morning to tell me Allie had been killed. It was a nightmare for me at 15. But, with the strength of our family, we all made it through that tragedy.

Five years later my mother passed away. She had gone through a liver transplant that was successful! Right before she was scheduled to leave the hospital they performed a routine needle biopsy & punctured the main artery in her liver causing her to hemorrhage. She died on the operating room table as they tried to stop the bleeding & there were able to revive her, but she was ultimately brain dead. We left her on the machines for 13 long days praying to God for a miracle. He didn't grant us one. I was 22 years old when I had to sign the paper to take her off of life support. My sister was 19. We were "orphans". But, we made it through that horrible experience with the help of my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles & cousins.

Three years ago we lost the most wonderful man to a stroke. Papa had been a cancer survivor & was battling Alzheimer's at the time when he had a stroke. He fell out of bed one night & the next few days were brutal. At this time I lived up here in Virginia so I could not be with them. I remember asking when I should come & I didn't end up going until after he passed away. I still kick myself for not going with my gut & getting on that plane right when I got the call that he was in the hospital.

My Grandparents had been married for 53 years & Papa's death took a huge toll on Nana. But, she survived with the help of her 3 living children & grandchildren.

Last September, I was sitting in the elementary school cafeteria when I got the call that my Aunt Karen has died in her sleep the night before. I was heartbroken. She was an amazing person & I admired her greatly. My mother used to tell me that I was a lot like my Aunt Karen & I took great pride in knowing that that meant my Mom thought I was just as amazing as she had been. I left immediately for home to be with my seemingly shrinking family.

Now, my Nana is fighting for her life. Or, not fighting. I know she's ready to move on to the next chapter, but selfishly, I am not ready to lose her. It's tough living 1300 miles away from your family because I know they need me. The ones that can take turns sitting with her at the hospital, but the ones that can are very few. We all have our own lives. We have families, jobs, commitments, etc.

So. I'm rambling. The point is, once again I am faced with do I hop on the plane & go down there or do I wait? Is Nana going to gain some strength & her memory back to have a "better" visit? Everyone in my family tells me something different. Don't come now because she may be better next week. Come now because next time you come she may not know who you are. It's confusing. And, I know the choice is mine.

My family will survive the five days I am gone. Yes, it'll be hard on them, but I know when I am needed. And, that time is now.


Casey said...

Go with your instinct, it'll never let you down. I love you and am thinking of you, your nana, and your family. <3

If you need to talk, I am just a phone call away.

soulsearch said...

Go.. you'll never regret going. But you may regret not going.

LadyHawk said...

I hope your on your way. Sending you lots of strength.

Jennifer Kay said...

We have a skanky bitchface ho-bag too...it never gets any better, not even ten years later.