Monday, June 29, 2009

After pouring my heart out to my blog last night...

I was laying in bed & J was already asleep when I was writing last night. I finished writing & sat there thinking to myself, "My life is so fucked up!"

J woke up at the perfect time. He sat up & listened to me go on about all of the bad things going on in my life right now. And he was tired! And his solution?

Focus on the good. Focus on the good. Stop dwelling on the bad.

Maybe I'll try that.

"Stop pressuring me
Just stop pressuring me
Stop fuckin' with me
Make me wanna scream"

Sunday, June 28, 2009

It's been awhile.

I have a ton of things to update.

1. My boss isn't letting my quit my job. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I did take two weeks off & I still have another week at home with the kids.

2. My 32nd birthday was yesterday. John took me to Texas to celebrate. My sister left me at an Astros game because she was upset our seats weren't next to each other. I came to Texas for my birthday SPECIFICALLY to see the Astros game. Twenty minutes into the game my sister wanted to leave. She couldn't sit down & have fun for 2 1/2 hours on my birthday. There were open seats all near us & I invited her to our section about 3 or 4 times. John even waited at the top of our section for 30 minutes to give her her keys so she could leave & she never came. Needless to say, throughout all the drama via text messages I didn't get to watch ANY of the game. I'm disappointed & not really sure where to go from here. After the game we did go out with my cousin, Texas Kate & her boyfriend & we had a blast. So, at least my night wasn't completely ruined.

3. Aside from my sister's behavior pre-birthday, my actual birthday was great. I swam at my Aunt's house during the day & my cousin, Cannon Rebel, had a little party for me at her house that evening. I love my cousins. They are pretty freaking awesome! Even Leo the 3rd... who I adore even if he annoys the rest of the family. At 16 he constantly finds himself at the wrong place at the wrong time thus landing him in a world of shit. Well, the solution? I think he's going to come stay with us for a few weeks & work for John.

4. John & I met a year ago today.

5. Last week I got an email from John's email account that was very troubling. password: marie5303

I'm so sorry for doing this to you and mostly for the kids but john is a liar and always will be.

--- On Thu, 2/19/09, Lola wrote:

From: Lola
Subject: Re: Fw: hi back..... wow look at the date on this!!
Date: Thursday, February 19, 2009, 4:02 PM

Just think, our 1 year anniversary will be here before we know it!

Love you

--- On Thu, 2/19/09, J'Michael wrote:

From: J'Michael
Subject: Fw: hi back..... wow look at the date on this!!
Date: Thursday, February 19, 2009, 1:31 PM

Just going through all of our old emails as I am bored. Look at the date, the 7th of July, like a week after meeting you and we are talking like we have known each other for years> I love you, Mrs. Beatty Jr.

--- On Mon, 7/7/08, Lola Starr wrote:

From: Lola Starr
Subject: hi back
Date: Monday, July 7, 2008, 10:55 AM

My personal email is I do have YIM, but I haven't used it in ever!

No to lunch today. I'm about to go to my credit union & then run to Fairfax to drop off a lock box & then I have a team meeting over lunch today. We never really plan anything in advance. haha!


I get that this probably makes no sense copy & pasted from my email. J claims someone broke in to his email & he hasn't used that one in months. Which, is true - he hasn't. However, what could he be lying about? He was in Charleston, SC the night I got this & I called him about it. I was so upset I was shaking. He swears he is hiding nothing & he isn't cheating. (honestly, when would he have time to have another girlfriend??) It's just weird. I've never had any of this type of drama & J blew this off after being upset about it that first night. He has no clue who would hate him so much, but he is convinced someone is trying to ruin his life. Drama Queen, much? The odd thing about this email is that the person wrote that J was a liar & then copy & pasted a few emails that we had exchanged over the past year. They timed it perfectly for our one year anniversary.

Anyways, he may have forgotten about this, but I have not. I traced the ip back to Springfield, VA which could be ANYONE. He doesn't think it's his ex-wife or his ex-girlfriend with Aunt Helen hands. He says one girl did this to him before when he was with Aunt Helen hands about 2 years ago. Would this same girl really hack in to his personal email & try to ruin his life? I don't know.


But just so you know the password to that email is not correct so I couldn't get in to it & read anything. And, I'm grateful for that.

6. J's Granddad was hit by a car a week ago walking across a parking lot. He almost died. And J flew to Charleston to see him. Thankfully, the latest update is that he's doing better, but with 9 broken ribs, broken collar bone, bruised heart & brain bleed - he'll be out of commission for quite some time. Remind me to send a card.

7. J & I only fought one time in Texas & that was the day we left. In the DFW airport waiting for our connection flight I told him he ruined my birthday. He told me I ruined his life. Well, my sister ended up ruining my birthday & maybe I have ruined J's life. Who knows?

8. I am certain that Katy, TX is the hottest mutha-fuckin' place on Earth. We swam outside in a pool that felt like swimming in a hot bath. So glad to be home where it's only 90 & low humidity.

9. I'm really upset I didn't get to see my brother. And, I hate my dad for being a dick. I told J that when I was younger I used to wish that it was my dad who would have died instead of my mom. I know, that's shitty, but I am afraid I still feel that way. And, that scares me.

10. Omar's Mexican restaurant has not changed. It is still AMAZING & between that, Sonic, Jack in the Box & all the other crap I ate I have gained about 4lbs. Oh well, I'll work out this week.

11. I saw a dear friend last week that I have lost touched with over the last few months. I have missed her & her gentle soul & was glad that I made the trip out to L'burg to visit with her. I hope when she reads this she will know that I am sorry for not keeping in touch & I know that she understands. However, I promise to try harder!

12. I started traveling at 3:30am this morning. When I got home I took a 5 hour nap & have yet to unpack. Tomorrow will be busy & tonight I can't sleep.

13. Rest in peace, Michael Jackson. He was a musical genius & his music brings back great childhood memories for me.

That's all for now. Hopefully this week will be drama free. We're leaving for the lake on Thursday for a weekend with our children & I'm so grateful for that.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The first step in turning this ship around.

I quit my job today. I have had enough of being somebody's bitch.

I learned a valuable lesson today. Sometimes you give & you do & you think that in the end you'll get something in return. And, sadly, you find out that you never will.

I've learned this lesson half a dozen times in my life, but this one was significantly different. On my way to the office this morning I was on the phone with J. We were pouring our hearts out to each other. His Grandfather was hit by a truck yesterday & not doing well. He's stressed. I'm stressed. We were attempting to work through an issue. Hurricane D called me twice while I was on the phone. I finally called her back.

She immediately went off on me. I calmly told her (through my tears) that today was not a good day for the attitude because of the situation. She didn't bother to ask if J's Grandfather was okay before she asked me to jump again. And, as usual, I asked, "how high?"

Well, the hours go by & I'm already worn out. I knew I couldn't take her today. I asked her to let me be. I have two listings I'm trying to get on the market. I've not been paid in months. I'm busting my ASS & juggling a 6 person household. It's fucking tough.

She called. She got mad. She told me she was disappointed in what I had done (after giving me random stuff to do & saying I wasn't that busy). She hung up on me.

I cried. A lot.

I wrote her an email telling her I would see my two listings through FROM HOME THIS SUMMER & phase myself out.

Step one to self happiness.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do or where I'm going to work or even if I am, but I know that I have a good man standing beside me through this & really, that's what counts.

How many of you are surprised by this?


That's the new banner on my cell phone.

I need therapy, an intervention, a drink & a shoulder to cry on.

This emo shit is for the birds.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Good day, sunshine.

In two weeks I am Houston bound! Yep, that's right.

Every year I see the Astros play even though I'm in DC. This year we missed the Astros game due to the weather & they aren't coming back to this area again this season.


He's taking me to Texas for my birthday to see my boys!

I am so freaking excited!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

SOTD x 2

"Wh-wh-why won’t the world revolve around me?"

"I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
and loosing all control"

Monday, June 8, 2009


I'm stuck at a crossroad. If I stay on my current path I am not sure how much longer I can go on until I crack. If I take the new path I'm back to where I started only instead of starting in square 1, I'm starting in square -34.


Double sigh.

I wish I could go through life with a broken heart immunity. Wouldn't that be nice?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Lola's thought for the day.

Make time for those important to you. "I'm busy" is never a good excuse.

Carry on.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Great news!

Lab results came back normal.

Oh thank goodness...

Not sure what this means except I won't need a lifetime supply of steroids. My follow up is next week so I'll let you know!

A hole lotta love

I'm sitting here enjoying my quiet office all to myself eating my yummy pasta lunch when all of a sudden I feel something.

Say it ain't so.


I have a huge hole in my favorite Lucky jeans & my hot pink panties are showing.

Looks like I'll be leaving soon.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Suddenly, it's not funny anymore.

I woke up with a very swollen & inflamed ankle. I called the doctor. I've now had blood tests done for autoimmune disorders - specifically Lupus & Rheumatoid Arthritis. And Lyme. (2nd time being tested for that)

I'm not laughing. I'm a little scared, honestly.

I'll have my test results on Friday, I hope.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Knee bangs, knee bangs

Four days after my accident my knees both are swollen & killing me. It hurts to bend my knees. I am walking funny. I feel like I've run 89 miles on uneven pavement in 4 year old running shoes.