Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Outer Banks

I am so off on blogging, but it's all because of my wedding. And, that's over. I realize I need to blog about that, too, but first things first.

I just returned from a one week stay in Nagshead, NC. J & I & our adorable (I mean annoying) kids....

Plus -

His oldest sister, her estranged husband, their two nieces from NY & their son.
His younger brother, his wife & their baby that I want to steal.
His younger sister, her husband & their two babies - one toddler & one infant.
His youngest brother & his girlfriend.
And his mom. And her husband.

Oh. the. drama.

I'll start from the bottom & work my way up.

Mom is crazy, lazy & spacey. Her husband is supportive of this type of behavior. The Grandmother complained about her grandkids, having to watch any of them & I felt incredibly guilty about having asked her to watch Thing 1 & Thing 2 for 25 whole minutes so I could take a quick run. (J & his kids came 2 days after me) She looked right at me & said, "It's not you!" Take another percocet, Granny, and give me one, too. Snort.

Fireman & Lawyer are single with no kids. Fireman is a hot specimen of brother & Lawyer is great until she starts complaining about all the kids. Again, with the kids. Everyone knew who was coming ahead of time. I don't want to hear it about the annoying kids. Half of them are mine, bitch. They got in to a huge, pour your drink in your face, type fight one night during a routine game of Asshole. It didn't end so well. J & favorite Brother chased Fireman in the dark towards the beach following wet footprints as he stumbled around town drunk. Gertrude & I tried to calm her down by tell her all of our horror stories with our men. I mean they are all brothers & pretty much all have the asshole gene. We tried teaching her that sometimes you just have to deal with it instead of resorting to wasting good alcohol! I'm still wondering if they are headed towards splitsville.

The parents with two under two... Ariel parents the two year old by saying "NO". There is nothing worse than telling your child no all the time. He's a boy, he's 2 & he really is cute. Give him a chance to do something, will ya? Then maybe you won't be so stressed out. Her husband just looks at her & says things like, "Number 2(the baby) needs you & since I can't make her happy will you stop whatever it is you could be possibly doing & take care of her. Oh & fix me another drink will ya?" Sigh. Sometimes having a douchebag husband who doesn't help out sucks.

Favorite Brother, his wife, Gertrude & their baby are well, my favorites. Aside from having the burden of a 9 month old, they are still fun & with it. They are not assholes, but they did get on each other's nerves. Especially when he lost the car keys & she blamed him for losing them because he drinks too much. It was all fun & games until Big Sis found the keys in baby's diaper bag where Gertrude had left them. This was long after we stopped digging through the garbage bags to look for them. Ooops. Conclusion: Thank goodness the keys were no where to be found so no one could drink & drive!

Big Sister with all of her issues. She actually rode down with me & the twins because she hates her husband. She's in love with another man who happens to be in rehab. Of course, it's not his fault. Nor hers. But, dammit, divorce the husband & stop bringing him on "family" vacations where he feels like a dumbass for even being there. They slept in separate rooms & she spent her entire days & nights with her Droid on her ear talking to the guy she tells everyone else she is just friends with. Dude, I heard you in the car on the phone with him for 10 plus hours. You love him. Or something. And, since I have all of this affair & being in love with someone else bullshit under my belt already, I was a good source of companionship & wisdom. She now has the name of my divorce attorney & I hope it works out for her. She deserves happiness.

All in all, it was a great time. The Boy learned to skim board & subsequently, I learned to do it as well. It is NOT easy. I also body surfed in 8 foot waves which I had never done. (hurricane activity in the Atlantic...) I am still unpacking & recovering & school starts next week. I also rocked a bikini for the first time in 20 years. What? What? I'm tan in places I haven't been in a long time & it feels good to show off the body you never had, even after having twins. Oh & in our game of Asshole, somehow I got the nickname Big Sloppy Pussy or bsp for short. Snort.

I'm back & I'm ready to blog. Amen.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Yes, I am still alive. Fuck you very much.

The wedding is in one week.
The wedding is in one week.

I have never had a wedding. I am very, very excited. It's been a busy summer. The kids are driving me nuts, Thing 1 & Thing 2 are still fighting, Lavagirl is still whiney & the Boy is still needy. And, I've had TK (my 17 year old cousin from TX) living with me for the summer. So, our full house is fuller.

Right now I am writing my wedding ceremony. My cousin is singing a romantic version of Heaven by Bryan Adams as I walk down the aisle. (or deck, as we're getting hitched pool side) Almost my entire family is coming! With the exception of my Uncle...

My sister will be here in two days with my nephew!

The rest of the family will file in starting Thursday.

I am fucking elated, but somewhat nervous about getting married in front of 80 people.

My daughters are walking me down the deck/aisle. Hearts. Hearts. Hearts.

It's a 10,000 dollar wedding of my step mother in law's dreams, but fuck it. It's going to be OSUM. (that's how Thing 2 spells awesome)

My Bachelorette party is Thursday night. Watch out! We are going to ride a mechanical bull & ride in a fancy, schmancy limo.

I gotta get back to my ceremony.