Friday, November 5, 2010

I peed on myself.

That's right. I did. It was hilarious.

Picture this if you will. Lola is running late on her way to Fairfax to a gym where she doesn't belong or had never been. Her bestie, Hottie #2 is teacher a step class & Lola wants to join her for step & dinner aftewards. She is driving frantically because, well, she is late. That's nothing new. Lola has horrible night vision & now that it gets dark before 6pm, she should be banned from going anywhere, but by the forces of nature, she is not.

I am lost. The address will not pull up on my GPS. (I know, I went from 3rd person to 1st person. It's ok. It's mah blawg) So, I decide to turn around thinking I had driven past this so-called gym that exists. I hit a curb. I blow out my tire. I even ruin my rim. I'm in the middle of nowhere Fairfax. I park the car in a neighborhood & I am surrounded by nothing.

I have to pee. I walk up the street & notice a gas station a few blocks away. It is pitch black. I am in the middle of nowhere & this gas station is the only end in sight for me. I take the trail. I hear a noise in the bushes. And, then I SEE the bushes move. I go back to my car. Epic fail.

I could pee in the woods, but I see a few joggers out & the thrill of being caught with my pants down does not appeal to me. I could knock on the door to some random townhouse hoping some nice neighbor will take pity on me on this horribly cold evening & let me use their bathroom. Yeah, no.

So, I have an idea. I have a cup in the car & I'm gonna pee in it! J is 1/2 an hour away & I just don't want to hold it for that long. I lock the doors, jump in the backseat & pull my pants down. I can't see what I am doing. Did I mention it was PITCH FUCKING BLACK? I turn on the light in the backseat & squat. I miss the cup. Pee is running down my leg, on to my leather seat & I stop peeing. I readjust myself over the cup & let it flow. The cup fills. I am not done with the peeing process. I stop, open the car door & let the pee out. Pee, you are free!

Okay, take twenty. I continue to pee & this time I overfill the cup & pee gets everywhere, again. Fuck. I am trying to clean up pee, hold a cup full of pee without spilling any more of it & my ass is hanging out. All of a sudden, a jogger runs by & I am caught, well, with my pants down & my big, white ass pressed against my backseat window. Oh yeah, the light is still ON!

Hmmm. I am now in a bit of a jam. Flat tire in dark neighborhood at 8pm, not a problem. Fuck, I'm not in a jam, I have a situation. I let the jogger go by wishing he didn't see what I think he saw. And if he saw what I think he saw I hope he doesn't have nightmares about my big, white ass for the rest of his life. I open the car door, dump the pee & put the cup in a plastic bag. I grab my sweat towel that I won't be needing since I will never make step class. I clean up the seat, the console, my ass, my legs, my crotch & I finally pull my pants back up.

I'm wet. It's cold. And, to make matters worse I had only emptied HALF of my bladder. Fuck it, I'm waiting.

What seemed like the longest wait ever, J arrives. He is in the backseat trying to find the jack to my car when he puts his hand in something wet. He wipes his hand dry on his jeans & says, "What the hell is all over the seat?"

Double snort.

1 comment:

Rusty Wood said...

Love the sincerity in your posts. You lay yourself bare, nothing the slightest bit pompous. Very fluid, very readable.