Well, it's official

I'm moving.

Again.

I have a sub-leaser, a storage unit & movers. I've only asked J 10 times if he 100% sure this is what he wants. He knows that once I release the condo that he's stuck with me. He's stuck with US. Insert paranoid face here.

I will no longer say, "I'll just go home" or make any more annoying references to the fact that I have my own place. Because let's face it - that bothers the shit out of him. Snort.

So, now I really am going to redesign his place to suit my needs. Our needs.

Wish me luck.

A series of fortunate events

1. I asked the ex to talk to the girls about him, me & J. Some issues were coming up & he needed to sit down with them. The end result was that they were in great moods when I picked them up & that continued through the night. I think they received what they needed to from him & I'm grateful.

2. I went to happy hour with some girlfriends. I haven't gone out with my friends in a long time. There is never enough time, energy or babysitters for me in this life. Well, J made it all happen & I am very grateful that it was almost as important to HIM that I go enjoy some time alone as it was to me.

3. The Phillies won the World Series. Now, I'm an Astros fan, but Brad Lidge did play for the 'Stros. What can I say? I'm loyal.

4. I fell in love last night all over again. Seriously, a girl could get used to this.

5. Tomorrow is Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year!

6. I won the lottery.

Just kidding on that last one. Just checking to see if you were payin' attention.

My Maria

It's that time of year.

This song means a lot to me. One day I'll explain.

Our louse-y experience

Yesterday I got the call from J.

The dreaded call.

"Lavagirl has lice."

Really? My sweet little Lavagirl? Well, okay, she had a note sent home 2 weeks ago from school about a kid in her class who has lice, but it's not like she shares hats with everybody.

BUT, she does share hats, brushes, pillows & Disney princess costumes with Thing 1 & Thing 2 so I immediately knew that they probably had it, too. And if the twins had it then naturally so does the Boy. And not to mention Mom Jeans & her twins who were visiting over the weekend PLUS the Boy's best friend who practically lives with us on the weekends.

I know what you are thinking.

FUCK.

Yes, those were my exact words. And then I maybe wanted to cry a little bit as my own head started to itch profusely.

Scratch. Scratch.

I had to call my ex & tell him that the girls probably had lice. He got pissed. Well, fuck it. The girls could have gotten lice anywhere. It's a fact of elementary school life. Then I had to call MJ. She wasn't really pissed which surprised me. Insert paranoid face here. She did have her girls checked at daycare & they were fine. Whew.

So, I call the pediatrician for treatment advice on my four kids. The list was extensive. I do what every good mom, step mom & girlfriend would do. I typed out the instructions & emailed them to J's ex-wife. This way when her babies come home tonight she will know to wash their bedding every night with hot water until our subsequent treatment next Monday. The end result is that once this is all done I'm taking her out for a drink & J gets kid duty. Snicker.

After the dinner dishes were done we had all the children at the dining room table for shampooing & nit picking. Blech. I may have gagged a little. After round one of shampooing & rinsing we went on to round two. Then after everyone was rinsed, shampooed, bathed, blow dried, changed, beds made & had a round of good night kisses I was absolutely, fucking positively exhausted.

It was only 9pm.

And then J & I did what every hot, sexy couple should experience together.

We combed lice shampoo through each other's hair.

Don't worry baby...

Saturday evening J & I attended a gala for Inova. (the healthcare system in Northern Virginia) I just want you to know that I spent the entire day stressed about attending. However, this was NOTHING like the wedding drama from a few months ago. J actually wanted me there with him. Snort.

Honestly, I'd never been to a gala before & I am pretty sure that I'd go back if invited. They have wine. Lots & lots of wine. An unlimited supply of it in fact. They also had a really nifty silent auction where I won ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. But hey, I did bid on the facial plastic surgery package. Fuck, who doesn't need a little microdermabrasion? I smiled & shook a lot of hands. I ate a positively delicious dinner next to an extremely important liver doctor. The ironic thing about that was the fact that my own mother had hepatitis & passed away shortly after a liver transplant. So, at least I was well educated his specialty. And I got to watch J receive tons of support & admiration from a lot of people. I was so proud of him.

The absolute best part of that night was hitting the dance floor with J while Brian Wilson sang old Beach Boys songs. If you've never actually been lucky enough to listen to him sing live then I really want you to consider tickets to his next concert.

And no, I'm not even kidding.

I'm a meatatarian

Did you know the opposite of vegetarian is "meatatarian"? This is according to a 10 year old boy. J's son, to be exact.

Anyways, I stopped eating meat & drinking milk a year ago. I have explained the entire control thing. If you know me at all then you'll get that. Also, I thought of it as a good way to lose some weight. Now I've lost about 20-25lbs BUT I don't think it has anything to do with not eating meat. I think it has to do with stress & a diet mainly consisting of wine & cigarettes. And hummus!

Lately I've been tired. Like really tired. A kind of tired that goes far beyond the "you're a single mom to 4 year old twins, for fuck's sake"! Because that's not it. My doctor's office tested my blood & found me very deficient in vitamin B12 & vitamin D. No big deal, they want me to take lots of supplemental vitamins & see a nutritionist.

Anyways, I've decided that instead of supplementing all kinds of vitamins trying to make myself feel better I am just going to start eating some meat again. And it's a slow painful process. Not because it's hard for me mentally to eat meat, but it's hard on me physically. Think stomach flu & then multiply that times 10. Yeah, gross.

In the past 2 weeks I've had a piece of bacon, a bite of a sausage biscuit, 1/2 a 7oz steak medium, 1 chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-a, some chicken nuggets & an Asian chicken wrap.

And it was good. Especially the steak.

Here's to my health!!

Love is the most amazing feeling in the world.

Wouldn't you agree?

The real story

What probably should have been one of the happiest moment in my life was quickly discounted by a drinky Lola.

I suck. Sometimes.

J proposed. And you're probably thinking that he's crazy for wanting to marry me, right? Well tell him that. Not me.

Anyways, no one has actually ever asked me to marry them. (yes, I know I've been married.) Pardon me while I seem surprised, but J did it right. He actually had a ring & gave an extremely lengthy monologue complete with an emotional twist. If I had to write a proposal scene for someone else I would have just used his. It was priceless. Most romantic thing ever.

Naturally, I fucked it up. It's what I do, people.

As he was rambling on & on about just how much he loved me & how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me I remember very clearly the two drinky thoughts I was having at that exact moment. I remember thinking how he was just drunk proposing (think drunk dialing, only in person). I was certain he would have forgotten his marital agenda once sobriety kicked in the next day.

And then I clearly remember thinking about how I wanted to have sex.

The end result in this situation is good, though. Even though I didn't say yes that night, I did say yes the next day when HE MENTIONED IT. And I still got laid that night. Ha!

Just think. Now I can start blogging bridal details. Vomit, I know.

The Texas Chronicles

So, J & I went to Texas. We went to visit my family & I wanted to give him a test run before we come home for Christmas.

Yes, I'm THAT girl.

Big news.

I'm engaged.

Big news.

Short courtship, long engagement.

Big news.

My family loves him.

Bigger news.

For Christmas J is getting a cowboy hat.

Big news.

I am really engaged.

Bigger news.

It feels really weird to type that.

Yeah, it just does.

Big news.

I ate 1/2 a steak.

Bigger news.

My doctor called me Monday & my vitamin D & B12 levels are dangerously low. I'm seeing a nutritionist next week.

Big news.

J & I had an absolute blast in Texas.

Bigger news.

I AM FUCKING ENGAGED.

See? Everything is better in Texas.

To my mother

I'll be traveling tomorrow to Houston & so I wanted to make sure I put this up before I left. Tomorrow would be my mom's 55th birthday! I can hardly believe she's been gone almost 9 years & not a day goes by that I don't think about her.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Wednesday afternoon thoughts

Because it's been a long, traumatic afternoon.

I dedicate this song to ME!



Rock on.

I saw the sign

J: i got a call that you will be happy about
Lola: you won the lottery?
J: nah, almost as good
Lola: I hate these games.
J: Aunt Helen called, her and Santa Claus went to the beach for the weekend and he told her that now that they were getting serious, with getting engaged and buying a house together, that he wouldn't go through with everything unless she stopped being friends with me. So I told her I understood and to take care and have a good life. And that if she really wanted her cat back she could come get him.

You think I flipped out, don't you? For the first time in this relationship I didn't lose my shit when it came to HER & I now know why. J & I have such parallel lives that it's scary. From ex spouses to ex lovers & everything in between - we are one.

I actually told him that I understood how difficult it was to finally close a chapter in your life after keeping the book slightly open for your own comfort & distraction. And do you want to know how I know this?

Yesterday, my ex-girlfriend asked me to leave Hippymom. Why? Probably because of my existence. I was devastated. But after spending the majority of my evening torn about this new situation at hand, I realized that I was wasting my time & energy on something that matters nothing. All it did was make me miserable which was how I spent most of the last year. Now, that chapter can finally close.

I thank Aunt Helen for closing J's. And I think my ex for closing mine. Neither one of us were strong enough to slam the book shut ourselves. But in this life, we are constantly learning & evolving. I feel like there is a greater lesson in all of this.

So you see, this is my sign. A very, very good one.

I am writing my history. Right now.

The EX Files - Part 1

I always say that there is a reason why a person is your ex. (Sometimes, there are a bazillion reasons.)

This EX files story is brought to you today by -

The ex-husband

I was calling him yesterday afternoon to let him know that he did not need to feed the girls dinner because I was taking them out to dinner after we went shoe shopping. I called his cell phone. No answer. I called his home phone. No answer. I waited half an hour & tried again. I called his cell phone, home phone & his work cell phone. NO ANSWER. I text him. No response.

At this point I am wondering what the fuck is going on. And I'm getting slightly annoyed.

Finally he calls me back. And I answer the phone -

"Well, it's a good thing I'm not dying..."

And his response?

"If you were dying why would you call me?"

Yes, that's one reason he is my EX.

Two words

My girls are my world. They are my life. They are the reason I wake up every.single.day. Being a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had! And even though they drive me to the point of drinking some days, I can't imagine going through life without them.

The separation of their father & me has been very hard on them. Harder than I ever expected. And with me in a new relationship that has totally changed the dynamics of our little family, the girls are just really... confused, clingy & more often than not they are downright defiant. I have tried to explain to them what is going on with me & their father. And I've tried to make them understand in simple terms my relationship with J. But, they are my babies & I have a hard time talking to them about such "adult" matters. I just want them to experience all the joy & love this situation has to offer. They have me. Like J said last night - I am their favorite person in the world. And do you know how that makes me feel? Hearts everywhere. They have their father. He is an amazing dad & he loves those girls with every ounce of his soul. I know that there are very few men who enjoy & embrace fatherhood as he has done. And they have J. To hold such importance in their lives while knowing them the shortest amount of time of anyone else they adore, he has shown those two girls more love than some people are shown in a lifetime. I'd say he's pretty amazing.

I pretty much take 100% responsibility for my children's actions. Their behavior not only affects me, but everyone in their lives. And in all honesty, J gets the majority of the blunt force trauma. They take out their confusion & frustration on him. And that creates the domino affect to him being upset & then me getting upset which upsets the girls. And it's the latter that inspired this jumbled mess of a blog that I'm writing.

The point of all of this is that I'm really just frustrated with myself for not having this figured out. Divorce, new relationships, step-parenting, all of it. In this world there are 2 people who depend on me for all the answers & I feel like I've done them a great disservice. EPIC FAIL, is more like it. And I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. Doing the best job I can is not satisfactory to me.

So, the end result is a change. Tonight I'm taking them for dinner & shoe shopping & I'm going to actually hold an adult conversation with them. And even though I don't have all the answers today, when all is said & done I know I can promise them that everyone will be okay. Peachy, even.

Ready to run

Not only has this been the longest week in history of long weeks (I chalk it up to not being able to drink), but J popped the question. The question, not THE QUESTION.

He asked us to move in with them.

For real this time. If you've read my blog since the beginning you'll know what I mean.

In fact, in the duration of my writing this blog we spoke on the phone. He just ended our conversation with, "I love you baby & I can't wait for you to move all of your stuff in to my house."

I don't know if I should cry or run away. Maybe, both?

No, seriously, things have been going well for us. I think the key was to not FORCE anything or anyone & to just let the dynamics of this relationship flow naturally. And lately I've just learned to stop trying to control everything & do just that.

Hell, I even ate chicken last night & I didn't even get sick.

My outlook in life has changed so much that I hardly recognize myself anymore. The more time you spend analyzing everything the less time you spend enjoying anything.

Oh & this song popped in to my head while I was typing. Snicker.

Death to the IUD

Seriously.

I've fucking had it. I have done nothing but bitch, moan, piss & complain since I had the Mirena IUD put in two years ago. And two years ago when they couldn't get it in the first time I should have recognized that as a "sign" & not gone back the second time for insertion. That probably would have forfeited my entire IUD saga.

I went in this morning for my annual well-woman exam. I have been having a lot of pelvic pain, swelling & just plain discomfort "down there". PLUS the two years worth of sore boobs, moodiness & the feeling that hormones are taking over my body one organ at a time! This morning the nurse practitioner went fishing for my IUD strings & could not find them. This means my IUD is probably missing. And you can put out all the bait you want, but this thing ain't coming back out on its own.


So, am I panicking? Yes. Absofuckinglutely.

I'm getting this fucker removed. Today, if possible. I would not recommend this form of birth control to even my worst enemy.

And you know what is the worst part? This all took place before 9am AND the preventative medicine I'm going to be taking cannot be taken with alcohol. What am I going to do for the next FIVE DAYS? CRY!

Mom got drunk & Dad got drunk

at our Christmas party.



Really, this song is awesome, but this blog is about me.

Things not to do when you're drinky at a family function.

1. The electric slide. Just don't.

2. Walk around telling everyone that you're just the girlfriend. It's okay to just be the girlfriend, sometimes.

3. Sit down next to Mom & try to hold any type of serious conversation involving her son's health or your feelings for him. And for whatever reason NEVER try to mediate the mother/son relationship even when Mom is drunk herself & seeking your advice.

4. Hold the baby. (I really didn't do this - I knew better!)

5. Arm wrestle.

6. Arm wrestle & then proceed to lose TWICE. Dammit.

7. Float the keg of Heineken before someone else does.

8. Walk in on the brother's new wife in the bathroom washing her hands & exclaim that you are that kind of friend now & pee in front of her.

9. Ask your boyfriend if he loves you & how much constantly. (wugh, that annoys me thinking about it)

10. NOT remember more than 1/2 of this list & rely on others to fill in the gaps. For some reason I keep thinking embellishment.

The invisible burger

So, I stopped eating meat a year ago.

I know, I know, you all remember when I did eat meat & wonder why the fuck I no longer consume animal flesh. A lot of people drew their own conclusions on this mystery, but the truth is I stopped because it's a control thing.

I am a power hungry, control freak. There I admit it. I have long since realized there are so many things in this world I cannot control - my children, my love life, my finances or my shopping addiction. But, I can control what I eat. And somehow it just brings me happiness.

Anyways, this post has very little to do with me not eating a burger. It has a lot to do with J not eating a burger.

So, Tuesday night was J's birthday & he ended up in the ER via ambulance because his pain level was intolerable. (he has CRPS, one day I'll explain) Since his own specialist couldn't come in to see him all the ER doctor would do is give him shots of pain medicine for comfort. Dilaudid, to be exact. Probably about 3-4 shots. Boy, was he comfortable.

When he was discharged he was hungry & asked to stop at Wendy's.

We get home & about an hour later we sit down to eat. (I'm eating leftover pizza since I don't do burgers) By this time J is seriously fucking wasted. He was eating & he just started passing out right there on the couch mid chew. Mom Jeans & I stood up so we could take him up stairs to go to bed & he said, "No, I want to finish my burger". He proceeded to not pick up his burger from the wrapper & hold nothing in his hands & take a bite. He even chewed this invisible burger. And, I'm the most assy girlfriend of all...

I laughed.

After that I insisted that MJ & I were putting him to bed. Same thing happened. Only after he did it this time he said, "This is the 2nd time I've done this, right?" And that's how I knew he was okay.

And I laughed, again.

Sometimes you have to get a little personal

So, let me talk to you about Mom Jeans. No, I am not talking about those Lee jeans with tapered legs & a high waist. (no offense to anyone who still wears those)

Mom Jeans is a hilariously quirky, semi-single mom of twin girls 2 months younger than mine & she's my BFF.

Mom Jeans & I talk about EVERYTHING. I mean everything. And believe me when I say this girl has no filter. Lucky for her only 1 out of every 10 things she says is actually offensive. And lucky for me I don't offend very easily.

Monday night we were talking about sex. We were talking about a certain sexual technique. I won't mention it here, but if you guess it correctly in my comments you totally rock. So, I'm going on & on about how you just have to be drunk to partake in that particular indulgence. And she was agreeing & then she made me laugh more than any invisible hamburger out-take (which I will post about later, remind me) -

"Just when you feel like you are ready & completely hammered, do another shot. And then wait a few minutes & do one more!"

We're either going to hell or rehab. I'm not real sure.