Pity Party of One.

Yep. I'm pitiful this morning. I'm feeling very sorry for myself, in deed. Sigh.

The girls & I had a rough morning. I'm not a morning person AT ALL. Before this school year we all woke up around 8am. I had them to school at 9:15 & I was in to the office work by 9:30. It was cake. This year I have to get up at 6:30 & they get up at 6:45 so that we can be out the door by 7:15 & to school by 7:45. Wugh.

Since last night was fundraiser night at Up Chuck E Cheese for the elementary they attend we got home a little late. They didn't get in to bed until well after 8pm. Closer to 9, actually.

This morning was a nightmare. They were tired, whiny, didn't want to wear the only weather appropriate outfit I could find, one pair of jeans was too tight & I had to find something else last minute, one child couldn't find her head band & pitched a kick fit right on her bedroom floor. Cry. It was pretty bad. So, instinctively I yelled, I spanked & I threw a big ol' fucking hissy fit right back at them.

Now, I feel a) stupid & b) sorry for myself.

Essentially I've been dealing with these two for 4 1/2 years by myself even though I was married for a great portion of that time span. My ex was always working. So, I either was home all day & all night with the girls or I was working all day & then home with them all night. (nights are so much more difficult than days... with the exception of mornings.)

All that I have ever wanted in life is an equal partner. And honestly, I'll never get that. Their dad is great, but he keeps them from 12-4 by himself 3-5x a week. I mean, really, that requires very little effort on his part. He gets to be the fun dad & just hang out with them for a few hours. He even gets a nap option if he chooses to take it! I get them up in the mornings, I get them to school which isn't close, I pick them up after work at his house which is not close, I feed them dinner, I bathe them (okay, well J has taken over that role & I'm so grateful!!) & I get them in bed while getting EVERYTHING ready for school the next day.

The point is that even though moms need breaks, they also deserve help from their spouse, ex-spouse, whatever. I'm tired of all the driving I do that my ex doesn't. I drive out of my way TWO TIMES A DAY to get my kids. And I do it in rush hour traffic both times. We will never get home before 6pm. And you know what? That fucking sucks. I'm tired of being the girls' punching bag every morning. I'm tired of starting out my days in a pissed off fucking mood. And I hate yelling at my tired children every morning to brush their teeth & put their jackets on because we're going to be late.

The kicker? I drive them to school every day & it's mid November. We haven't been late once! (Yes, I want a fucking cookie for that. I'm always late!)

Most everyone I know thinks my life is so damn peachy. Well, if you read what I wrote you'd know it isn't always.

/end whine

My ex is my ex for a reason & I am a better person because of everything I endure. Yadda yadda yadda. I am also very grateful for what I do have. And last night at Up Chuck's a mother in Annie's class came up to me & asked me what was up with EX HUSBAND'S hair. I casually mentioned that he & I were divorced & that his hair is no longer my concern. Snort.

Two words

My girls are my world. They are my life. They are the reason I wake up every.single.day. Being a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had! And even though they drive me to the point of drinking some days, I can't imagine going through life without them.

The separation of their father & me has been very hard on them. Harder than I ever expected. And with me in a new relationship that has totally changed the dynamics of our little family, the girls are just really... confused, clingy & more often than not they are downright defiant. I have tried to explain to them what is going on with me & their father. And I've tried to make them understand in simple terms my relationship with J. But, they are my babies & I have a hard time talking to them about such "adult" matters. I just want them to experience all the joy & love this situation has to offer. They have me. Like J said last night - I am their favorite person in the world. And do you know how that makes me feel? Hearts everywhere. They have their father. He is an amazing dad & he loves those girls with every ounce of his soul. I know that there are very few men who enjoy & embrace fatherhood as he has done. And they have J. To hold such importance in their lives while knowing them the shortest amount of time of anyone else they adore, he has shown those two girls more love than some people are shown in a lifetime. I'd say he's pretty amazing.

I pretty much take 100% responsibility for my children's actions. Their behavior not only affects me, but everyone in their lives. And in all honesty, J gets the majority of the blunt force trauma. They take out their confusion & frustration on him. And that creates the domino affect to him being upset & then me getting upset which upsets the girls. And it's the latter that inspired this jumbled mess of a blog that I'm writing.

The point of all of this is that I'm really just frustrated with myself for not having this figured out. Divorce, new relationships, step-parenting, all of it. In this world there are 2 people who depend on me for all the answers & I feel like I've done them a great disservice. EPIC FAIL, is more like it. And I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. Doing the best job I can is not satisfactory to me.

So, the end result is a change. Tonight I'm taking them for dinner & shoe shopping & I'm going to actually hold an adult conversation with them. And even though I don't have all the answers today, when all is said & done I know I can promise them that everyone will be okay. Peachy, even.