If you want something done right

you have to do it yourself.

Another one of life's lessons learned the hard way. I am annoyed.

So, I jumped the gun & moved to his house. Before my stuff can even fit in I have to de-clutter his house. That's going to take me a while. I'm only one girl. Little by little I clean out cabinets, drawers & entire rooms making space for his stuff & mine. It's probably one of the biggest projects I have ever tackled. And you know what? I don't really mind because EVERYONE will benefit from this.

I get that J appreciates it. But, I always feel like no matter what or how I go about it I'm the annoying, self-righteous, clean freak of a bitch that is taking over his house. I don't want to annoy him, but I have to have certain things, certain ways. We are running a household of SIX now & that's twice as big as what we were dealt. And, we are doing it & it's going great, but every once in a while I have to stop & think about what exactly is important to ME. Because I know what is important to him. I know what is important to all four children - each one with very different opinions on the subject.

What is important to Lola, you ask? I want a place to belong. I want all of my stuff in once place. I don't want some stuff in a condo, some in a storage unit & some in a foreign place I now call home. I want more than one drawer for my clothes. I want to be able to hang up pictures of my children on the wall. I want to come home & pick up the house before I relax. I want my children to have their own space, with their own things & be able to enjoy their own room. I don't want to wait 2, 3, 5 weeks for it, either. The transition to them is what matters most to me & so, I want to do all I can to ensure they feel welcome. And sometimes I need some help in that & I want someone who is ready, willing & able to do that.

There. That's my demand list. Call me stupid, call me crazy, call me ridiculous. Just don't forget that these are things important to ME & therefore they are important.

Two words

My girls are my world. They are my life. They are the reason I wake up every.single.day. Being a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had! And even though they drive me to the point of drinking some days, I can't imagine going through life without them.

The separation of their father & me has been very hard on them. Harder than I ever expected. And with me in a new relationship that has totally changed the dynamics of our little family, the girls are just really... confused, clingy & more often than not they are downright defiant. I have tried to explain to them what is going on with me & their father. And I've tried to make them understand in simple terms my relationship with J. But, they are my babies & I have a hard time talking to them about such "adult" matters. I just want them to experience all the joy & love this situation has to offer. They have me. Like J said last night - I am their favorite person in the world. And do you know how that makes me feel? Hearts everywhere. They have their father. He is an amazing dad & he loves those girls with every ounce of his soul. I know that there are very few men who enjoy & embrace fatherhood as he has done. And they have J. To hold such importance in their lives while knowing them the shortest amount of time of anyone else they adore, he has shown those two girls more love than some people are shown in a lifetime. I'd say he's pretty amazing.

I pretty much take 100% responsibility for my children's actions. Their behavior not only affects me, but everyone in their lives. And in all honesty, J gets the majority of the blunt force trauma. They take out their confusion & frustration on him. And that creates the domino affect to him being upset & then me getting upset which upsets the girls. And it's the latter that inspired this jumbled mess of a blog that I'm writing.

The point of all of this is that I'm really just frustrated with myself for not having this figured out. Divorce, new relationships, step-parenting, all of it. In this world there are 2 people who depend on me for all the answers & I feel like I've done them a great disservice. EPIC FAIL, is more like it. And I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. Doing the best job I can is not satisfactory to me.

So, the end result is a change. Tonight I'm taking them for dinner & shoe shopping & I'm going to actually hold an adult conversation with them. And even though I don't have all the answers today, when all is said & done I know I can promise them that everyone will be okay. Peachy, even.