I just called...

to say...



My 1:40am wake up call last night was to my cousin singing this song to me. She lives in Texas. She was drunk. And even though I was sleeping & almost completely out of it - it was pretty freakin' hilarious.

I love my cousins. They freakin' rock.

I'm so glad it wasn't a middle of the night "death" call. Whew.

He read it? He read it not?

I'm guessing not, but it seems like J made a quick recovery after this morning's fumble.

Wugh. Blending families IS so hard!

Here we go again.

Repeat issue #1,343,234.

After spending years doing your own thing with your own kids & then for the past few months being tossed in to this great big mixing bowl, people are starting to get "stiff". Actually, we're all getting a little stiff. And pissy. And aggravated. And mean. And assy.

So, today J gives up on joint discipline because he feels like I think he's mean to my children. He's so fucking delusional sometimes I want to scream.

Fact - he does spend more time disciplining my children than his own because my kids are reluctant to listen to him & his kids are used to listening to him. Duh.

Fact - to be a mother & watch someone get angry with your kids time & time & time & time & time & time again hurts. Even if they aren't cooperating. It still hurts. It's like being stabbed in the heart repeatedly. I'm not even kidding. It's one thing for me to be upset with them, they are MY kids. But it's quite another to see someone else upset with them. Does anyone get that or I am just fucking stupid?

Opinion - Thing 1 & Thing 2 don't necessarily have a discipline problem. They are lashing out towards J & I which is probably warranted due to this grandiose lifestyle change they have had to make this year. Not their fault. I repeat, not their fault. They are very agreeable children towards teachers, other family members, other children & pretty much everyone else who is not me or J & sometimes their dad.

Opinion - I'm tired of J viewing my children as the "problem". Yell less at them & work more on them if we mean that much to you. Which, after this long series of "poor me" text messages he just sent, I am pretty sure we don't.

So, fuck it. My ex husband never had any interest in compromising parental maneuvers so why should J?

Confessions of a clueless bride

Yeah, we're back on the whole wedding kick. I am engaged, but it isn't something J & I talk about daily. I guess when you've already been married planning a wedding seems like a big pain in the ass. But, this is my last chance to ever have my dream wedding so, I need to start planning.

What are you people doing November 6, 2009?

Lola & the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day!

Everything about this day just blows. Well, almost everything.

I have copious amounts of green snot wreaking havoc in my sinus cavities. I also have a horrendous cough. It sounds like I'm playing the part of a 60 year old smoker. Blech.

The girls I sublease my condo to haven't paid rent since December. My landlord wants them out by Friday. I don't even know how that's legal or even possible, but I'm going to have them all swap information & deal with it.

My latest real estate deal went south today. Right straight down to hell! Not the motivation I need as I start my commission only life.

So far, that's it, but it is only lunch time.

Copper's Friday night vocabulary lesson

Friday night Hottie #1, Hottie #2, Wiener (AKA MR. WONDERFUL), his friend from Richmond, Copper, J & I went on the Centreville, VA town. I'll be honest. We may as well have been in Texas. Snort.

The Hotties, Wiener, J & I are regulars to "Party Hard Friday Nights". J & I tend to over do it & then we're both left feeling like shit for the rest of our kid-free weekend. J & I met Copper when were in Richmond & the whole pizza versus sex debacle went down. He's a delicious dish of a man who we all thought would hook it up nicely with Hottie #2. Needless to say that didn't work out so well...

Anyways, we all met at a Brewery for dinner & on to a bar that was featuring an 80's cover band. I almost wished I had worn my leg warmers. ALMOST! I probably still would have stuck out. I should have yanked out a few teeth, put on a cowboy hat & worn my spurs!

All in all we had a great drunken time. My backless shirt may have been a bit much, but whatever. In the course of the evening I picked up a few words from Copper that I want to share with y'all.

1. Cougar - an older lady looking for some younger meat.

2. Gunt - Basically a front butt or excessive gut that hangs over your pants in an less than attractive type fashion.

3. FUPA - a fat upper pussy area. Cringe.

I'm not sure how many of these words I will incorporate in to my daily life, but feel free to use them all in a sentence for me in my comments area so I can get a good laugh.

Talk dirty to me.

For Hottie #1 & Hottie #2.

See you tonight, girls!

Big news

Regarding my career.

I am almost 100% sure I'm going to be a full time agent & work strictly on commission. This is a HUGE deal for me & will most definitely be a great challenge... given the market.

But, I think I'm ready. And, my very wise fiance just told me that you have to be afraid to fail in order to succeed.

So. There you have it.

Wish me luck.

Happy Inauguration Day

Eight years ago I was moving from Texas to DC. And, so was George W. Bush.

And now, today, as Bush goes back to Texas, I bid him farewell. Adios. Ciao. Later. Peace out, yo!

DC is swarming with people today - somewhere around 3 million. I briefly contemplated joining the festivities, live, but I am content watching the live newsfeed from myfoxdc.com.

Obama represents change for many Americans & for many different reasons. To me he represents an ordinary man who is about to embark on an extraordinary journey. It has nothing to do with his lack of experience, his race, his past or the fact that he smoked cigarettes... I find all of that to be what makes him ordinary.

So, Happy Inauguration Day! Enjoy witnessing the history our country is making today.

What did Lola do next?

While we were in Texas, J made up this game for all the kids. It's actually really funny. It's called "What did BLANK do next?" (Insert a name in the BLANK)

So, we're in the car & J will say to Thing 1. Thing 1, what did Thing 2 do next? And Thing 1 will give her best response. It's always really violent or really gross. Thus the fun! "She farted on my face!" The car explodes in giggles. J proceeds to moderate & hands out a punishment for the crime. Thing 2, "You are grounded for 5 days!" The giggling turns in to a fit of laughter.

For some reason Thing 2 gets upset like she's really punished. Then we have to remind her that it is just a game. And when she's laughing at another child for getting a punishment she finds it very exciting, but when she's the punish-ee - forget about it!

So, J asks the other children in turn, "What did Thing 2 do next?" And each time Thing 2 gets a little assy when her "punishment" is handed out.

When I moderate & ask them all what did J do next, Lavagirl freaks out when I punish HER DADDY! No one ever seems to mind when I get punished. Snort!

Thing 1 & the Boy just enjoy the game & have no problems when they get punched in the face or receive 1 year of no desserts.




So, what did Lola do next?

She fell in love with her life.

Her punishment?

Happiness.

Just another manic Monday...

Except that it's NiNi's birthday! I hope you get all the sex, ahem, camera lenses you want!



It's a little ghey. You have been warned.

Friday night Mexican night

It kinda sounds like a really bad parody of a Christmas song.

Sing it with me...

Friiiiiiidayyyyyyyyyyyyyy night, Mexicannnnnnnnnnnnn night,
Tacos are cooking & the rice.
Guacamole makes a yuuuuuuuuummy treat.
Margaritas will beaaaaaaaaaaat the heat.
Everyone come to my houuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse, oooooooooooh!
Everyone.come.to.my.house.

Yeah, that was me singing Silent Night in January.

Whatever.

I've felt like death all week & honestly, I haven't had a drink in a week. And for me, that's serious business. So, tonight we're having tacos, rice, guac, margaritas, chips, salsa & fun friends over!

Ole!

Not all hummus is created equal.

It's true.

I'm sitting here at home ill with some sort of energy sucking plague & I am dreaming of Sabra. Sabra hummus, that is. What other thing in this world is named Sabra? Hmmm, off to google.

Apparently it means something - a Jew born in Israel. Interesting.

Anyways, my boss gave me a bag of oyster crackers, 2 vitamin waters & told me to GO HOME until I'm better. (which at this rate seems like NEVER) Sigh. I'm so over this winter & catching these plagues.

In staring at my bag of oyster crackers I am longing for some yummy Sabra hummus. I have tried every hummus known to Safeway & honestly, it's the best. So, since I can't have any right now I am inviting you all to have some today for me. And enjoy it! AND it comes in a zillion different flavors - see?

Now, I have to wrap up this pointless blog & get back to work from home... because selling a house takes precedence over being sick & writing in my blog.

Something big has happened!

And, I can't talk about it, yet.

And no, I'm not pregnant! Para.

Just sayin'.

Connect the dots, la la la la

Lately, I've been reconnecting with people from my past - mostly thanks to Facebook. Yesterday I chatted with our high school's former class dork. And the one thing I can remember about him is that he helped me with my Biology bug collection project 16 years ago. It's hard to believe I was once 15, but I was! So, class dork lives 10 minutes from me - which is a long ways from Katy, Texas. And, guess what?

He's still a dork! And a pompous ass, at that!

So, Michael Webb, take your Wegman's grocery store & the tuition to your children's private school & stick it!

Snort.

Most of my reconnects have been less awkward & more sincere. But, I have to be honest - I've never listed any of my schools on my Myspace or my Facebook. Is that odd? The painful truth is I never wanted to reconnect with these people & have to explain the last decade plus of my life to anyone who knew me when I was a little goody-goody gum drop. And yes, I was that girl. The dork, the honor student, the shy, quiet type with bangs & a Dooney & Bourke purse that was green. Ahem. Forest green.

I feel like perhaps I should have done more in my 20's & then I'd have some bragging rights, too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ashamed of who I am, but I also hate to be judged. So, I'm not real sure what that makes me. It's probably open for discussion.

Who the hell am I kidding? I'm Lola Starr & I'm phenomenal!

Yeah. That's it.

Superstar!

Let's just be honest, okay?

I hate to have to go through 20 of the same videos on youtube looking for one that doesn't have embedding disabled.



There. Happy fucking Wednesday.

Love,
Lola

20 things to do on your sick day

1. Eat peanut butter from a spoon. Mmm.

2. Play on Facebook in between bathroom trips.

3. Yahoo Instant Message with your sister & dream of being a professional photographer with her someday.

4. Visit the toilet. Repeatedly.

5. Make lists like these on your blog right before a nap.

6. Take a nap.

7. Look around the disaster of a house & think about cleaning it after your nap.

8. Seriously, consider cleaning.

9. Check your bank account.

10. Bookmark lenses that your sister recommends.

11. Prank call your neighbor & ask if her refrigerator is running.

12. Go to the pharmacy for drugs.

13. Go to your bathroom for drugs.

14. Think about how life would be if you were a prostitute hooking for drug money.

15. Laugh at yourself.

16. Wonder what you're missing at the office.

17. Visit the bathroom, again. And not for drugs this time.

18. Think about joining a photography website.

19. Find an old picture of you in high school on a Facebook group. You were an awesome puppet!

20. Go lay down & turn on Maury.

Make your own cuss word

Go ahead & try it.

1. Fucksticker
2. Shitcorn
3. Asspisser


Now I will go yell them from my car. TTFN!

It's really rough.

The waves, that is. This is the 2nd dream I've had recently about being caught in a tidal wave. And last night during my dream the words - It's really rough - came across the screen like a sub-title.

So now, I'm researching the dream's meaning through various internet sites.

1. To dream that you are caught in a tidal wave, signifies the strength of your emotions, perhaps accompanied by tears that you are holding back in your waking life.

2. TIDAL WAVES : A tidal wave is a very strong symbol and can simply indicate that there is something stronger and more powerful that will just sweep us away without warning. It may symbolise our wish to protect some vulnerable family member. It may link to some larger force such as need to follow the true path of religion.

But tidal waves are also symbolic of our feelings. They may show that we are overcome with strong feelings on an issue. The sea in dreams symbolises the feelings we have and the land the facts about some issue. For the sea to sweep over the land shows that we are making very emotional decisions, possibly based on insufficient evidence.

3. Tidal wave means you will receive some money in a way soon.

4. Well, to dream of a wave or tsunami means that you are caught in a tidal wave, signifies the strength of your emotions, perhaps accompanied by tears that you are holding back in your waking life. If the wave was more like a tsunami, this represents that you are being overwhelmed by some repressed feelings or unconscious material that is rising up to the surface. You are experiencing some unhappiness and emotional instability in some waking situation.

If the sky you dreamed of is cloudy and overcast, then it foretells of sadness and trouble.

5. Tidal waves often appear in our dreams when are under a lot of pressure or when significant change is occurring. They may be a an indication that we feel a little overwhelmed, that maybe we fear we won’t be able to cope or adjust with what we see in our own future. They may occur as recurring dreams, with the wave getting bigger or closer over subsequent nights. This may correspond to our increasing anxiety, or the looming date we fear getting closer. It is worth recognising that when we have these dreams there is often an area of our life that we are not looking at clearly, or that we are avoiding. Tidal wave dreams remind us that if we don’t confront and deal with things that are out of balance in our life, then they will confront us first! There are few clearer signs of confrontation than standing right before a towering body of surging water!

Honestly, I hope it just means I'll receive some money, soon. And, thank goodness I woke myself up last night before I drowned or I'd have to spend my morning researching that!

Para.

Weekend wrap-up.

I am not 21 anymore. Fo' sho'.

Friday night J& I met Hottie #1 & Weiner at PF Changs. We had 2 bottles of wine. Hottie #1 & I had discussed prior to dinner alternating wine with water. Why? Because we are known to suck down wine & then be drinky before the main course arrives. Her & I are really one in the same. She's just 40lbs lighter. Snort.

After dinner the four of us go to Weiner's friend's house. Interesting. His friend lives in Great Falls which is where I work & one of the most prestigious parts of No. Virginia. Needless to say, his house was AMAZING! Couple weird things there.

1. His girlfriend was a snobby bitch. She was probably hot 10 years ago, but I about lost it when she told me it was okay that I didn't know how to ski & that I could just sit there & drink while they all skied. Snort. Not a problem, bitch. Not a problem.

2. Hottie #1 was being a snarky bitch right there in front of her. And THAT was hilarious.

3. The friend was a former Olympian either from Russia or Slovakia. He had a thick accent, adorable children & was drinking what J thought an 800 dollar bottle of wine. He served us wine that didn't even have a cork. It was SCREW TOP! Cheap asshole!

4. We took shots of Russian grain vodka. Probably a huge mistake. I needed Tums after that.

We were meeting Hottie #2 & her date at a bar so J & I left early. I had NO PROBLEM with that! I had to pee so bad when we got there I couldn't wait in line to get in the bar... we went to Subway. I made J buy a bottle of water. I cannot stand using a public bathroom in an establishment without being a customer. And since we had just ate a sandwich wasn't in the cards.

So, we get our drink on, enjoy the live band complete with rockin' female lead singer. They played top 40 hits & old school rock. We were in heaven.

Then everything fell apart. My friends all started having man drama. Usually, I'm the one who leaves my boyfriend at the bar in a fit of dramatic rage. It just so happens J & I had a great time & even after our friends left we just continued to dance. I am kinda proud of us. Para.

We were a wee bit drinky.

Then, I peed in the parking lot. I am known to do that. Sometimes.

We found Hottie #2 & her date in the parking lot & I tried to save them as I left the sounds of the 70's inside the bar. Thank God they called a cab & I got a 2:36am text telling me just that.

Now, J & I went home, had a snack & some hot lovin'. And it was about 4am before we went to bed.

I slept the entire next day.

I am not 21. I cannot party like a rockstar, anymore. Saturday was so unproductive for me, it's almost sad.

We canceled plans with J's brother & his wife on Saturday night for the movie Juno & fell asleep by 10pm. I slept TWELVE HOURS! Sunday I woke up & got productive.

And guess who is presently sleeping on the couch & has been for HOURS?

Yep, J.

Obviously, he isn't 21 anymore, either.

Snort.

Friday Dedications

It's that time, again.



For my friend, Kebs. She just rocks!




For my girls, Hottie #1 & Hottie #2. You know who you are. Muah!




For J.




For me. Just sayin'.



Anita - this one is for you! Snort.

The tale of some interesting people.

Last night I went out with my crazy girlfriends, Hottie #1 & Hottie #2. We've become an interesting little group of lesbian wannabes over the course of the past few months. They are both former aerobic instructors of mine - former because my gym just suddenly shut down! Those assholes. Anyways, this is not a blog about how I need to find a new gym to join & I won't let my friends convince me to join LA Fitness where I could be stabbed by an angry husband at any given moment.

Anyways.

We went to our local spot & had some drinks & those delicious blue cheese chips. Don't ask, but they are absolutely heaven on a plate.

In the course of the evening I met some very interesting people.

1. Jim Parker. Jim Parker claims to be the author of 2 books, but I googled his name & cannot find them. He also works for AOL, told me a lame story about a girl who left her earring at his house & looks a lot like some actor who isn't really that famous so I'll spare myself the agony of trying to figure out his name.

2. LaShay. Total bar slut. Long bleach blond hair (and yes, right now I have no room to judge there... but I am going to anyways), red wine stains on her teeth, chain smoker, flight attendant, may actually be cute with proper alcoholic beverage intake... Anyways, I liked her. And I even almost kicked a girl's ass for being a snobby bitch to her.

3. Meggan. The snobby bitch who dissed LaShay & is actually the neighbor of Wiener. Wiener is Hottie #1's boyfriend who is pretty good friends with J. Anyways, Meggan hearts Wiener & it drives Hottie #1 a bit crazy. I get it, Hottie #1 - women do not just buy cat ornaments for their children to give to hot, single men because they are from the children. She wants to bang Wiener, but honestly, she must be more of a dog person, because she looks like one! Snort.

4. Lonny. Lonny is about 60. He drinks that crap called Long Island Iced Tea. He is Wiener's roommate, currently. He's quiet & was hanging out with people half his age. He's cool & that's about all I know about him.

5. Rich. Rich was with Meggan. They both sell insurance. Rich lives in Gainesville, which sparked an entire real estate conversation... he wants to move in closer, but doesn't know what his house is worth. Ding, ding, ding - jackpot! I am sure that with some research & my trusty GPS I can make it to Gainesville to tell him.

6. Carlos. Our bartender who looked more American than anything. I may have asked for an alcoholic beverage in Spanish & offended him. Para.

And there you have it. That was my night out with my girlfriends. I was so glad to be home come midnight & today I may be a little tired, BUT it is always worth it.

Would you be disturbed

if your fiance said that he thinks you'd leave him for another woman?

Snort.

I'm not really disturbed because I know it's definitely not true.

The only person in this world I'd leave J for is Ryan Reynolds, but please don't tell him I said that.

Double snort.

The trampoline.

Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce...

Bounce...

Bounce.

Bounce-y.

Bounce.

Bam.

Someone broke their head.

Just kidding.

The sock dance.

This one is hard to describe, but let's just say that if you get two stinky boys (one 11 & one 3) & make them wear knee socks you must do a little dance.

And so the Boy, my nephew & I did just that.

A sock dance.

And it went something like this.

You're in luck

Thanks NiNi.

Why do they call it a vacation

when you come home exhausted?

Twelve & a half hours of traveling yesterday with 4 children.

That's why I'm exhausted.

And I'll admit - the children were great. Considering we were up at 5:30am, drove 4 hours from Corpus to Houston, waited for a delayed plane, 3 hours plane trip, 1 hour wait for bags & then home.

Home.

Where the suitcases are empty, but the shit in them is laying on the floor in piles in all the rooms. Maybe tonight I'll gather enough energy to put the shit on the floors away. Mind you, we came home with THREE EXTRA BAGS! It was really Christmas in Texas.

I did forget my camera at my sister's. She mailed it so I'll be able to upload a ton of Texas pics. But before that happens I'll highlight a few of the top moments.

1. My nephew. He's my little angel boy & I swear if Anita ever lets me I will keep him. For-ev-ah.

2. My Nana. She's getting older & spending more & more time in bed. Monday morning I found her collapsed on the floor in her room. It really freaked me out. She's okay - she has a fast heart beat which she had surgery on yesterday to correct, but I can definitely see that my "on-the-go" Nana is no more.

3. I became an official "Dexican". And I even got the t-shirt to prove it!

4. Watching my children swim in the 50 degree ocean. They are seriously nuts.

5. Ringing in the New Year with my 4 children, J, my sister & brother-in-law & my nephew. <3

6. Doing shots of tequila with my sister outside in the rocker at Nana's... And laughing at J for puking after his. And having them both laugh at me for peeing on the driveway instead of the grass. Fucking tequila!

7. The dolphin show at the Texas State Aquarium. It was pretty neat.

8. Watching Lavagirl get over her trampoline fear. She really did ask if we were going to NiNi's house yesterday after we had already landed in VA! And to think my sister thought she didn't like her!

9. The food. I am about 5lbs heavier, now.

10. Laughing as my brother-in-law walks in to the kitchen with a huge piece of beef on his plate asking my sister if she wants some beef. Then giggling as my sister tells him that she doesn't want his tubesteak. Then busting out in a fit of laughter after Nana misinterprets the word & claims that she never really had a taste for cheesecake. Three days later Nana bought a cheesecake.

Snort.

Everything is better in Texas. Really. And I hope to go back real soon, y'all.