Monday, November 17, 2008

Pizza + Lockjaw = One UnORGASMIC Weekend

Thank you to my sister, Anita, for listening to me whine about this on my way to work. And thank you for helping me title this blog. Enough small talk. I'm going to just dive in to the topic at hand today.


Or lack of sex.


I'll be honest. (Maybe too honest) Sex is probably the most important thing to me in a relationship. I know, I sound shallow, but without great sex you got nothin'. At least if you are sexually dynamite in bed when you argue you know you'll at least get amazing make up sex in return. I thought I had that.

And then this weekend happened.


Back up just a month or so. J & I used to have sex nearly every day. It's just something I got used to & enjoyed tremendously about our relationship. We were so hot for each other. We used to talk about having sex all day & then BAM - have some of the most amazing sex I've ever dreamed about.

Now, it appears we're falling in to that old, married category. ALREADY. Dude, it's been 5 months. That's bullshit. I never want to be that couple. I won't be that couple. We have not been together long enough for us to have to resurrect our sex life. We don't need to spice things up. Things were already spicy. I don't even know how you go from this hot to this not. I'm absolutely stunned.

J & I had sex once last week. And maybe once the week before. We're talking 4-5x a week to ONCE?

And then the icing on the cake. This weekend. This kid free weekend where we had nothing else better to do than relax & just be totally hot for each other.


If I haven't mentioned, I'm pretty sore about this.

Friday night we went to dinner & shopping. Very low key. We came home. Nothing.


Saturday morning. Nothing.


Saturday night we slept in a $200 a night hotel, got all dressed up for a party & were supposed to have this fantastic evening out. Hmph. The most excited J got that evening was about a girl in a red dress hitting on him.

We can not be this couple. I can not deal with this.

Naturally after about 8 vodkas with a splash of soda water I get angry. This is why I don't drink liquor. Really. It does nothing for me.

J wants to leave & we go back to our hotel room. I'm wearing nothing except heels & a thong. NOTHING.

I think I went so far as to pick a fight about WHY he's not in to me anymore. (This totally reminds me of that Sex & the City episode - "He's just not that in to you...")


I gave him a 25 minute oral fixation.


For fuck's sake.

All he wanted was to order fucking pizza.

I remember when I used to be the MOST important thing to him. Now if it isn't pizza, it's folding laundry, or playing a video game, or watching CSI, etc, etc, etc.

It is now Monday. I have had no orgasms all weekend & I'm bitter about that.

Most people get married to experience the joys of a sex free relationship. Snort.

Maybe we'll just end up roommates? Double Snort.


Anita said...

I went to richmond and all I got was this lousy Lockjaw.

Love you!

Kebbie said...

Uh, sounds like you're already married.