Wednesday, November 19, 2008

"Wait around & I'll smile again."

I heard this song this morning. You know it's going to be a deep blog when I start out with a song. Snort!

I never realized how fucking insane my life used to be until I sat here typing this blog. I've tried really hard to erase the past year & a half from my life. Seriously. And, after more than a year of not talking about this chapter of my life I am ready to actually share my side of what truly was the destructive period of my life - in a 3 part series, of course!

The Truth:

About four years ago I met a girl. We became fast friends. I truly enjoyed her company, her existence & her presence in my life. Well, friendship turned in to attraction turned in to fatal attraction. Nah, she didn't boil my bunny. But after juggling our one sided friendship for months she decided to cut me out of her life. Think middle school - name calling, team rallying & all that other 6th grade stupid shit. She convinced everyone, including me, that it was MY fault that we weren't friends any more. It's just not normal to be able to manipulate people so well. But she did it then & she did it again.

We went our separate ways for not even a year & then in July 2007 she came back in to my life. And our relationship evolved rather quickly in to "more than friends". We literally spent like almost every waking hour together aside from the usual children, husband & work obligations. She quickly filled the void that my husband had left me & I had these two people who equaled one seemingly, perfect relationship.

The Consequences:

Then things got tricky. Not only did I fall in love with her, but shortly after that her husband found out about our affair. And he went ape shit, naturally. We were no longer allowed to see each other & I put up with threats & accusations while essentially being solely blamed for the entire situation. Of course it was all my fault she fell in love with me & had an affair on her husband, right? I should have just ended it there, but she strung me along with promises she certainly had no intention of ever keeping. She didn't want to lose me, but couldn't see me. She loved me, but couldn't leave her husband at that time. She wanted me to just sit & wait for my happy ending, patiently.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't breathe. Essentially, I lost about five months of my life that I will never get back. We communicated daily via youtube'ing songs back & forth on a message board since she couldn't talk to me. The last time two times I saw her were in secret from her husband. We met a mutual friend's house on Mother's Day. I don't remember what she said, but what I heard was that she loved me & wanted to be with me, but she needed a few years to put that plan in to action. Then a few weeks later she stopped by my house after a function briefly & basically said the same thing only this time she didn't want me to put my life on hold for her. And, I finally woke up after all of those months of nothing, but static.

The Aftermath:

I ended up leaving my husband. Not only because I had an affair on him for over a year (mentally & physically), but because if I could care that much about another person I obviously did not love him. It was a hard lesson for me to learn & a tough pill for him to swallow.

It was all just a horrible nightmare, but I'm glad I finally woke up. Destruction does not equal love.

"Shouldn't be so complicated."

Almost one year since her husband found out about our affair & we stopped talking like normal people plus many months of therapy later I am ready to stop blaming her for my inadequacies in my current relationship. I am bent. I am scared. I am afraid I'll never be put back together. J constantly has to "break me in". I'm not used to a completely functional, loving, committed relationship & some days I do everything I can to create the destruction that I had become so accustomed.

Fuck that.

I deserve the happiness I have found. I deserve to have someone so wonderful, so loving & so beautiful in my life. And I deserve to enjoy all of it without hesitation. And that's what I'm going to do from now on.

"Wait around & I'll smile again."


A mother's Journey said...

I had no idea baby... I knew bits and pieces were kinda spoken, but now I have a better understanding. I love you bunches!

and hope and pray you will soak up all the love and care you are getting from J.

Blog your heart out!

Lola Starr said...

Love you, too, my darling! xoxo

Kebbie said...

Everything happens for a reason, that's about all I can say. You're happy now, and finally found everything you've been waiting for.