I had a dream. (nightmare is more like it!)

I'm sitting here disconnecting my utilities as I write this. Gas off. Power off. Cable was disconnected last week due to non payment. I've been meaning to pay it, but it's hard to pay a bill for a service in a place you do not reside. I mean, really. The walls in don't need cable television! Even if it's basic...

I had a dream last night. I literally passed out from sheer exhaustion & I really don't think I woke up until the morning. I did A LOT of work yesterday.

So, my dream.

Yeah.

In my dream J's ex girlfriend, Aunt Helen, came back to live with us. He told me he didn't love her & that he loved me & the girls. I guess she just needed a place to stay?? Well, I called him out & told him that I had heard him telling her that he loved her & wanted to spend his life with HER. And when he confirmed what I already knew I had to figure out alternate living arrangements & he agreed. They were going to live together & be a family. I remember having to go to the playground where the girls were swinging & tell them. And then I remember trying to pack up the kitchen & being really frustrated because I had recently co-mingled all of our stuff. And I remember just being stuck.

Sigh.

What does this say about me? That I'm scared? That I'm just really vulnerable right now? That I've made a huge, huge mistake by giving up my condo because let's face it - shit happens?**

I think it's okay to be scared, but I don't want my fear to take away from all the love & happiness that's right in front of my face.


** Edited some days later. J pointed out to me that it looks like I was saying moving in with him was a huge, huge mistake. And it wasn't. So, I added the missing question mark.