Top ten reasons you're not answering your phone

10. You are drunk & passed out in a cave.

9. You are drunk & passed out in a cave with a cave whore.

8. You got so excited that the Redskins won that you stripped down completely naked & excitedly paraded down the streets of Charleston, SC. You got arrested & you haven't been allowed your one phone call, yet.

7. You are out buying me diamond earrings at 9pm on a Sunday evening.

6. You heard how I loaded up our kids, took them to Chick-fil-a, sat in the drive thru for a good five minutes waiting & not realizing they are closed on Sundays. Thus, creating five disappointed children who had to settle for Taco Bell & McDonalds since they all couldn't agree on the same fast food joint for dinner.

5. Because I have been a little shitty on the phone with you the entire time you've been gone due to stress & extreme fatigue.

4. You decided to go to bed early since you stayed up all night drinking with your brother last night.

3. You fell in the ocean & got bit by a Tiger shark. It just so happens the shark bit the hand you use to make phone calls.

2. Your Aunt locked you in a closet with a broom, a lighter & a pound of marijuana. You are smoking yourself stupid. I'm not quite sure of the broom's purpose.

1. You don't want to call & thank me for the 1,000th time this weekend for keeping our children safe, fed & happy-ish for 48 hours straight while not going completely insane.