MEG STAND!

Saturday May 2nd

8:30am - wake up hungover from drinking 2 bottles of cheap wine with my next door neighbor.

8:45am - take advil. It's going to be a long day.

9:00am - get ready for Gold Cup. (all day drinking fest - I mean horse race)

10:30am - arrive at Weiner's house. Everyone is already drinking. I just want coffee so I decline.

11:00am - we leave for Gold Cup. Hottie #2 nibbles on my shoulder in the back seat. I liked it. A lot.

11:45am - pick up Weiner's boss' Au Pair. She's 19, from France & just arrived in the states yesterday. This is fun.

12:30pm - I'm sitting bitch in my own car. It's not comfortable. J is lost. We are all hungry, thirsty & ready to party like rock stars.

1:00pm - Arrive at Gold Cup. Admire the attire. Walk half a mile to our tent.

1:15pm - Jungle juice, trash can punch, kool aid & everclear punch is served.

1:17pm - I decide to eat a little something before this punch gets to me.

1:19pm - Drink more punch.

2:00pm - People are loosening up a little. Big Boobs stalks me. Her tits are the biggest ones I've ever seen. I can't stop staring. She's so annoying & tells me that the punch is good, but will turn your lips orange. She offers to check on me from time to time to ensure my lips stay perfect. I accept.

2:15pm - Horse betting is going on. Do people really come to Gold Cup to watch horses?

2:30pm - Hottie #1 decides we are doing shots. J looks at me like I'm crazy. I don't care. To the bar we go.

2:45pm - There is a ton of alcohol & we are still deciding what to shoot. We do vodka with lemons. I am playing bartender.

2:46pm - Hottie #1 thinks we should do another. I oblige.

2:49pm - Hottie #1 finds a bottle of jager, but no red bull. Sorry!

3:00pm - 4:00pm

This one is a time block. Hottie #1, Hottie #2, me, Denver & Richie Rich get stupid. We are taking turns concocting shots made with probably more liquor than I've ever had at one time. I decide I love the Gold Cup. Big Boobs crazy girl keeps stalking me. No, I don't want to friend you on facebook. I'm busy. Denver makes the most incredible shot. It has coconut rum in it & goes down smooth. The girls all decide to go to the Port-a Potty.

"It smells good in here!" - Hottie #1

We walk back to our tent & something crashes. I thought it was Richie Rich for sure. It was not. So we go back to the "bar" & drink Richie's shots. At this point I am hammered.

4:00pm - J & I leave. Booooooooooo. But we have a benefit dinner that evening & need to change. We take 3 drunk people in our car that we don't know, but are friends of Hottie #1 & Weiner. We get 2 miles down the road & Ugly Dress Girl has to throw up.

4:15pm - still waiting for her to puke. Her friend gets out to hold her hair. Her friend's meat head of a boyfriend sits in my car with a bored look on his face.

4:18pm - here comes a cop. Nice.

4:25pm - J passes his sobriety test & we keep going. They want a ride to Ashburn.

5:30pm - We finally get them home. They were annoying. Stupid drunk people.

6:00pm - We get home, changed & on to our next event.

6:45pm - We arrive at the benefit dinner. I have 3 glasses of wine before dinner. J's slamming vodka & tonic. He swears he isn't drunk, yet. Whatever. He always does that!

6:46pm - Hottie #2 starts texting. Drama is going down.

7:00pm - Thank god for cheese cubes.

7:10pm - We talk to Hottie #2 to get the scoop. It's not looking good & she can't find her keys.

7:30pm - Dinner is served, we are drunk & we are sitting with a bunch of people we don't know. I am trying not to act drunk.

8:00pm - I make a comment about how lobster is so fun to eat around people you don't know. I make it through my lobster & eat part of J's. It was delicious & I'm grateful that I did not spill anything.

8:30pm - Still trying to figure out the drama as our phones blow up during dinner. I am not convinced that I have Hottie #2's keys in my car. We decide to leave soon.

9:00pm - We make an early exit & head back to Weiner's house.

9:15pm - I decide to distract the driver, but was shot down. Oh well.

9:30pm - Arrive at Weiner's house. The keys are in my car & Hottie #2 goes home.

9:34pm - I get their version of the drama. I decide to just drink heavily.

10:00pm - We go outside to do keg stands. Seriously.

10:10pm - I complete my first keg stand of the night. My dress doesn't go up over my waist & I'm glad about that.

10:15pm - We do another. This time our audience has grown as everyone starts to come outside to see our keg stands. I pose for every picture. I am drinking red bull & vodka & beer. Richie Rich passes out shots.

10:30pm - I do another keg stand. As I am going back down my hands slip off the keg & I see myself falling head first to the pavement. An angel saves me before I face plant & I only end up with minor injuries.

10:34pm - I have a strange red line on my arm from my fall. I look like I injected heroin.

10:34pm - midnight

Another time block, albeit, I do not remember much. At this point I've had more to drink that I have since I was 23. The neighbors are complaining. I am getting loud & obnoxious. I decide I like Richie Rich, but wish Denver hadn't passed out. Hottie #1 decides to go to bed, but we see her boobs first. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

9:50am the next morning - I'm sitting here with a very sore arm & a strange red line down it. I'm not really hungover, just tired. I can't sleep because every time I close my eyes I see myself going head first to the pavement after my infamous "Meg Stand" & it really scares me. I'm going to have to retire the Meg Stand. I am too old to drink upside down.