Lola's Christmas rant.

I promise I am not Scrooge by any capacity, but I have to vent a little bit here.

Every year I say I'm not going to go overboard on gifts & shit. And every year I spend way more money than I should. I don't make a huge production getting toys for the girls because I buy them endless amounts of cack YEAR ROUND. So, I don't want them growing up thinking Christmas is the day you get your year's supply of toys. It's much more economical to purchase cack little by little all year. I just don't wish to hide it all in a closet until December so I dole it out as I see fit.

C'mon people. What is the true meaning of Christmas? And don't tell me it was the day Jesus was born. Snort.

/end soapbox

I never blog on Sundays.

Usually because I have something more constructive to do. But, I needed to kill a few minutes while I wait on clients.

So here I am.

Guess what?

The lice have returned. Yeah. That sucks. Luckily Thing 1 & Thing 2 are clear, again, but do you know how hard it is to monitor this shit? The triplets share everything. Sigh. Let's just hope the twins stay clear or I'm going to probably rip my own hair out. Sheer insanity I tell you. I tried hard to make friends with the little guys as I picked Lavagirl & The Boy's hair last night. I just told them to please go away & that we don't need anymore pets right now.

This fun weekend has been anything but fun. Everyone is annoyed, aggravated & in a crank-ass mood. I'm not sure what's bothering everyone, but I have a feeling being cramped up in this little house all weekend MAY have something to do with it.

Happy Sunday. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Simply functional.

This blog is brought to you by the word function.

func⋅tion [fuhngk-shuhn] –noun

1. the kind of action or activity proper to a person, thing, or institution; the purpose for which something is designed or exists; role.
2. any ceremonious public or social gathering or occasion.
3. Mathematics.
a. Also called correspondence, map, mapping, transformation. a relation between two sets in which one element of the second set is assigned to each element of the first set, as the expression y = x2; operator.
b. Also called multiple-value function. a relation between two sets in which two or more elements of the second set are assigned to each element of the first set, as y2 = x2, which assigns to every x the two values y = +x and y = −x.
c. a set of ordered pairs in which none of the first elements of the pairs appears twice.

1. The following is a list of functions I assume on a daily basis*. I am a mother, stepmother, girlfriend, sister, lover, ex-wife, friend, butt-wiper, chef, chauffeur, maid, school volunteer, employee, story teller & of course, a princess**.

2. This morning I went to a function at the twins' elementary school. It was a Thankgsiving luncheon/program. It was amusing when one of the mom's asked me if I had received anything new since she last saw me at Chuck-E-Cheese (aka: Up Chucks). She was, of course, referring to my engagement ring which she said she could see all the way from the other side of the classroom. I guess it's pretty bling.

3. And last night I tried to help the Boy with his math homework. We were doing functions. The Boy forgot his math book & since I haven't had a 5th grade math lesson in 20 years. It was EPIC FAIL.



* I am not limited to just these specific functions. I have the right to assume any function because this is my life. Get your own function(s).

** My daughters' think I am a princess therefore I must be.

Pity Party of One.

Yep. I'm pitiful this morning. I'm feeling very sorry for myself, in deed. Sigh.

The girls & I had a rough morning. I'm not a morning person AT ALL. Before this school year we all woke up around 8am. I had them to school at 9:15 & I was in to the office work by 9:30. It was cake. This year I have to get up at 6:30 & they get up at 6:45 so that we can be out the door by 7:15 & to school by 7:45. Wugh.

Since last night was fundraiser night at Up Chuck E Cheese for the elementary they attend we got home a little late. They didn't get in to bed until well after 8pm. Closer to 9, actually.

This morning was a nightmare. They were tired, whiny, didn't want to wear the only weather appropriate outfit I could find, one pair of jeans was too tight & I had to find something else last minute, one child couldn't find her head band & pitched a kick fit right on her bedroom floor. Cry. It was pretty bad. So, instinctively I yelled, I spanked & I threw a big ol' fucking hissy fit right back at them.

Now, I feel a) stupid & b) sorry for myself.

Essentially I've been dealing with these two for 4 1/2 years by myself even though I was married for a great portion of that time span. My ex was always working. So, I either was home all day & all night with the girls or I was working all day & then home with them all night. (nights are so much more difficult than days... with the exception of mornings.)

All that I have ever wanted in life is an equal partner. And honestly, I'll never get that. Their dad is great, but he keeps them from 12-4 by himself 3-5x a week. I mean, really, that requires very little effort on his part. He gets to be the fun dad & just hang out with them for a few hours. He even gets a nap option if he chooses to take it! I get them up in the mornings, I get them to school which isn't close, I pick them up after work at his house which is not close, I feed them dinner, I bathe them (okay, well J has taken over that role & I'm so grateful!!) & I get them in bed while getting EVERYTHING ready for school the next day.

The point is that even though moms need breaks, they also deserve help from their spouse, ex-spouse, whatever. I'm tired of all the driving I do that my ex doesn't. I drive out of my way TWO TIMES A DAY to get my kids. And I do it in rush hour traffic both times. We will never get home before 6pm. And you know what? That fucking sucks. I'm tired of being the girls' punching bag every morning. I'm tired of starting out my days in a pissed off fucking mood. And I hate yelling at my tired children every morning to brush their teeth & put their jackets on because we're going to be late.

The kicker? I drive them to school every day & it's mid November. We haven't been late once! (Yes, I want a fucking cookie for that. I'm always late!)

Most everyone I know thinks my life is so damn peachy. Well, if you read what I wrote you'd know it isn't always.

/end whine

My ex is my ex for a reason & I am a better person because of everything I endure. Yadda yadda yadda. I am also very grateful for what I do have. And last night at Up Chuck's a mother in Annie's class came up to me & asked me what was up with EX HUSBAND'S hair. I casually mentioned that he & I were divorced & that his hair is no longer my concern. Snort.

If you want something done right

you have to do it yourself.

Another one of life's lessons learned the hard way. I am annoyed.

So, I jumped the gun & moved to his house. Before my stuff can even fit in I have to de-clutter his house. That's going to take me a while. I'm only one girl. Little by little I clean out cabinets, drawers & entire rooms making space for his stuff & mine. It's probably one of the biggest projects I have ever tackled. And you know what? I don't really mind because EVERYONE will benefit from this.

I get that J appreciates it. But, I always feel like no matter what or how I go about it I'm the annoying, self-righteous, clean freak of a bitch that is taking over his house. I don't want to annoy him, but I have to have certain things, certain ways. We are running a household of SIX now & that's twice as big as what we were dealt. And, we are doing it & it's going great, but every once in a while I have to stop & think about what exactly is important to ME. Because I know what is important to him. I know what is important to all four children - each one with very different opinions on the subject.

What is important to Lola, you ask? I want a place to belong. I want all of my stuff in once place. I don't want some stuff in a condo, some in a storage unit & some in a foreign place I now call home. I want more than one drawer for my clothes. I want to be able to hang up pictures of my children on the wall. I want to come home & pick up the house before I relax. I want my children to have their own space, with their own things & be able to enjoy their own room. I don't want to wait 2, 3, 5 weeks for it, either. The transition to them is what matters most to me & so, I want to do all I can to ensure they feel welcome. And sometimes I need some help in that & I want someone who is ready, willing & able to do that.

There. That's my demand list. Call me stupid, call me crazy, call me ridiculous. Just don't forget that these are things important to ME & therefore they are important.

Happy Election Day

I know I'm not the only person who feels a huge sense of pride when I walk out of the polls after voting. I love Election Day. I have since I was 18 years old & I voted in a state election for the first time. My first presidential election was the year 2000. (In 1996 I did not vote because I was away at school. Dumb, huh) I voted for Gore & living in Texas my vote didn't mean jack. And even though Gore won, Bush was elected & the rest is history.

In 2004 I voted for Kerry. It wasn't because I liked him so well, but he was the anti-Bush. No luck, there.

This year I voted & I took the twins. Four years ago when they were about 10 months old my ex & I took them to the polls. Naturally, they don't remember. This year I took them with me so they could experience voting. We sat at a table together one on each side of me. I had a paper ballot & I let them watch me fill it in while trying to explain to them what a country, President & voting all meant. We all got the "I VOTED" stickers & Annie cried to me about how she wants to vote. I told her she had 14 more years to go. Ha!

If the election goes my way I know someone who is going to get a new Coach purse! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! And I know someone who is going to be out a few hundred dollars purchasing that for me. Wink.

I could just crash right here on my laptop

What a whirlwind of a weekend.

Friday J & I took the twins trick or treating with his ex-wife, Lavagirl & the Boy. We had a nice time. It's weird how the ex & I can get along so well considering J has never even met my ex. But, the only thing awkward was the fact that I had on a pencil skirt & knee high boots. (I hadn't been home to change, yet)

Then J & I dropped the A's off at their aunt's house & had a date. YES, a fucking date. We went for Coronas, queso & then to see Saw V. Everything was awesome, except the movie. (Save your money...)

Saturday I woke up semi-early to head to the office for an hour. J brought me Starbucks. Heart, heart, heart. Then we were supposed to go to Leesburg to start packing when we got detoured with Panera, his sister, her husband & their adorable baby & the freaking outlet mall. I got a 200 dollar Guess winter coat for 67 bucks. What can I say? I'm a shop-a-holic! God, my coat is beautiful.

So after hours of shopping we decided to finally head to my condo. It took an hour to pack. Isn't that sad? Now, I have a closet of hanging clothes, a cabinet of dishes & the girls toys & dresser left, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE. AN HOUR? I obviously don't have enough cack. Har.

We came home & got ready for dinner. We went to Benihanas with the newlyweds. (Lola #2 & J's brother) Sister, husband & cute baby boy joined us. We drank 4 bottles of wine & ran up a 300 dollar tab. Saturday night was fun. I won't even mention the unmentionables. Tee hee hee.

This morning we were up by 8:30 when my movers called. They were early. FUCK! We hauled ass to Leesburg where we packed up stuff to take to our house & they took my furniture to storage. Isn't this blog boring? Well, it all worked out. I got my storage unit, J got a live in girlfriend & the girls' new room has ONE WALL PAINTED! J gave up after hand cramps & called the handyman to come finish it this week. Smart boy.

I have spent the entire day rearranging his kitchen to accommodate my belongings. I threw away 2 huge garbage bags full of... well, trash. I hung pictures, bathed Lavagirl, hung out with the boy & now I'm having wine & J is coming downstairs to probably inquire why I'm not up in the bed with him.

Okay, it wasn't J. It was the boy.

Oh, the A's are lice free. (I don't think they REALLY had anything, anyways) J spent an hour picking Lavagirl's hair tonight & the boy's lice is just about gone. I couldn't be happier about that. We're doing tea tree oil on Lavagirl tomorrow night!

Goodnight, Sassafrass. This girl is EXHAUSTED!

Our louse-y experience

Yesterday I got the call from J.

The dreaded call.

"Lavagirl has lice."

Really? My sweet little Lavagirl? Well, okay, she had a note sent home 2 weeks ago from school about a kid in her class who has lice, but it's not like she shares hats with everybody.

BUT, she does share hats, brushes, pillows & Disney princess costumes with Thing 1 & Thing 2 so I immediately knew that they probably had it, too. And if the twins had it then naturally so does the Boy. And not to mention Mom Jeans & her twins who were visiting over the weekend PLUS the Boy's best friend who practically lives with us on the weekends.

I know what you are thinking.

FUCK.

Yes, those were my exact words. And then I maybe wanted to cry a little bit as my own head started to itch profusely.

Scratch. Scratch.

I had to call my ex & tell him that the girls probably had lice. He got pissed. Well, fuck it. The girls could have gotten lice anywhere. It's a fact of elementary school life. Then I had to call MJ. She wasn't really pissed which surprised me. Insert paranoid face here. She did have her girls checked at daycare & they were fine. Whew.

So, I call the pediatrician for treatment advice on my four kids. The list was extensive. I do what every good mom, step mom & girlfriend would do. I typed out the instructions & emailed them to J's ex-wife. This way when her babies come home tonight she will know to wash their bedding every night with hot water until our subsequent treatment next Monday. The end result is that once this is all done I'm taking her out for a drink & J gets kid duty. Snicker.

After the dinner dishes were done we had all the children at the dining room table for shampooing & nit picking. Blech. I may have gagged a little. After round one of shampooing & rinsing we went on to round two. Then after everyone was rinsed, shampooed, bathed, blow dried, changed, beds made & had a round of good night kisses I was absolutely, fucking positively exhausted.

It was only 9pm.

And then J & I did what every hot, sexy couple should experience together.

We combed lice shampoo through each other's hair.

I'm a meatatarian

Did you know the opposite of vegetarian is "meatatarian"? This is according to a 10 year old boy. J's son, to be exact.

Anyways, I stopped eating meat & drinking milk a year ago. I have explained the entire control thing. If you know me at all then you'll get that. Also, I thought of it as a good way to lose some weight. Now I've lost about 20-25lbs BUT I don't think it has anything to do with not eating meat. I think it has to do with stress & a diet mainly consisting of wine & cigarettes. And hummus!

Lately I've been tired. Like really tired. A kind of tired that goes far beyond the "you're a single mom to 4 year old twins, for fuck's sake"! Because that's not it. My doctor's office tested my blood & found me very deficient in vitamin B12 & vitamin D. No big deal, they want me to take lots of supplemental vitamins & see a nutritionist.

Anyways, I've decided that instead of supplementing all kinds of vitamins trying to make myself feel better I am just going to start eating some meat again. And it's a slow painful process. Not because it's hard for me mentally to eat meat, but it's hard on me physically. Think stomach flu & then multiply that times 10. Yeah, gross.

In the past 2 weeks I've had a piece of bacon, a bite of a sausage biscuit, 1/2 a 7oz steak medium, 1 chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-a, some chicken nuggets & an Asian chicken wrap.

And it was good. Especially the steak.

Here's to my health!!

Two words

My girls are my world. They are my life. They are the reason I wake up every.single.day. Being a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had! And even though they drive me to the point of drinking some days, I can't imagine going through life without them.

The separation of their father & me has been very hard on them. Harder than I ever expected. And with me in a new relationship that has totally changed the dynamics of our little family, the girls are just really... confused, clingy & more often than not they are downright defiant. I have tried to explain to them what is going on with me & their father. And I've tried to make them understand in simple terms my relationship with J. But, they are my babies & I have a hard time talking to them about such "adult" matters. I just want them to experience all the joy & love this situation has to offer. They have me. Like J said last night - I am their favorite person in the world. And do you know how that makes me feel? Hearts everywhere. They have their father. He is an amazing dad & he loves those girls with every ounce of his soul. I know that there are very few men who enjoy & embrace fatherhood as he has done. And they have J. To hold such importance in their lives while knowing them the shortest amount of time of anyone else they adore, he has shown those two girls more love than some people are shown in a lifetime. I'd say he's pretty amazing.

I pretty much take 100% responsibility for my children's actions. Their behavior not only affects me, but everyone in their lives. And in all honesty, J gets the majority of the blunt force trauma. They take out their confusion & frustration on him. And that creates the domino affect to him being upset & then me getting upset which upsets the girls. And it's the latter that inspired this jumbled mess of a blog that I'm writing.

The point of all of this is that I'm really just frustrated with myself for not having this figured out. Divorce, new relationships, step-parenting, all of it. In this world there are 2 people who depend on me for all the answers & I feel like I've done them a great disservice. EPIC FAIL, is more like it. And I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. Doing the best job I can is not satisfactory to me.

So, the end result is a change. Tonight I'm taking them for dinner & shoe shopping & I'm going to actually hold an adult conversation with them. And even though I don't have all the answers today, when all is said & done I know I can promise them that everyone will be okay. Peachy, even.