Pity Party of One.

Yep. I'm pitiful this morning. I'm feeling very sorry for myself, in deed. Sigh.

The girls & I had a rough morning. I'm not a morning person AT ALL. Before this school year we all woke up around 8am. I had them to school at 9:15 & I was in to the office work by 9:30. It was cake. This year I have to get up at 6:30 & they get up at 6:45 so that we can be out the door by 7:15 & to school by 7:45. Wugh.

Since last night was fundraiser night at Up Chuck E Cheese for the elementary they attend we got home a little late. They didn't get in to bed until well after 8pm. Closer to 9, actually.

This morning was a nightmare. They were tired, whiny, didn't want to wear the only weather appropriate outfit I could find, one pair of jeans was too tight & I had to find something else last minute, one child couldn't find her head band & pitched a kick fit right on her bedroom floor. Cry. It was pretty bad. So, instinctively I yelled, I spanked & I threw a big ol' fucking hissy fit right back at them.

Now, I feel a) stupid & b) sorry for myself.

Essentially I've been dealing with these two for 4 1/2 years by myself even though I was married for a great portion of that time span. My ex was always working. So, I either was home all day & all night with the girls or I was working all day & then home with them all night. (nights are so much more difficult than days... with the exception of mornings.)

All that I have ever wanted in life is an equal partner. And honestly, I'll never get that. Their dad is great, but he keeps them from 12-4 by himself 3-5x a week. I mean, really, that requires very little effort on his part. He gets to be the fun dad & just hang out with them for a few hours. He even gets a nap option if he chooses to take it! I get them up in the mornings, I get them to school which isn't close, I pick them up after work at his house which is not close, I feed them dinner, I bathe them (okay, well J has taken over that role & I'm so grateful!!) & I get them in bed while getting EVERYTHING ready for school the next day.

The point is that even though moms need breaks, they also deserve help from their spouse, ex-spouse, whatever. I'm tired of all the driving I do that my ex doesn't. I drive out of my way TWO TIMES A DAY to get my kids. And I do it in rush hour traffic both times. We will never get home before 6pm. And you know what? That fucking sucks. I'm tired of being the girls' punching bag every morning. I'm tired of starting out my days in a pissed off fucking mood. And I hate yelling at my tired children every morning to brush their teeth & put their jackets on because we're going to be late.

The kicker? I drive them to school every day & it's mid November. We haven't been late once! (Yes, I want a fucking cookie for that. I'm always late!)

Most everyone I know thinks my life is so damn peachy. Well, if you read what I wrote you'd know it isn't always.

/end whine

My ex is my ex for a reason & I am a better person because of everything I endure. Yadda yadda yadda. I am also very grateful for what I do have. And last night at Up Chuck's a mother in Annie's class came up to me & asked me what was up with EX HUSBAND'S hair. I casually mentioned that he & I were divorced & that his hair is no longer my concern. Snort.

Happy Election Day

I know I'm not the only person who feels a huge sense of pride when I walk out of the polls after voting. I love Election Day. I have since I was 18 years old & I voted in a state election for the first time. My first presidential election was the year 2000. (In 1996 I did not vote because I was away at school. Dumb, huh) I voted for Gore & living in Texas my vote didn't mean jack. And even though Gore won, Bush was elected & the rest is history.

In 2004 I voted for Kerry. It wasn't because I liked him so well, but he was the anti-Bush. No luck, there.

This year I voted & I took the twins. Four years ago when they were about 10 months old my ex & I took them to the polls. Naturally, they don't remember. This year I took them with me so they could experience voting. We sat at a table together one on each side of me. I had a paper ballot & I let them watch me fill it in while trying to explain to them what a country, President & voting all meant. We all got the "I VOTED" stickers & Annie cried to me about how she wants to vote. I told her she had 14 more years to go. Ha!

If the election goes my way I know someone who is going to get a new Coach purse! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! And I know someone who is going to be out a few hundred dollars purchasing that for me. Wink.

I could just crash right here on my laptop

What a whirlwind of a weekend.

Friday J & I took the twins trick or treating with his ex-wife, Lavagirl & the Boy. We had a nice time. It's weird how the ex & I can get along so well considering J has never even met my ex. But, the only thing awkward was the fact that I had on a pencil skirt & knee high boots. (I hadn't been home to change, yet)

Then J & I dropped the A's off at their aunt's house & had a date. YES, a fucking date. We went for Coronas, queso & then to see Saw V. Everything was awesome, except the movie. (Save your money...)

Saturday I woke up semi-early to head to the office for an hour. J brought me Starbucks. Heart, heart, heart. Then we were supposed to go to Leesburg to start packing when we got detoured with Panera, his sister, her husband & their adorable baby & the freaking outlet mall. I got a 200 dollar Guess winter coat for 67 bucks. What can I say? I'm a shop-a-holic! God, my coat is beautiful.

So after hours of shopping we decided to finally head to my condo. It took an hour to pack. Isn't that sad? Now, I have a closet of hanging clothes, a cabinet of dishes & the girls toys & dresser left, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE. AN HOUR? I obviously don't have enough cack. Har.

We came home & got ready for dinner. We went to Benihanas with the newlyweds. (Lola #2 & J's brother) Sister, husband & cute baby boy joined us. We drank 4 bottles of wine & ran up a 300 dollar tab. Saturday night was fun. I won't even mention the unmentionables. Tee hee hee.

This morning we were up by 8:30 when my movers called. They were early. FUCK! We hauled ass to Leesburg where we packed up stuff to take to our house & they took my furniture to storage. Isn't this blog boring? Well, it all worked out. I got my storage unit, J got a live in girlfriend & the girls' new room has ONE WALL PAINTED! J gave up after hand cramps & called the handyman to come finish it this week. Smart boy.

I have spent the entire day rearranging his kitchen to accommodate my belongings. I threw away 2 huge garbage bags full of... well, trash. I hung pictures, bathed Lavagirl, hung out with the boy & now I'm having wine & J is coming downstairs to probably inquire why I'm not up in the bed with him.

Okay, it wasn't J. It was the boy.

Oh, the A's are lice free. (I don't think they REALLY had anything, anyways) J spent an hour picking Lavagirl's hair tonight & the boy's lice is just about gone. I couldn't be happier about that. We're doing tea tree oil on Lavagirl tomorrow night!

Goodnight, Sassafrass. This girl is EXHAUSTED!

A series of fortunate events

1. I asked the ex to talk to the girls about him, me & J. Some issues were coming up & he needed to sit down with them. The end result was that they were in great moods when I picked them up & that continued through the night. I think they received what they needed to from him & I'm grateful.

2. I went to happy hour with some girlfriends. I haven't gone out with my friends in a long time. There is never enough time, energy or babysitters for me in this life. Well, J made it all happen & I am very grateful that it was almost as important to HIM that I go enjoy some time alone as it was to me.

3. The Phillies won the World Series. Now, I'm an Astros fan, but Brad Lidge did play for the 'Stros. What can I say? I'm loyal.

4. I fell in love last night all over again. Seriously, a girl could get used to this.

5. Tomorrow is Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year!

6. I won the lottery.

Just kidding on that last one. Just checking to see if you were payin' attention.

I saw the sign

J: i got a call that you will be happy about
Lola: you won the lottery?
J: nah, almost as good
Lola: I hate these games.
J: Aunt Helen called, her and Santa Claus went to the beach for the weekend and he told her that now that they were getting serious, with getting engaged and buying a house together, that he wouldn't go through with everything unless she stopped being friends with me. So I told her I understood and to take care and have a good life. And that if she really wanted her cat back she could come get him.

You think I flipped out, don't you? For the first time in this relationship I didn't lose my shit when it came to HER & I now know why. J & I have such parallel lives that it's scary. From ex spouses to ex lovers & everything in between - we are one.

I actually told him that I understood how difficult it was to finally close a chapter in your life after keeping the book slightly open for your own comfort & distraction. And do you want to know how I know this?

Yesterday, my ex-girlfriend asked me to leave Hippymom. Why? Probably because of my existence. I was devastated. But after spending the majority of my evening torn about this new situation at hand, I realized that I was wasting my time & energy on something that matters nothing. All it did was make me miserable which was how I spent most of the last year. Now, that chapter can finally close.

I thank Aunt Helen for closing J's. And I think my ex for closing mine. Neither one of us were strong enough to slam the book shut ourselves. But in this life, we are constantly learning & evolving. I feel like there is a greater lesson in all of this.

So you see, this is my sign. A very, very good one.

I am writing my history. Right now.

The EX Files - Part 1

I always say that there is a reason why a person is your ex. (Sometimes, there are a bazillion reasons.)

This EX files story is brought to you today by -

The ex-husband

I was calling him yesterday afternoon to let him know that he did not need to feed the girls dinner because I was taking them out to dinner after we went shoe shopping. I called his cell phone. No answer. I called his home phone. No answer. I waited half an hour & tried again. I called his cell phone, home phone & his work cell phone. NO ANSWER. I text him. No response.

At this point I am wondering what the fuck is going on. And I'm getting slightly annoyed.

Finally he calls me back. And I answer the phone -

"Well, it's a good thing I'm not dying..."

And his response?

"If you were dying why would you call me?"

Yes, that's one reason he is my EX.

Two words

My girls are my world. They are my life. They are the reason I wake up every.single.day. Being a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had! And even though they drive me to the point of drinking some days, I can't imagine going through life without them.

The separation of their father & me has been very hard on them. Harder than I ever expected. And with me in a new relationship that has totally changed the dynamics of our little family, the girls are just really... confused, clingy & more often than not they are downright defiant. I have tried to explain to them what is going on with me & their father. And I've tried to make them understand in simple terms my relationship with J. But, they are my babies & I have a hard time talking to them about such "adult" matters. I just want them to experience all the joy & love this situation has to offer. They have me. Like J said last night - I am their favorite person in the world. And do you know how that makes me feel? Hearts everywhere. They have their father. He is an amazing dad & he loves those girls with every ounce of his soul. I know that there are very few men who enjoy & embrace fatherhood as he has done. And they have J. To hold such importance in their lives while knowing them the shortest amount of time of anyone else they adore, he has shown those two girls more love than some people are shown in a lifetime. I'd say he's pretty amazing.

I pretty much take 100% responsibility for my children's actions. Their behavior not only affects me, but everyone in their lives. And in all honesty, J gets the majority of the blunt force trauma. They take out their confusion & frustration on him. And that creates the domino affect to him being upset & then me getting upset which upsets the girls. And it's the latter that inspired this jumbled mess of a blog that I'm writing.

The point of all of this is that I'm really just frustrated with myself for not having this figured out. Divorce, new relationships, step-parenting, all of it. In this world there are 2 people who depend on me for all the answers & I feel like I've done them a great disservice. EPIC FAIL, is more like it. And I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. Doing the best job I can is not satisfactory to me.

So, the end result is a change. Tonight I'm taking them for dinner & shoe shopping & I'm going to actually hold an adult conversation with them. And even though I don't have all the answers today, when all is said & done I know I can promise them that everyone will be okay. Peachy, even.