Sorry girls.

Your mom just can't stop.

Snicker.

Pity Party of One.

Yep. I'm pitiful this morning. I'm feeling very sorry for myself, in deed. Sigh.

The girls & I had a rough morning. I'm not a morning person AT ALL. Before this school year we all woke up around 8am. I had them to school at 9:15 & I was in to the office work by 9:30. It was cake. This year I have to get up at 6:30 & they get up at 6:45 so that we can be out the door by 7:15 & to school by 7:45. Wugh.

Since last night was fundraiser night at Up Chuck E Cheese for the elementary they attend we got home a little late. They didn't get in to bed until well after 8pm. Closer to 9, actually.

This morning was a nightmare. They were tired, whiny, didn't want to wear the only weather appropriate outfit I could find, one pair of jeans was too tight & I had to find something else last minute, one child couldn't find her head band & pitched a kick fit right on her bedroom floor. Cry. It was pretty bad. So, instinctively I yelled, I spanked & I threw a big ol' fucking hissy fit right back at them.

Now, I feel a) stupid & b) sorry for myself.

Essentially I've been dealing with these two for 4 1/2 years by myself even though I was married for a great portion of that time span. My ex was always working. So, I either was home all day & all night with the girls or I was working all day & then home with them all night. (nights are so much more difficult than days... with the exception of mornings.)

All that I have ever wanted in life is an equal partner. And honestly, I'll never get that. Their dad is great, but he keeps them from 12-4 by himself 3-5x a week. I mean, really, that requires very little effort on his part. He gets to be the fun dad & just hang out with them for a few hours. He even gets a nap option if he chooses to take it! I get them up in the mornings, I get them to school which isn't close, I pick them up after work at his house which is not close, I feed them dinner, I bathe them (okay, well J has taken over that role & I'm so grateful!!) & I get them in bed while getting EVERYTHING ready for school the next day.

The point is that even though moms need breaks, they also deserve help from their spouse, ex-spouse, whatever. I'm tired of all the driving I do that my ex doesn't. I drive out of my way TWO TIMES A DAY to get my kids. And I do it in rush hour traffic both times. We will never get home before 6pm. And you know what? That fucking sucks. I'm tired of being the girls' punching bag every morning. I'm tired of starting out my days in a pissed off fucking mood. And I hate yelling at my tired children every morning to brush their teeth & put their jackets on because we're going to be late.

The kicker? I drive them to school every day & it's mid November. We haven't been late once! (Yes, I want a fucking cookie for that. I'm always late!)

Most everyone I know thinks my life is so damn peachy. Well, if you read what I wrote you'd know it isn't always.

/end whine

My ex is my ex for a reason & I am a better person because of everything I endure. Yadda yadda yadda. I am also very grateful for what I do have. And last night at Up Chuck's a mother in Annie's class came up to me & asked me what was up with EX HUSBAND'S hair. I casually mentioned that he & I were divorced & that his hair is no longer my concern. Snort.

If you want something done right

you have to do it yourself.

Another one of life's lessons learned the hard way. I am annoyed.

So, I jumped the gun & moved to his house. Before my stuff can even fit in I have to de-clutter his house. That's going to take me a while. I'm only one girl. Little by little I clean out cabinets, drawers & entire rooms making space for his stuff & mine. It's probably one of the biggest projects I have ever tackled. And you know what? I don't really mind because EVERYONE will benefit from this.

I get that J appreciates it. But, I always feel like no matter what or how I go about it I'm the annoying, self-righteous, clean freak of a bitch that is taking over his house. I don't want to annoy him, but I have to have certain things, certain ways. We are running a household of SIX now & that's twice as big as what we were dealt. And, we are doing it & it's going great, but every once in a while I have to stop & think about what exactly is important to ME. Because I know what is important to him. I know what is important to all four children - each one with very different opinions on the subject.

What is important to Lola, you ask? I want a place to belong. I want all of my stuff in once place. I don't want some stuff in a condo, some in a storage unit & some in a foreign place I now call home. I want more than one drawer for my clothes. I want to be able to hang up pictures of my children on the wall. I want to come home & pick up the house before I relax. I want my children to have their own space, with their own things & be able to enjoy their own room. I don't want to wait 2, 3, 5 weeks for it, either. The transition to them is what matters most to me & so, I want to do all I can to ensure they feel welcome. And sometimes I need some help in that & I want someone who is ready, willing & able to do that.

There. That's my demand list. Call me stupid, call me crazy, call me ridiculous. Just don't forget that these are things important to ME & therefore they are important.

I had a dream. (nightmare is more like it!)

I'm sitting here disconnecting my utilities as I write this. Gas off. Power off. Cable was disconnected last week due to non payment. I've been meaning to pay it, but it's hard to pay a bill for a service in a place you do not reside. I mean, really. The walls in don't need cable television! Even if it's basic...

I had a dream last night. I literally passed out from sheer exhaustion & I really don't think I woke up until the morning. I did A LOT of work yesterday.

So, my dream.

Yeah.

In my dream J's ex girlfriend, Aunt Helen, came back to live with us. He told me he didn't love her & that he loved me & the girls. I guess she just needed a place to stay?? Well, I called him out & told him that I had heard him telling her that he loved her & wanted to spend his life with HER. And when he confirmed what I already knew I had to figure out alternate living arrangements & he agreed. They were going to live together & be a family. I remember having to go to the playground where the girls were swinging & tell them. And then I remember trying to pack up the kitchen & being really frustrated because I had recently co-mingled all of our stuff. And I remember just being stuck.

Sigh.

What does this say about me? That I'm scared? That I'm just really vulnerable right now? That I've made a huge, huge mistake by giving up my condo because let's face it - shit happens?**

I think it's okay to be scared, but I don't want my fear to take away from all the love & happiness that's right in front of my face.


** Edited some days later. J pointed out to me that it looks like I was saying moving in with him was a huge, huge mistake. And it wasn't. So, I added the missing question mark.

A series of fortunate events

1. I asked the ex to talk to the girls about him, me & J. Some issues were coming up & he needed to sit down with them. The end result was that they were in great moods when I picked them up & that continued through the night. I think they received what they needed to from him & I'm grateful.

2. I went to happy hour with some girlfriends. I haven't gone out with my friends in a long time. There is never enough time, energy or babysitters for me in this life. Well, J made it all happen & I am very grateful that it was almost as important to HIM that I go enjoy some time alone as it was to me.

3. The Phillies won the World Series. Now, I'm an Astros fan, but Brad Lidge did play for the 'Stros. What can I say? I'm loyal.

4. I fell in love last night all over again. Seriously, a girl could get used to this.

5. Tomorrow is Halloween, my favorite holiday of the year!

6. I won the lottery.

Just kidding on that last one. Just checking to see if you were payin' attention.

Two words

My girls are my world. They are my life. They are the reason I wake up every.single.day. Being a mother is the most rewarding job I've ever had! And even though they drive me to the point of drinking some days, I can't imagine going through life without them.

The separation of their father & me has been very hard on them. Harder than I ever expected. And with me in a new relationship that has totally changed the dynamics of our little family, the girls are just really... confused, clingy & more often than not they are downright defiant. I have tried to explain to them what is going on with me & their father. And I've tried to make them understand in simple terms my relationship with J. But, they are my babies & I have a hard time talking to them about such "adult" matters. I just want them to experience all the joy & love this situation has to offer. They have me. Like J said last night - I am their favorite person in the world. And do you know how that makes me feel? Hearts everywhere. They have their father. He is an amazing dad & he loves those girls with every ounce of his soul. I know that there are very few men who enjoy & embrace fatherhood as he has done. And they have J. To hold such importance in their lives while knowing them the shortest amount of time of anyone else they adore, he has shown those two girls more love than some people are shown in a lifetime. I'd say he's pretty amazing.

I pretty much take 100% responsibility for my children's actions. Their behavior not only affects me, but everyone in their lives. And in all honesty, J gets the majority of the blunt force trauma. They take out their confusion & frustration on him. And that creates the domino affect to him being upset & then me getting upset which upsets the girls. And it's the latter that inspired this jumbled mess of a blog that I'm writing.

The point of all of this is that I'm really just frustrated with myself for not having this figured out. Divorce, new relationships, step-parenting, all of it. In this world there are 2 people who depend on me for all the answers & I feel like I've done them a great disservice. EPIC FAIL, is more like it. And I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. Doing the best job I can is not satisfactory to me.

So, the end result is a change. Tonight I'm taking them for dinner & shoe shopping & I'm going to actually hold an adult conversation with them. And even though I don't have all the answers today, when all is said & done I know I can promise them that everyone will be okay. Peachy, even.