THIS DAY HAS GOTTEN WORSE

I have gained 4lbs.

Cry.

And I have a headache.

I'm so over it.

I don't know if I should go to the gym or go get a drink after work.

Lola straps on a set.

Saturday night J & I hired a babysitter. It was such a big deal to us because neither one of us had ever left our children with anyone other than friends or family. Well, there comes a time in every parent's life when your need to go out for a little romantic dinner sans children overcomes your fear of leaving your children home alone with an almost complete stranger.

Naturally, we did interview her & she came to meet the kids earlier in the week.

But still.

Reasonably, we have a 10 year old with a cell phone so if she ended up being a serial killer he may have had time to call us & we may have made it home fast enough to rescue them all.

I should write fiction.

So, J & I went to this Moroccan restaurant. They had a live belly dancer & she was hot. J actually got up & danced with her. I was kinda hoping he'd get her number.

Ha.

After dinner we decided to head up to the bar with some of J's siblings. J has like 10 siblings. It's a little insane. Anyways, J & I only really have about an hour before we need to go relieve the babysitter who had plans to go out after babysitting. At 15 bucks an hour she was sure making enough money for a premium beer night! J's sister brought her sister-in-law who is a 130lb great white shark, only cuter. She's the one I arm wrestled & lost to TWICE at the family function last month.

Did I mention that I think her teeth are sharper than Freddy Krueger's knife finger blades?

She bites, dude. And when I drink I seem to grow a big pair of brass balls. And tonight was no different. She was fucking around with me & called me chubby. I knew she was kidding & I do outweigh her by about 28lbs. I took this as an invitation to fuck around with her right back. So, we moved on to talking about the fact that I would love a live in nanny to help me with my four kids. And she casually said she may be moving here soon & would love the job.

My brass balls came out swingin'.

"Why would I let you be my nanny? You'd just teach my kids to be assholes!"

This is where my brass balls knocked right in to each other! I started bleeding. And you know how sharks feel about blood.

I think she got pissed at me for my remark, but it was hard to tell. She did walk away to the next table, but she was so cute & smiley. After a few minutes of pretending like she couldn't believe that I had just called her out, I pulled out my big guns. Snort. I started shamelessly flirting with her. And just when I was about to give up she came & stood next to me at the bar & waited with me to get another beer. She told me how she tried to hate me, but that I was just too damned charming! Now I thought for sure she wasn't going to body slam me in the parking lot later. Whew.

Just as I'm thinking that I'm scoring another decade on to my life J tells me, in fact, that Shark Girl & her friends were talking smack about me for what I had done. J was a little drinky, too. Drinky people make up shit...

Well, as J & I started turning in to pumpkins (read: drinky parents who had to go home to pay the babysitter) we got ready to leave. The last thing Shark Girl said to me was, "Get my number from J's sister & let's get together some time when I move up here."

I think she liked my balls.

I could just crash right here on my laptop

What a whirlwind of a weekend.

Friday J & I took the twins trick or treating with his ex-wife, Lavagirl & the Boy. We had a nice time. It's weird how the ex & I can get along so well considering J has never even met my ex. But, the only thing awkward was the fact that I had on a pencil skirt & knee high boots. (I hadn't been home to change, yet)

Then J & I dropped the A's off at their aunt's house & had a date. YES, a fucking date. We went for Coronas, queso & then to see Saw V. Everything was awesome, except the movie. (Save your money...)

Saturday I woke up semi-early to head to the office for an hour. J brought me Starbucks. Heart, heart, heart. Then we were supposed to go to Leesburg to start packing when we got detoured with Panera, his sister, her husband & their adorable baby & the freaking outlet mall. I got a 200 dollar Guess winter coat for 67 bucks. What can I say? I'm a shop-a-holic! God, my coat is beautiful.

So after hours of shopping we decided to finally head to my condo. It took an hour to pack. Isn't that sad? Now, I have a closet of hanging clothes, a cabinet of dishes & the girls toys & dresser left, but FOR FUCK'S SAKE. AN HOUR? I obviously don't have enough cack. Har.

We came home & got ready for dinner. We went to Benihanas with the newlyweds. (Lola #2 & J's brother) Sister, husband & cute baby boy joined us. We drank 4 bottles of wine & ran up a 300 dollar tab. Saturday night was fun. I won't even mention the unmentionables. Tee hee hee.

This morning we were up by 8:30 when my movers called. They were early. FUCK! We hauled ass to Leesburg where we packed up stuff to take to our house & they took my furniture to storage. Isn't this blog boring? Well, it all worked out. I got my storage unit, J got a live in girlfriend & the girls' new room has ONE WALL PAINTED! J gave up after hand cramps & called the handyman to come finish it this week. Smart boy.

I have spent the entire day rearranging his kitchen to accommodate my belongings. I threw away 2 huge garbage bags full of... well, trash. I hung pictures, bathed Lavagirl, hung out with the boy & now I'm having wine & J is coming downstairs to probably inquire why I'm not up in the bed with him.

Okay, it wasn't J. It was the boy.

Oh, the A's are lice free. (I don't think they REALLY had anything, anyways) J spent an hour picking Lavagirl's hair tonight & the boy's lice is just about gone. I couldn't be happier about that. We're doing tea tree oil on Lavagirl tomorrow night!

Goodnight, Sassafrass. This girl is EXHAUSTED!

Don't worry baby...

Saturday evening J & I attended a gala for Inova. (the healthcare system in Northern Virginia) I just want you to know that I spent the entire day stressed about attending. However, this was NOTHING like the wedding drama from a few months ago. J actually wanted me there with him. Snort.

Honestly, I'd never been to a gala before & I am pretty sure that I'd go back if invited. They have wine. Lots & lots of wine. An unlimited supply of it in fact. They also had a really nifty silent auction where I won ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. But hey, I did bid on the facial plastic surgery package. Fuck, who doesn't need a little microdermabrasion? I smiled & shook a lot of hands. I ate a positively delicious dinner next to an extremely important liver doctor. The ironic thing about that was the fact that my own mother had hepatitis & passed away shortly after a liver transplant. So, at least I was well educated his specialty. And I got to watch J receive tons of support & admiration from a lot of people. I was so proud of him.

The absolute best part of that night was hitting the dance floor with J while Brian Wilson sang old Beach Boys songs. If you've never actually been lucky enough to listen to him sing live then I really want you to consider tickets to his next concert.

And no, I'm not even kidding.

The real story

What probably should have been one of the happiest moment in my life was quickly discounted by a drinky Lola.

I suck. Sometimes.

J proposed. And you're probably thinking that he's crazy for wanting to marry me, right? Well tell him that. Not me.

Anyways, no one has actually ever asked me to marry them. (yes, I know I've been married.) Pardon me while I seem surprised, but J did it right. He actually had a ring & gave an extremely lengthy monologue complete with an emotional twist. If I had to write a proposal scene for someone else I would have just used his. It was priceless. Most romantic thing ever.

Naturally, I fucked it up. It's what I do, people.

As he was rambling on & on about just how much he loved me & how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me I remember very clearly the two drinky thoughts I was having at that exact moment. I remember thinking how he was just drunk proposing (think drunk dialing, only in person). I was certain he would have forgotten his marital agenda once sobriety kicked in the next day.

And then I clearly remember thinking about how I wanted to have sex.

The end result in this situation is good, though. Even though I didn't say yes that night, I did say yes the next day when HE MENTIONED IT. And I still got laid that night. Ha!

Just think. Now I can start blogging bridal details. Vomit, I know.