I am not a miserable bitch.

I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I will be happy, again.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.
I am not a miserable bitch.

If you type something out enough times you may start to believe it.

Little wonders

I am one of those who believes in fate. In signs. In returns from the Universe. These are the moments that help create what ultimately becomes our life. And with twists & turns of fate we sometimes follow a path that was absolutely blocked previously. And it amuses me how I am following that path now.

I realize you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

Dwight Yoakam sums it up for me best, "Baby, things change." Seriously, I have a song for everything. I do love that about me.

Anyways, I've been doing some self reflecting lately. Last year I was drowning at an astonishingly rapid rate & as a result I crawled back inside my shell. (Lovely Cancer reference, there) I'm coming out slowly, but surely. But this time I want to make sure the tide isn't right in front of me ready to suck me back out to sea.

I've come so far from living in that soul sucking nightmare that used to be my life. Have you ever had an emotional vampire? Try having a few of them. Wugh. I never saw any "happy ending" in sight. And that's probably because I was looking. And I know how cliché it sounds to say it, but I'll tell you anyways. When I stopped looking I found it.

And because eventually J will read this I just want him to know that I am so grateful for him. Hearts everywhere.

Click here for more information on those pesky emotional vampires.

I had a dream. (nightmare is more like it!)

I'm sitting here disconnecting my utilities as I write this. Gas off. Power off. Cable was disconnected last week due to non payment. I've been meaning to pay it, but it's hard to pay a bill for a service in a place you do not reside. I mean, really. The walls in don't need cable television! Even if it's basic...

I had a dream last night. I literally passed out from sheer exhaustion & I really don't think I woke up until the morning. I did A LOT of work yesterday.

So, my dream.

Yeah.

In my dream J's ex girlfriend, Aunt Helen, came back to live with us. He told me he didn't love her & that he loved me & the girls. I guess she just needed a place to stay?? Well, I called him out & told him that I had heard him telling her that he loved her & wanted to spend his life with HER. And when he confirmed what I already knew I had to figure out alternate living arrangements & he agreed. They were going to live together & be a family. I remember having to go to the playground where the girls were swinging & tell them. And then I remember trying to pack up the kitchen & being really frustrated because I had recently co-mingled all of our stuff. And I remember just being stuck.

Sigh.

What does this say about me? That I'm scared? That I'm just really vulnerable right now? That I've made a huge, huge mistake by giving up my condo because let's face it - shit happens?**

I think it's okay to be scared, but I don't want my fear to take away from all the love & happiness that's right in front of my face.


** Edited some days later. J pointed out to me that it looks like I was saying moving in with him was a huge, huge mistake. And it wasn't. So, I added the missing question mark.