Fall is here & I'm back to blogging again.

It's fall. And, things are changing & I don't just mean the leaves.

I just returned from Texas. Oh, the great state of Texas! It started as a birthday trip for J & it turned in to I get to go to Texas to help go through Nana's house & emotionally divide up her life between me, my sister, my cousin, my aunt & my uncle. Fun, eh?

The good news is that I am inheriting a beautiful oriental rug & Nana's Grandfather clock. The bad news is that I am not getting the mink. And, although I have never been one for animal fur, I could really pull off that look. However, another family member decided she needs the mink that doesn't fit over her boobs because South Texas gets so cold that I guess she needs it for warmth. Having big boobs does not keep you warm in those bitter cold Texas winters & so, I'll just buy my own set of big boobs, I guess.

I refuse to be petty, so instead of trying to reason with her, I'm just going to put it in my blog. Ha. Not petty. No way. Me, never?

I did enjoy hanging out with my cousins & going to the local watering hole for a fun, drunken night. I truly do have some of the best cousins EVAH! I also had some quality time with my sister & my nephew. I also made up with my brother-in-law after the rich & snobby nonsense that we both took a little too far after my wedding. Some people break bread when they forgive each other. We went to CHED & smoked a peace pipe.

Settling my Grandmother's estate is hard & has been a very emotional experience. I am truly blessed to have been left with more money than I will probably ever have in my lifetime, but I would gladly give that back & my right arm to have both of Grandparents alive & healthy.

Double sigh. It's going to be a rough winter. And, I don't mean because I am minus one mink coat.

Wishful Monday

Today is a day of wishes. Why? Because I said so. This is my blog & I'll do whatever I want.

1. I wish I had a million dollars.

2. I wish I knew what I was going to do with a bushel & a half of apples. Apple picking yesterday went quite well.

3. I wish I could get 70 followers on this blog. I've had 69 for 2 months now! C'mon. Someone hit the FOLLOW THIS BLOG button for me.

4. I wish I lived closer to my family. I miss them.

5. I wish hummus had no calories.

6. I wish my tailbone didn't hurt or feel like it was out of place. My butt is lumpy.

7. I wish my children did not throw tantrums like they did when they were 2. These tantrums are worse, actually. I'm sure I will be drinking a lot of wine tonight.


It's Monday, so we'll see how many wishes come true for me this week!

Have a wonderful week!

Get off of my property, Lola, or I'll call the cops on you.

Yep. The crazy ex-wife actually said that to me on Friday evening.

Le Sigh.

White trash, much?

Long story short, Friday night Ex called J because the Boy's skateboard got "stolen" off of her front door step. She was already angry & taking it out on the Boy. For some reason it was his fault. And, she was outwardly blaming his two friends who were there helping J & I look for the board around the neighborhood while she stood on the front porch, arms crossed, cussing the world...

She's yelling at the Boy, his two friends & then she starts yelling at J. She's causing a scene in front of her home. The Boy wants to go home with us. We want to take him. She accuses J of stealing her son & she threatens to call the police if we leave with him. She goes inside & slams the door, locking him out. He gets in our car & of course, we are afraid to leave with him for fear she will call the cops.

I tell the Boy that perhaps he should go tell his mom he wants to leave with us, so it doesn't appear that we are, well, you know, stealing him. What kind of behavior is this anyways?!?!?!? Who does this in front of their children?!?!?!?!?

She is upstairs yapping on the phone to someone lying about the events that have just taken place.. in her mind. She is telling someone that we are yelling at her & at this point, I've not even opened my mouth. I am staying in the car to avoid a scene.

Until...

She locks the Boy out & won't open the door. When she finally does she is screaming at J & the Boy. J starts yelling back. (how could you not?) It's a train wreck, so I jump out to attempt to keep some semblance of peace. Epic fail.

Before I can even open my mouth, she says.. (and I quote)

"Lola, get off my property before I call the cops on you!"

What the fuck? I simply tell her they are all acting ridiculous & she should think of HER SON who is crying, has been embarrassed in front of his friends & wants to leave her home for fear of what she'll do next. Of course, I don't say all of that because my jaw is still on the ground, literally.

I just say that sometimes she think about her kids first. And, she goes off on me, the Boy & J. J tells the Boy to go inside & that we'll come back to get him. Meanwhile, we go home & call the police ourselves to inquire the consequences, if any, of actually letting him come home. They were helpful & stated that unless he didn't want to go to our house, they wouldn't remove him. They would, however, come out to hear both sides & make an informed decision as to where he would best be cared for at that moment. Well, we know it would be with us, but we want to avoid putting him in that situation.

We call him 20 minutes later & his mom has let him out of the house, back over to the two friends that supposedly stole his skateboard & all is right for now. She even texted J saying that we won & she apologized to the two kids she wrongfully accused.

Do you know where the skateboard was? We found it, laying in front of the gutter. It had rolled off of her front porch & landed on the curb in front of the gutter.

Mark my words. We are going to court to get custody of these children. I will not allow her to scar them like this. I have too many visions of my own childhood filled with yelling, fighting, cops & more.

She sucks.

Bow chicka bow bow

Sunday morning, I grabbed my laptop charger out of my briefcase & opened my computer. The first thing I see is a huge nut sack courtesy pornhub. I laugh. Outloud.

The night before the Boy had called me asking where my charger was to my laptop & I couldn't remember what I had done with it, so I told him just to use the other laptop. Now, I see the urgency in the request. The laptop had apparently died mid video.

I went inside, laptop in hand, & directed my question at the two teenage boys on my couch.

"Which one of you was looking at porn last night?"

I fully knew it was the Boy. His friend was babysitting the night before & was not here. The Boy was embarrassed. And, I just laughed.

When I called J to report the news, he was shocked. Not that his son had been watching porn, but that I had called him out in front of his friend.

I'm not stupid. I know they've seen porn together on MY laptop. How do I know this? I check the history & although they delete from the tool bar, my cache is dirty with cock & balls. I look at porn on occasion, but I know to delete EVERYTHING. Snort. Plus, I prefer girl/girl so no cock & balls necessary.

What does a parent do in this situation? My sister said it best. You have to teach your child that sex leads to viruses & virtual sex leads to viruses. So, either way you will infect something with an STD.

I guess it's time to buy him a Playboy magazine or something. I'm all about promoting self "love".

It's random, I promise.

Is it sad that my biggest debate this morning is whether or not I want to take an Adderall because I only slept 2 hours last night. No wonder my friend who gave them to me also is prescribed Ambien.

Last night a Redskins coach bought Hottie #2 & I a drink. I was wearing a Cowboys t-shirt. So, did he think I was a MILF or did he just feel sorry for me? (Cowboys, 0-2)

I have to go to Walmart today. I was just introduced to http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/. Perhaps I'll dress up like Madonna circa the "Like a Virgin" era & see what happens.

It's 10:00am, do you know where my dog is?

Have a great Monday.

Go to bed, Lola.

It's a typical kid-free weekend in the hizzle & come Sunday, I am wiped out. Hang on Friday night with neighbors around a bonfire on my new patio. (J worked really hard on it this week & is very proud) Saturday we call for reinforcements & hit up the Irish Pub complete with Irish car bombs, DJ, ice luge, one Deleware friend celebrating her birthday, Hottie #2 & company & decided it was smart to just call the cab on the way there & the way home. Why bother with having to go get your car the next day? It was that kinda night. I should blog about it & I will. You know, you know, you've read it.

When I have more spare time. I still haven't told ya'll all the fabulous wedding details.

One thing at

a time. Blogs are like accidents. They just happen when you weren't expecting it. And, tonight it's all about this blog.

Today was a typical lazy, kid-free, hungover type day. Except, Hottie #2 had invited me to hang out to watch the football game & let our dogs play. (they are besties, too. It's cute) J doesn't want to go because he is tired & we've just left a one year old's birthday party. I took one for the team & just went. It's 8pm & bed sounds great. Well, now it's 2:30am & bed is great, but I have a blog to write.

It's about relationships, friendships & assholes.

Hottie #2 is what I typically call my "ultimate single girlfriend". Which, after tonight, I will revise. It isn't because she's unavailable, because she is still single. But, I realized tonight that perhaps not everyone takes glory in the fact they are single. Hottie #2 basically & for lack of better words got dumped last week by a guy she had been dating happily for 3 months. I know, what you're thinking... how bad could it be after only 3 months. She'll get over it.

And, she will. But, it basically was one of those, "It's not you, it's me" type situations. And, she really doesn't know how, why or what the fuck just happened there. Over the years I've met quite a few of the guys she has dated & when I met him, he just struck me as THE ONE. Not the one she'll necessarily marry, but the one who isn't going to dick her over. I've never really seen one girl get screwed over by as many guys as she has. Everyone she meets is too needy, too clingy, stupid (sorry Troy), thinks they are too cool, just wants to fuck... blah blah blah. You name it, I've seen it.

Now, if you are going to say if a girl with a Masters degree, no extra baggage (and by that I mean ex-husbands/kids), sweet, beautiful, amazing listener, fun & just the perfect candidate for a suitable, non psychotic mate can't hold a boyfriend that it just must be her, you are wrong. (her banging body doesn't hurt, either) At one point, I possibly thought maybe she was just too picky with guys, but after this latest douche, I realized something. That is not the case.

So, tonight was not really about football in case you were wondering. I wore my Cowboys tshirt & she wore her Redskins. She cheered for Peyton Manning & I for Eli. BUT, for the most part we sat, drank & played Photo Hunt in awe of the high score & how if we put enough money in the machine, sure we could beat that score!

We never did.

A guy bought us drinks, we ended up socializing to the nearly closing bar after 3 hours of Photo Hunt & after the "I'm only having one drink" night escaladed to the shots lovingly called a Blonde Headed Sluts, we were having a party. Just like we always do. Just as we had done the night before, in fact.

I followed her home to retrieve my dog & we started the girl talk. I mean, we ignored reality for hours so it was over due. The topic of the douche that dumped her came up & how she happened to see him at the mall this week with another girl. Then I start reading his blow off emails to her & it clicks. The guy is either fucking another girl or he's totally afraid of comittment. He pussied out. Hottie #2, like most women, is insecure & he knew that. So instead of just being honest about what went wrong, he pulled that old card about how she deserves better, blah blah, lie, blah, lie, asshole.

So if you are still following this equation, Hottie #2 thinks it was HER, because he never really explained why, how or what the fuck just happened here. Yes, of course, the girl he was with could have just been his friend, but. but. but.

Really?

She deserves a decent guy & a functional relationship. And, I really hope she gets it, sooner rather than later. I can't think of anyone who deserves that more.

If she can put up with me being a Cowboys fan, she can do anything!

Introducing the missus, Texas style!

J planned our first dance in super spy, top secret fashion. We bantered back & forth on songs, but ultimately he wanted it to be his decision. I was only somewhat nervous. And, while I had some frightening images of us break dancing to "Baby Got Back" or "Can't Touch This", I somehow knew he'd make the right selection. The only thing I asked him was did we have to two-step for our dance. I can two-step for days aross the great state of Texas, but J has only recently learned & although I love him for trying, he hasn't really mastered it, yet. (he tends to step on my toes A LOT!)

He came through & made the right choice. We ended up slow dancing to "Free" by Zac Brown Band. It's a song we both enjoy & although, I was pleased, I wasn't surprised. Little did I know he had something far less predictable up his sleeve. Halfway through the dance the song cut out & the DJ announced he was having technical difficulties. I announced that it was time to start break dancing. Snort.

The next thing I know, J is running to the DJ booth, grabbing our cowboy boots from under it & we are changing our shoes! "Whatever It Is" by Zac Brown Band starts playing & we sure as shit, two-stepped. It was like the night we got drunk & played that song over & over from the good old iPod docking station while dancing across our bedroom floor. The music in our bedroom was so loud that night that we woke our next door neighbor up at 3am! Oops.

My Texas family was in cahoots & everyone else was cheering him on as he twirled me around the dance floor. J honored my Southern roots & it was simply perfect. Right then I knew that I had married the right person & that I would endure all in which he has to offer me for the rest of my life. Snort. And, I will absolutely try to do this with a smile on my face & dinner on the table by 6pm sharp every night. Maybe I'll even bake him a pie or two. (Nana did that for Papa in the first years of their marriage & it worked for them!)

I love this man. He has tamed the wild beast that Lola once was...

So, without further ado, I present the first wedding pictures to grace my blog. And, of course, my song of the day.